Published April 24, 2011
Like a butterflies wingbeat,
Forever consistent with defeat,
I stumble like the blind,
Hoping that I can be refined,
Maybe then there will be hope,
So that I can bear to cope,
As I stumble in wonder,
hearing the roaring thunder,
It crashes in the distance like my hopes and dreams,
It makes all my feelings burst at the seams,
Running I go, trying to escape,
Yet never able, always failing to, my life, reshape.
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
I really like this poem, though I agree with the others. The sentence structure is a bit strange. But I know how hard it is to write a rhyming poem. Maybe your later works will be better. I'll be reading again soon.
It's really good. Just a few points:
- It should be 'butterfly's' as you're using the possessive case not the plural form of the word.- Capital H.
- This sounds a little awkward. Could it be worded differently? Something like 'Yet, my life, never able to reshape.' Or perhaps a different structure?
'Yet never able to,
Always failing to,
My life, reshape.'
I'm not sure though, it's difficult. I know how hard it is sometimes to try to fit a nice structure around what you want to say.
Overall though, I really liked it. Especially the first two lines. It's a lovely simile and very aurally appealing. Good job!
Its good. probably changing the sentence structure a bit would be good.. otherwise, nicely done:)
it's good, just change them into complete sentences, that will work much better.
I can see nothing wrong with this other than the last line. You've used too many commas. here is what I think it should be:
Yet never able, always failing to my life reshape.
The general way you've worded it makes it awkward to figure out, but with a rhyming pattern that sometimes can't be helped. I struggle with it all the time when I write rhyming poems. I liked this poem a lot, I can definitely relate to the idea. Keep writing!
I can see nothing wrong with this other than the last line. You've used too many commas. here is what I think it should be:
Yet never able, always failing to my life reshape.
The general way you've worded it makes it awkward to figure out, but with a rhyming pattern that sometimes can't be helped. I struggle with it all the time when I write rhyming poems. I liked this poem a lot, I can definitely relate to the idea. Keep writing!