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16+ Violence

Five Families

by Ivan8050


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

When Tony was up he saw Rachelle with Her Red Shiny Dress Dead on the Floor with a lot of blood surrounding her body.And People were telling him that they took His kid.Tony was Crying And He was Filled with Rage.

Tony Called His People telling them that he Was Going to The Safe house For a Reunion.They Went to A House Hidden Up in the Hills as Soon as he got there He told everyone what happened And He Ordered Everyone to not sleep Until he Finds Out where The Saints, their rival Gang, was hidden with his Son. After 2 hours one Of his Body Gaurd found a Note that says that they Wanted 2 million dollars if not Adam Would Die.After He Gathered up all his people, Getting Loaded with a lot of Artilary They Gathered M1918's Which were assult rifles and Alot of Pistols like a Browning Model 1992.So they Drove to An Alley That was Very Dark, there was steam coming out of the Sewers and Pipes.Then they saw where they were at so they Opened Fire And Shot at the People with guns outside of the house the A lot of people came out and started and Gang War.A lot of People were dying.There was blood all ove the Alley and They Started Entering the House but Tony entered First And Went Upstairs and he wanted to go alone so that he can handle the Leader.So he was going upstairs and Realized that they were in the roof and he went and saw the Leader So he ran to him and Tackled him to the floor then they started to fist fight.When Tony was up he saw Rachelle with Her Red Shiny Dress Dead on the Floor with a lot of blood surrounding her body.And People were telling him that they took His kid.Tony was Crying And He was Filled with Rage.

Tony Called His People telling them that he Was Going to The Safe house For a Reunion.They Went to A House Hidden Up in the Hills as Soon as he got there He told everyone what happened And He Ordered Everyone to not sleep Until he Finds Out where The Saints, their rival Gang, was hidden with his Son.After 2 hours one Of his Body Gaurd found a Note that says that they Wanted 2million dollars if not Adam Would Die.After He Gathered up all his people, Getting Loaded with a lot of Artilary They Gathered M1918's Which were assult rifles and Alot of Pistols like a Browning Model 1992.So they Drove to An Alley That was Very Dark, there was steam coming out of the Sewers and Pipes.Then they saw where they were at so they Opened Fire And Shot at the People with guns outside of the house the A lot of people came out and started and Gang War.A lot of People were dying.There was blood all ove the Alley and They Started Entering the House but Tony entered First And Went Upstairs and he wanted to go alone so that he can handle the Leader.


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79 Reviews


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Reviews: 79

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Wed Dec 30, 2015 4:12 pm
Sevro wrote a review...



Hello Ivan8050, happy review day!

Ok, so whoa, first of all. The astonishing amount of capitals, and the astonishing lack of punctuation, well, it astonishes me. I think you might have a good storyline, but the formatting, both character and paragraph, is so confusing that I wanted to stop reading as soon as I started. However, I am a huge sucker for this kind of story. Alright, let's get started.

So, the first few words are, "When Tony was up...". Up where? Was he giving a speech? Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night? And right after that, you talk, very briefly, about someone named Rachel. Is she his wife? His daughter? His coworker? This reminds me of something one of my teachers used to say: while writing essays, or stories in this case, you're either a fact lister or a storyteller. The fact listers write down the plot, and might as well have a bulleted list of things that happen, because there is such a lack of examples and details, or in this case, dialog and descriptions, that you no longer have a story. The storytellers have so much dialog and feelings and details, that they forget to put in any facts, or any solid plot line. You are definitely a fact lister. There is no dialog, and no feelings are told except that Tony is "filled with Rage". I mean, his significant other was just murdered, and his beloved son was taken, and possible hurt. I would like to think he would have more feelings and emotions than just rage.

In the second paragraph, you say that, "Tony called his people...". What people? His other children? His boss? You don't tell the reader anything regarding what is going on, and how someone like Tony has a safe house. Does he work for the CIA? Is he a terrorist? I am just so confused and I can't take any of this seriously because it sounds like the plot line for a very crummy, cheesy TV show, where the good guys always win. I hate to sound rude, but I need you to understand where I'm coming from.

Then, you start talking about guns. You wrote in such a way that suggested you had significant, substantial knowledge about weapons, and guns. It seemed like, rather than using this to help the story, you merely threw it in there to show off your knowledge. Don't get me wrong, if I knew anything about guns, I would show off that knowledge as well, but you should think about being more subtle. Instead of saying "he pulled out his M1918, which is..." you could say, "he pulled out his M1918. He loved the high caliber, and thought that it would definitely get the job done. He would need the automatic setting for sure, to take out all of the henchmen outside." Make it about the character, not about whether the reader understands exactly what type of gun it is.

"Alot" is two words, like "A lot".

I'm sure you know by now what I'm going to say next. Why would you copy the story over again? I mean, you didn't even finish the first copy. You left it with "they started to fist fight." I am all for cliff hangers, but it's not really a cliff hanger if you write half the story again right after you finish. I am still baffled as to why you did that. I am trying to believe that you don't have much experience with computers. I sincerely hope that you didn't just do that in order for your story to have enough characters to post as a "short story".

Lastly, the title confuses the heck out of me. "Five Families"? To my know,edge, you don't reference any five families in the story. This makes me think that you might have referenced them if the story had been finished, but now, it makes no sense. I would rethink the title for this work if up I were you, to give the reader a better preview of to what the story will be about.

Overall, Ivan8050, your story has great potential. I would suggest heavily proofreading, and taking out that second copy of the story, and replacing it with a true ending that will blow readers away, in a good way. Your story needs lots of things, like emotions, descriptions and imagery, but you can put those things in there easy-peasy. That wll make your story much better, and far more readable.

I hope you didn't take offense to anything I have said, for I was only trying to help you. Let me know if this review helped you! Good day!

~Caterpickle




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Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:12 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Happy Review Day! I'm here for a short review!

OK, YOu Are USinG Way Too Many capitals. IT'S Like You'Re UsinG it for every Word that has more than FOUR Letters. See how distracting and hart to read it is? You only really need the capitals when you begin a new sentence or are using a name of a character or place (like Leslie and Walmart.) I agree with Dark below me in that it's kind of distracting.

Also, you're showing and not telling. This feels a bit more like a plot overview because you're just listing events that are happening one after the other, thus, you are going too fast.
To fix the showing and not telling, describe what your character is saying. Instead of writing: she was mad, write something like: Her eyes bulged and her jaw clenched angrily. See? That's way more effective.
This leeks into description a little, too. Slow down and look at your surroundings. (I'm going to assume you're in a room) You're not in just a room. That sounds a little boring, doesn't it? What's in your room? Are there many scratches on the walls? What's the floor like? Do you smell anything? What's the lighting like? Is it dark or sinister or is it bright and happy? Naturally, some things will reflect the mood (like lighting). Look at movies for example. Is the main character having a good day when it's dark and foreboding? No, they're most likely running from something or waiting for something bad to happy. The world doesn't end on bright and sunny days, you know.

The general idea is ok, but there is quite a bit of work to be done.
Farewell.






By the way, listen to Caterpickle; they've got some really great advice.



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Wed Dec 30, 2015 1:19 am
dark wrote a review...



Rather nice and short story you've got here. Nice, but I see a lots of room for improvement:

First, capitalization. Whoa, that's a lot of capitals! In the midst of all your details, I could't help but be distracted by all of the Misplaced Capital Letters! It's really nothing major, to be quite honest, but it's not something that should be repeated in future works.

Next, spacing. A few slip ups here and there happen to everyone, but it happened a bit too much here.

In the end your, little story wasn't bad, but it's the little things that can make all the difference. In the future, practice a little proofreading, and your writing will be better than ever!

~The dark one.





All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
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