Note-- this is my first try at writing fiction in over 5 years, so please comment! Your comments will determine as to whether or not there will be a part 2...
The stuff in bold is what I have changed based on comments
The sky was tempestuous, the night was stormy, my vision had finally cleared . Whatever it was, however you want to phrase it, the same thing happened. I decided to leave my life forever, taking nothing with me. Why, you may ask, does the sky’s haziness pertain to anything I may want to tell you? To confess to you? Well, it's gray, wild, with the wind and rain lashing viciously at my windows, I felt oppressed, depressed, and restless. The roiling deep purple of the sky reflected my innermost emotions as I stared into its depths, trying to understand myself. Sadly, as of yet, no one has invented Doppler radar for the soul.
I don’t know what type of scheme this was, what type of harebrained idea or genre of madness, but all of a sudden I had an overwhelming urge to run. Leave. Disappear. Most of the time, when someone says this people typically react something like this “Hm.. and St. Jojo’s Mental institution is now officially full”, or, “I always thought he was a paranoid nutter,” or even “Wow, attention-seeking much?”. The only thing about me, though, is that I’m a normal person. I conform to every stereotype and I fulfill every demand and request ever posed or inflicted on me. I will probably grow up to be the typical housewife, attending my Thursday book club meetings and driving my 2 children to soccer practice every afternoon. How sweet, they all say, she has the perfect life, she’ll grow up to do great things. What if they could see me now? Packing my duffel bag and preparing to leave all I knew and had ever known behind. Whatever would they think now?
The thing is, I didn’t want to escape from anything, I had nothing to hide from, I wasn’t eloping, and I didn’t have a destination. All I had was a strong sense of non-belonging. “Yeah right, you say, 4.0 GPA, headed to a top college, perfect extracurriculars and a student council member to top it off.” Well, what if I don’t want to be a student council member? What if I want to tell you to take my diploma and my extracurriculars and my GPA and to shove it? What then?
I’ll tell you what then, they act all shocked about my little “outburst” and act embarrassed. But I’m not embarrassed, why should I feel bad about how I feel? I shouldn’t. And that’s that. That’s why I have to leave. Now. Tonight. This very instant.
Oh god, that’s it. That’s why I’m leaving. The pressure is building, the expectations piling up! I’m like that frog that’s in water slowly brought to a boil, its imminent death not noticed until too late, all the responsibilities (privileges) and everything piling up and up and up, weighing me down until I can’t breathe!
Wait.
Why do I care what they think? Why should I care what they, the peers, the parents, the pushers, think? I shouldn’t, I don’t have to, and I won’t. So then, why am I leaving? Because of the pressure from them? Or…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I thought this was good. I mean, you had me reading on till the end so that was good
Anyway, I can't really find anything the matter with this. I mean, no grammer that I can spot and you write really well so there isn't really anything I can say.
Other than that I found this quite interesting and the ending made me want to read on. I'm not sure if there is a second story to go with this or not but I guess I'll go and find out!
Hm... thanks for the suggestion, but i think that that would make it sound like all three explanations were true, rather than pick your favorite.
Is that me being crazy, or somewhat possible?
Anyways, thanks so much for the comments
yay.. continue on! I really can't critique anything (probably because the weather outside is makeing me feel off) right now, but do continue.
Good, but maybe, if you think it sounds better, it might help the first sentence flow better if you add an and after the third cama. But ya, it works.
Is this better, thanks for your thoughts on the first sentence; it was a bit rocky.
Yay! I get to comment on it first "Yes!"
. "Wait, but maybe because I am in love?" that is what came to my mind as I read this. I really liked this, I hope to read more of this if I come across more. good job.
"The sky was overcast, the night was grey, my vision was hazy."
Um, The sky was overcast, the night was gray?
It does not sound right. consider "The sky was a gray and overcast ; my vision hazy."
Hopefully the punctuation works.
"why should I feel had about how I feel?"
I am guessing had is sad?
Other than that, I loved this, it was awesome. I loved the voice, it showed that the person was confused and crying
"2, 4, and 6 may be, but what ever will we do with 3?" -random little rhyming thing made by me.