I lay on the rough stone floor gasping, trying to stop the flow of my blood. He stands over me, watching me, stroking my raven hair, looking into my green eyes. I'm still tired from running through the dark menacing city to the only safe place-or so I thought.
The man gives a dry cough, interupting my desperate thoughts. He speaks for the first time.
"You are pretty."
I stare up at him, repulsed.
"I'm not just saying that. Your beautiful red lips..."
I try to roll away, but I can't make myself move.
" I am going to add you to my collection. Come with me."
He picks me up and carries me off, blood still leaking from the gaping crimson wound over my heart. The beast carries me into a warehouse, showing me the horrors within.
Thousands of young, pretty women work at tables. I look closer, and then see that they are carving up bodies of other women. All of the women lying down on the tables have white hair. All of the women working have very pale blonde hair. They also have a tatoo around their neck, a strange swirling red pattern looking like a collar.
The monster chains me to a table and fingers my deep black hair, eying it thoughtfully.
"This will do perfectly."
He attaches a sucking machine to my head, positioning it so my hair is trapped inside it. The menacing device starts to hum to life, and I can only just make out the beast's words.
"The color of your hair determines how much spirit you have. I first suck all the spirit out of you, leaving you with white hair. I then leave a rune on your neck marking you. If you had blonde or red hair, you work as my assistants, carving up bodies and cooking them for my meals. Your hair returns to normal color as you work, and once a week I suck it out again. If you had brown hair, you work as my hunter, catching other women to be my slaves. And if you have black hair, well..."
The monster grinned.
"You become my dinner."
I screamed as he started toward me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
There is no way I can survive with a plot this compelling and a story so short. I want to know so much more! My curiosity is piqued, and my attention is yours for the taking.
Now that I've showered you with my love for this idea, I suppose I could give you constructive criticism, eh?
From the beginning, the tense of the piece marks it as unique; however, during your last three lines, you lose it. You slip into a different tense, and it is hugely noticeable.
As I said before, I want this piece to be longer. You have good story, good characters, good dialogue, so relish in them. Let yourself build a world of imagery and depth. You've got the goods, run with them! Even if you may feel like you're being a bit "fluffy" it gives your audience dimensions to take in. It may tie up the bundle of missing pieces to the picture you painted. For example, we never know where or how she is bleeding. The story opens with this compelling sentence about stopping the flow of her blood, but never actually fully gives us an image.
This may have been your intention, but the story had so many questions sometimes it felt fuzzy.
Otherwise, you are a plot god! The story was dark and creepy, and I loved it! I cannot wait to see what you come up with next.
P.S. If you ever feel like continuing this, I want to be the first to read it!
This is a very interesting piece. It's dark, it's horrific. I don't quite understand the full plot behind it, but I think it could be a really gripping piece if there were more background and details. I like how you said your hair color is related to how strong your spirit is. It's a new way to look at my hair.
I have a few questions that might help you add to it, if you wish.
1. How did she get injured in the first place?
2. Why did he seek her out, rather than send his "hunters" after her?
3. When did the chase start? How did the whole thing begin?
4. What does he even look like?
I really like this piece. Great job! Keep writing.
-Fire