Published April 26, 2011
Siren on your rocky crop,
With your silken feet resting on
vain sediment and subservient ocean weed;
Your voice beckons to them,
Calls them to you with it's dulcet,
Assuring rhythms.
Them on their once stable vessels,
Hulls stumbling over reef and rock,
Lay anchor and yearn from raging seas.
They see the treacherous stretches,
The white tipped breakers masking hidden perils,
Death lurking in icy depths.
Yet they run to the rudder,
They grasp it with smiles of ecstasy on their faces;
Drunken grins of manic desire.
They shout with joy as they sail to their destruction.
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Thanks for the comments
in answer to the first question it's loosely based on the story of oddyseus in the Iliad. And yeh I always get confused about capitals and things :p
I agree with perdido except you don't need to capitalise the first letter if you're using enjambment
You don't need to capitalise the word vain
.
Since you used a comma at the end of the word dulcet, you needed to capitalise 'assuring'. If you use punctuation, the firts letter of the next line MUST be capitalised. Sorry, I'm just fussy about grammar. Otherwise I quite liked this poem. I have a thing about mythology so to me it was great
this is a pretty strong piece, some suggestions I have involve:
a) you don't have to capitalize the first letter of each line. Punctuate it the same way you would prose.
b) you don't need a comma after every line break. Usually.
c) strong endings. The ending should at least be as strong as the beginning, probably stronger. This is something I have to work on as well.
best,
I liked this. It reminds me of a storry, but I can't remember the name. Is that story where you got your idea? That doesn't really matter, but that's just my guess. I liked the imaginary and the use of descriptive words. Keep writing [: