This is the first paragraph to my story, more to come. Tips?
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Hopelessness is a word you would describe New York City in the year 2514. A large group called The Secret Society has taken every bit of hope away from NYC. The people living in New York are terrified. They worry about never seeing the word “Hope” again. Each year on March 15th, thousands of citizens between the ages of 13-18 are brought to an auditorium and attend “The secret meeting”. They remind the younger generation, year after year, about what they will grow up to be. They are forced to become a loyal member of The Secret Society. Forced. If they decide to become rebellious, their eyes are drained. Drained of hope. The Secret Society gives those who rebel a shot; this shot erases all trace of hope, all good memories. “You might as well be dead” some say. Isabella Santos has seen it all. She has seen her closest friend’s rebel, and the little hope they had drain from their eyes. Isabella is a 15 year old girl who feels like hope has been destroyed. She was born and raised in NYC. She doesn't want to become a member of The Secret society but rebelling wasn't an option. Isabella and her two best friends, Cara and Krystal, were all 15 years old, which meant they had to attend the secret meeting.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh well, this is pretty exciting here, first chapters are arguably the most important chapter that you can possibly write for a story cause it usually decides whether someone ends up reading it or not, so reviewing one of those is always fun. Well, let's see how you've done here and I will be a touch harsh cause of the aforementioned importance.
Okayy...first thing I'd say about this one is the size, this feels like its a tiny bit too big as far as first paragraphs go. I think something that's just a little bit smaller would get across the point a bit better and convey this terrible situation they're all stuck in a bit better than this one currently does. At the moment it feels like this one paragraph is trying to get across a bit too much information here.
Anyway, with that aside, the content of the paragraph itself is pretty exciting here, its seems like there's quite a bit of worldbuilding going into this thing here with the amount of detail that we see and well it appears to be one of those rather terrible alternate realities there where things just go completely wrong. The protagonist also appears to have some pretty strong emotions tied in with this future here...and that makes this even more powerful here to start off here. And the fact that it appears that the rest of this chapter appears to be heading towards one of those meetings is certainly a lovely way to get people to want to read on there. All in all, for the most part, this is a pretty solid first paragraph here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you so much everyone!
Sounds cool! I can't wait to hear the finished product. One thing is though, you could try and think of another name for the Secret Society, one that is more mysterious and not just any random name. Only, I hear the name Secret Society a lot for clubs and things such as that. Also, try making the story more descriptive, and more literary.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Firstly, I'd have to this Secret Society thing doesn't sound at all that nice. Draining your eyes of hope? So draining their mind of hope, then. Yeah, that's just completely barbaric. While I can appreciate the story line, and I love how you've started it in the actual meat of it, I don't like how you started it. Okay, that makes no sense, I know. I like how you are starting it with saying that they are fifteen and they have to go to a secret meeting. That's cool and all. But, this is just one big info dump, from beginning to end. Sure the information is necessary to the story, but is it necessary right now? Do you have to tell us what the main gist of the plot in the first paragraph? No, of course not. That's when you have to go and outline a first chapter, or prologue, or whatever and use EXAMPLES. Don't tell us how everything works in New York, but show us. And them going to the meeting would be a great example! But don't tell us what the meeting is about or at least the main idea of the meeting, until it actually happens. Build up the suspense to the plot. It will really help, honest.
Just remember that once you start feeding tons of info to the reader, it makes them less and less likely to read as they think that they have all the plot, and it would be therefore a waste of their time to go any further. Just feed little bits of the plot, a tiny bit at a time and you'll be doing awesome.
Try to avoid the use of the semi-colon whenever you can. It's not good for the flow and it looks much better to just have a comma.
Naah, show this to us. Don't just tell us. Show us that she feels that her hope has been destroyed, through example, thought process, and so forth. Make it into some great characterization.
Isn't instead of wasn't as you're speaking in present tense.
Wait! You said that between the ages of 13 and 18 previously! I'm confused now... Maybe clarify later on or something?
Alright, there's not much to nitpick in here as it's so short, so that's all for nitpicks. I would suggest however to avoid putting parts of the sentences that you want to bring out in quotation marks. Every now and then is okay, but you did it several times and it was a bit too often. Italics are another way of bringing out words and different phrases so it wouldn't be a bad idea to use those as well, if the need arises.
Alright, I think that's if from me! Sorry, this is so short, but this is a very short work, so I hope you'll forgive me!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Sounds intriguing!
Some tips/corrections that I found:
You were pretty good with your grammar, but I did notice in one sentence, you forgot to capitalize 'Society' in 'Secret Society'.
You are a little vague why New York City is hopeless, and why they have The Secret Society.
I think you could use a little more exciting way to say sentences like, "The Secret Society gives those who rebel a shot.." Why don't you put a little more detail in Isabella's experience?
In the last sentence, you switch from present to past tense.
"You might as well be dead" should have a comma after dead ^.^
Other than that, I think your good. You use imagination, which I like in a story :3 Keep working! ^.^
Sounds intriguing!
Some tips/corrections that I found:
You were pretty good with your grammar, but I did notice in one sentence, you forgot to capitalize 'Society' in 'Secret Society'.
You are a little vague why New York City is hopeless, and why they have The Secret Society.
I think you could use a little more exciting way to say sentences like, "The Secret Society gives those who rebel a shot.." Why don't you put a little more detail in Isabella's experience?
In the last sentence, you switch from present to past tense.
"You might as well be dead" should have a comma after dead ^.^
Other than that, I think your good. You use imagination, which I like in a story :3 Keep working! ^.^