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eDgY fReeStYle

by IvoryRose


The government,

People,

They are evil

It's not a phase mom


Random person

I'm not sure whether I hate or love you

Black voids are all I see

Even though I'm still in my teens

IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM!!


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21 Reviews


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 12:54 am
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Namjoon2003 wrote a review...



What a do, What it is. Its yo boi comin' at you with a review.

Thank you for sharing this really great poem. I thought that it was funny. That I thought was funny was the "It's not a phase mom" parts. It was as if these are things that someone would say to their mothers, and their moms would tell them that they were just going through a phase or whatever.

I especially thought that the last lines were funny. The very last part:
"IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM!!"
Was written as if the teen was getting annoyed with her mom saying that, so it was kinda like her trying to tell her:
"Listen mom. This is who I am. This is what I really think. So imma need you to calm down with that 'It's a phase' stuff."
That is what I thought about it.

Anyway, I really liked this. It was really funny. I hope to read more funny poetry like this from you in the future. Keep up the good work!!

~Namjoon~




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Wed Apr 11, 2018 11:06 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thankx for sharing this poem about the government which calls people evil and then tells its mother that it isn't a passing phase and about random person who also makes a statement about uncertainty in loving someone and also assures the mom that it isn't a phase.
In short assuring that the statements are genuine and will be long-lasting.

The last line comes across as a shout or an attempt at strong emphasis since it is written in capital letters and is bolded. That gave me the impression that the "mom"involved seems to be in the habit of dismissing everything that the speaker says as merely some phase in his adolescent development.

But if that is so, then who is the government's mom in this scenario? Or is the speaker using the government as a heading merely to express how he feels. I think that would be the most reasonable thing to assume.

The poem, as I see it, touches on a very strong tendency for humans to be reluctant in tagging humanity or any group displaying evil behavior as merely evil. Instead, sociological excuses are are always proposed as the reasons for the antisocial behavior such as economic deprivation, and defective parental upbringing.

The question really is, when are we ever justified in tagging a group of sentient reasoning creatures as evil? Were the aliens in Independence Day evil? Or were they victims of their societal structure which impelled them. If driven by instinctive, can the term evil be applied. Are and evil when they enslave other ants?

The poem raises all these issues and they are issues which do merit deep philosophical discussion.

suggestion

The Random Person part seems like a heading for the statements that follow it. This gives the impression that the Government part might also be a heading followed by what the government thinks. If indeed this isn't so, then a way should be found to remove that vagueness. Perhaps placing what each one says in quotation marks will clarify that they are indeed statements made by each, one by the government and one by the Random Person.




IvoryRose says...


Thanks this review was better than the poem.



Radrook says...


Sometimes poems are deeper than one realizes. Robert Frost's poem Stopping by the Woods was perceived as saying much more than what it appeared to be saying on the surface as well. Many poems that appear simple that way so contain profound concepts.



IvoryRose says...


Yeah except this was a giant sarcastic joke...



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Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:27 pm



I swear, it ain't no phase maahm! I wanna have green hair!
Gimme back my Xbox!

Haha, nice for a laugh. Thanks!




IvoryRose says...


Thank you I have summarized pretentious middle schoolers who think they know everything.





Good on 'ya! I used to be exactly like that.



IvoryRose says...


My friends say I%u2019m not like those kids but when I reread past poem I%u2019ve written I question that. I probably am...





We're all edgelords at that phase. All of us.



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Wed Apr 11, 2018 3:30 pm
IvoryRose says...



Please don't leave serious reviews it's a joke about how people think they're cool or edgy because *gasp* freestyle. It's a satire.




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Wed Apr 11, 2018 2:06 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not intended to offend you or hurt you that is not the intention, it is not meant to make your poem seem bad or demean it or you that said . . .
1. What I liked

I liked it, period. I most particulerly like the black voids line.

2. Flow and style
Just one thing

The government,

People,

They are evil
I think that would sound better if you either moved people up with the goverment or add the to people.

Finally It seems odd you talk about the goverment then talk about random person etc and also how you keep saying it is not a phase mom. Neither fit with the rest of it.

3. Overall and encouragment
Amazing work, over all I loved it and greatly admired it. Just keep on writing!




IvoryRose says...


Thanks lol it was a joke about how people try to act "edgy" in freestyle so I put topics that are usually written about. It's not a phase mom is that edgy child.




Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan