My fungers fumbled at the metal contraption, looking for a weak spot inthe rust. Strands of ebony hair fluttered infront of my eyes, carried away in the bitter autumn wind. My nails were short and black, cracked from nibbling them in fustration, trying to find a way to lift the outer layer.
My uncle had always told me to be sure before doing anything with an active machine. His words danced in my head, making me feel scared, and paranoid. I dug my dirty hands into my light denim messenger bag, and pulled out screwdiver. The repeated beeping echoed through my skull. I glaned up at the time; 1 ohur and 23 minutes. One sigle hour to destroy it. Every second, my palms were getting damper, every second, i can hear my heart pumping faster. My uncle was no longer here to comfort me; he taught me nearly all he knew about mechanics, except for that one fatful day.
I heard my name appear from across the street, I didnt expect anyone to be out. The whole town knew about the bomb, and were inside, praying, and begging for an answer. i knew that no one would come, they couldn't, anyone crossing the borders of the city, the bomb goes of that very second.
Robin, the boy from across the street was standing there, his skin clammy, and his eyes red. He had been crying, everyone had been, except me. When anger or fear strikes my heart, i close up, like a fan and stop anyone from lightening me up. I had been subsided and stubborn, always trying to figure it out, and punishing myself if i did not.
He was generous, even though we were going to die, he went to see me. Through the school, people had been to see me about DT homework, but he was here for a different reason, I could tell.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well that is a pretty neat description right there, it certainly seems like you're using the description to bring across a clear message there with it coming off as a the description of a person that is in a bit of a bad spot there, and there is sort of a sense of desperation that's coming off this start here. Its a very intriguing opening paragraph.
Well, that just makes thing even more interesting. It is quite clear from the moment this person is dealing with the deactivation of some kind of dangerous timed explosive here, judging from the context here anyway. I'm loving this feeling of tension that you're creating here. As a reader, we're certainly getting the feeling that something very important that could go wrong quite easily is happening here.
Well, the explosive device theory is confirmed, I like how, you do take the time here to give a little bit of context about the situation too, it adds on nicely to the tension already created, and just tells you exactly what the stakes are at the moment, which overall makes this scene that much more effective here.
Okayy...as far as the ending is concerned, I have to confess this one is a tiny bit confusing, it almost feels like its not quite related to the rest of what's going on here, and it ends on a slightly deviated note. I think that part needs a bit of a look there, but otherwise, for the most part, this was a really good piece here. It seems like a story that I'd read at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
(Apparently it's not counting my posts here as a review. Even if i check the review box. So i'm going to test this one more time...)
Hey there! So far, it's very attention getting. But, with every story, there's some issues.
#1 (and the most important for me because I cringe whenever I see these) Spelling errors. You have a few here and there throughout the story and it kind of takes away from the whole peice.
#2 You use some words where better words could be used to make more sense. For example: "I heard my name appear from across the street" the word appear really does not work there. You should use 'called out' instead. Another one is "I close up, like a fan" a fan really dosnt close up. Unless you're talking about the Vietnamese fans that you can fold up into one metal rectangle. Try to find a better word for there.
I love this story though. Even though it's not very detailed I can see how interesting this plot line can be. Did you plan on this being a short story or lead into a novel? Because this has the potential to be a great suspenseful novel.
OOpppps.......... Let's try this
Hey there! So far, it's very attention getting. But, with every story, there's some issues.
#1 (and the most important for me because I cringe whenever I see these) Spelling errors. You have a few here and there throughout the story and it kind of takes away from the whole peice.
#2 You use some words where better words could be used to make more sense. For example: "I heard my name appear from across the street" the word appear really does not work there. You should use 'called out' instead. Another one is "I close up, like a fan" a fan really dosnt close up. Unless you're talking about the Vietnamese fans that you can fold up into one metal rectangle. Try to find a better word for there.
I love this story though. Even though it's not very detailed I can see how interesting this plot line can be. Did you plan on this being a short story or lead into a novel? Because this has the potential to be a great suspenseful novel.
yeah, the grammar is not very good, i am still getting used to the new keyboard on my laptop
Hey there Izzy!
Perhaps change the word to "called out" or "shouted".
Alright first off this story was pretty short and I found a few spelling errors like "single" "fateful" and "Hour". Do spell check your work before submitting, using whatever word processor you have. MS Word has a spell check option.
Now I get the storyline, even though it wasn't very detailed. I like the fact that his uncle had taught him this particular skill but now wasn't there to aid him, so he had to defuse the bomb by himself. Your description of his nervousness in the process of defusing the bomb was well written, and I liked it.
Now on to the part which I feel could be improved. Word choice.
"I heard my name appear from across the street"
I don't think appear is the correct word here. You can't hear your name appear.
"anyone crossing the borders of the city, the bomb goes of that very second."
Change it to "the moment anyone crossed the borders of the city, the bomb would be set off".
"i close up, like a fan"
I get the use of the analogy here, but a fan doesn't close up. A clam does.
I get that you're trying to use bigger and stronger words to make the story more dramatic. But if you use them in the wrong context they will only make the story flow unevenly and it's hard for the reader to understand too. Know when to use more adjectives and when to keep it simple. A story full of description doesn't make it better. I see the effort here at using adjectives and I think you're on your way there! Keep it up!
I enjoy the concept here about a time bomb going off and someone recalling his life and lessons while trying his best. The descriptions at certain parts were actually very nice to read!
Hope my review helped!
Hi, Izzy! Hope you're liking YWS so far
First and foremost, I'm going to be quite firm here and tell you to proofread before posting. Proofreading is the key to submitting any work from internet forum stories to CVs to job applications to you-name-it! Here, it would be especially important, because you had unfortunately many slips of the finger in a piece this short. So next time, remember to read your work through and maybe have someone else read it as well to prevent mistakes like "funger", "fatful", and "fustration". It will also make it easier for the reviewers, because most people want to focus on the story instead of spelling errors.
Story-wise, I thought this was a really cool start! So there's a bomb in the town that will go off if the MC doesn't stop it. I felt like I couldn't wait to read more! I can't wait to see what happens and why the bomb is there and why the MC knows so much about them. So really well done on writing a catchy start to get the reader hooked!
I also thought that your way of writing and building sentences and phrases was quite enjoyable to read. It felt versatile enough to be interesting.
Hope this helped, and keep writing!
Demeter
x
Hey there! So far, it's very attention getting. But, with every story, there's some issues.
#1 (and the most important for me because I cringe whenever I see these) Spelling errors. You have a few here and there throughout the story and it kind of takes away from the whole peice.
#2 You use some words where better words could be used to make more sense. For example: "I heard my name appear from across the street" the word appear really does not work there. You should use 'called out' instead. Another one is "I close up, like a fan" a fan really dosnt close up. Unless you're talking about the Vietnamese fans that you can fold up into one metal rectangle. Try to find a better word for there.
I love this story though. Even though it's not very detailed I can see how interesting this plot line can be. Did you plan on this being a short story or lead into a novel? Because this has the potential to be a great suspenseful novel.