Ladies
The slide of the fingers
and the wave of the waist
makes the men wanna talk
and the boys wanna chase
it shows the honey of the lips
and the syrup of the eyes
the roundness of the butt
and the thickness of the thighs
callin' you a name that wasn't given at yo birth
makin' you wanna switch once you step up out the church
tryna get the dance in yo ankles
and the twist in your knees
its the converse of the flowers
and the connection of the bees
the bumps of the beat; you know, make ya feet hurt
but you know you lookin' cute and ya tryna flirt
it's like the boys are the lions and
yo body is their prey
but it's yo mind that turns to mush at every mushy thing they say
it's the knowing or the ignorance that doesn't fill the gap
whether you like it or not it's always a booby trap
waiting on the forest floor to hang you by the leg
waiting just round the bend to be the first to knock you in yo head
waiting to be the first to tell the world that you are easy
tellin any dude that come after they the first to knock the red and you sleazy
then it's those girls the real guys do like
they always putting up a chase
keepin' their bodies secret
and slammin' doors in the guys' face
keepin on mental Chasity belts
and blades of protection in their eyes
when the guys tryna cox
when the guys tryna pry
it's these girls that say, 'roughly i try to keep a close on my thighs'
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Um....I don't really know what to say to that.
I'm going to come right out and say it, I didn't like it. I'm sorry, it's just not my type of poem.
It kind of sounded like a hormonal 16-year-old guy wrote it, no offence.
Please don't get offended by this! I'm not trying to be mean. If I was mean, do you actually think I'd please ask you not to get offended?
Keep on writing!
I think that the way you word it is a bit confusing and it threw me off but the basic gist is good. You were slow at first but towards the middle you sped it up. It was overall good and i think you should definitely be proud of it. I like how right from the bat you start saying ladies, immediately addressing your audience.
This line, 'but it's yo mind that turns to mush at every mushy thing they say' is good but maybe if you corrected the wording a bit and said your instead of yo and etc.
And this line, 'it's the knowing or the ignorance that doesn't fill the gap' is good. It's deep and made me remember old relationships.
I think you did a wonderful job.
This was good, I can't really give much criticism as it seems pretty free verse. The language was good- for the most part, sometimes in trying to make it flow true to real life it actually hindered things, probably due to the fact that as a reader I'm used to proper grammar, ect...but this was really quite good in that it disregarded all those laws.
The theme is why I'm commenting. It was great. Seeing as I'm a girl....I enjoyed it immensely XD. Your concepts weren't cliché and you had some great metaphors in there, especially the one about the foot being trapped, loved it!
This isn't a review written from my head so to speak, moreover it's written from my heart. I enjoyed it so thanks, and remember, keep writing what you know.
And read poetry.
LOADS of it.
*gold star.
Eimear xx
nice!
The informal language threw me off a bit at times, but it definitly matches the subject matter so its all fine with me. I'd love to hear the rhythm f it read aloud, because i think imgetting it slightly wrong.
Anyway i really liked this ^_^