Exposed Secrets: Prologue II

Part II

“Annabelle Harks. Death of Spawn. Spawn’s birth; Secret is said to be an hallucination of said victim’s belief of killing her fiance - whom had died from running off road, and into a thick swamp of tar pits.” His monotone voice rang in her ears, in a very boring fashion at that. A small thought crossed into her head; how the hell did the organization get this private information? Pondering, til she shook her head very slightly. These things weren’t to be questioned.

“She would probably be still alive if you had actually watched her properly!” Skylar groaned in frustration, ignoring the urge to comment on the ridiculous reasoning. Her head tilted and rested on her arm

“Because of that.. Another person died.” She hated when this happened. Apparently, the Spawn had gotten to Annabelle from Skylar and Drew whom were caught off guard. The Spawn had indeed swallowed Annabelle, but before it finished evolving into a Scion, Drew took it out. Skylar felt utterly useless. The woman’s screams echoed in her mind, just like every other people whom she failed to save, which were of many.

“She’ll probably be alive if you had not let the Spawn slip from your grasp.” He retorted back. Skylar sighed in hesitation, “I-I know..”

They were supposedly humankind’s savior from isanity, but they couldn’t even save one woman.

Drew noticed her discomfort, and worried. His apprentice’s mysterious bi-polar nature was something to ponder on; because of it, he never understood exactly what she would be thinking. He heavily sighed. “Things happen. Chill. It’s alright.” His brown hazel grazed into hers, pouring compassion and reassurance - or at least tried to. She kept avoiding his gaze.

“Dear lord, Drew..” She cried out, her head in her hands. “I know I’m your dearest Lord.” He smirked, trying to enlighten the moody atmosphere. However, she sent him a dirty glare, tp where he looked away for a second, and she then went back to her troubles as he looked back. It was funny when she actually showed her true feelings - unlike her emotionless mask most of the time. Maybe it was just him that she was comfortable around. The feeling of that accomplishment felt good. But now wasn’t a very good time to be celebrating.

“Like I said, it isn’t of your concern anymore. She died. That’s the end.” The blond light shrugged. Immediately, he regretted that, for he had a certain red headed; fuming scarlet at his face. And the good kind of scarlet either, he swore he saw steam coming out her pale ears.

“Is your bandanna tied on too tight? This is a problem! This takes away points from my examination..!” Yelling, her arms failing in the air, well, one and a half arms, and then slammed her hand on the table. She trailed off, mumbling about her burdening troubles, to calm down.

And here he thought she was worried about the client dying. Looking at her back growing slimmer and slimmer as she walked farther; she probably was though. Suddenly, she stopped, slumped a little, and then kept walking with her head low. The older Guardian chuckled under his breath, the paperwork was still in his hands. He waited. She walked back after stopping in place for a couple seconds, and then came rushing back at a lightning fast pace, and sat down back in her seat; her abandoned work was being revived. It seems like she remembered.

As his female apprentice continued rambling curses under her breath, all the while taking her frustration out on the spare parchment paper with the heavily inked feather pen - making stab marks, and doodles with her only hand. Her eyes however were somewhere else, on the paperwork. Amusing apprentice was what she is. She had the glare of a demon while she did so, in a joyful matter - in Drew’s eyes - anyway.

Skylar looked up from it after a small 5 minute period of stabbing, and caught his stare. “What?” She coldly retorted, her face darken in pink just barely. She must’ve that he was watching her. Then again, he’d be embarrassed too, more or less. From his little moment of amusement, looking up to see that his junior was still looking at him, and he shook his head. She sharply turned her head childishly, and continued what she was doing. There showed her social problem, resurfacing from her true colors.

Her senior just shook his head, laughed, and then left to who-knows-where. Maybe to sleep some more. Skylar cracked a small smile and giggled a bit, remembering how they met. It was crisp clear in her mind, like it was just yesterday.

~

“You have been chosen as a candidate for Guardian duty, Miss Calypso.”

Silence. Her pen dropped from her hand, as she tried to keep her mouth from dropping open

in a very un-lady like manner.

Did the fat man just say what she thought he said?

“P-pardon, sir?” The shock made her stutter. The statement that she couldn’t believe that was just stated, echoed in her head.

He repeated himself, “You, Miss Skylar Di Calypso, have been nominated as a candidate to become a Guardian.” In a manner of unpleasantness, he went on his way, and handed her the nominee letter of a palely yellow color and golden writing. The emblem of the Council itself was on there. This was it. All her hard work and efforts were paying off.

Her hands shook violently in joy. She did it. It was a one in a slim chance, like picking the specific day of February 14th on a Friday within the leap year from a card out of a hat. But she did it. Her brightly colored that shined dully, bloody red hair seemed to curl a little - which it normally didn’t. A good sign - and it shown.

The Caucasian chubby man in the black suit and gray white mustache took his leave, and his rosy chubby cheeks didn’t seem to smile along with her. And once he left, there was a slow clunk sound from the door closing and a small scoff, giving the small young student to bathe in her over-enjoyment, alone. Once he did leave however, after waiting for complete silence she tore the envelope open - like a birthday kid at their party. And anxiously read its contents. Once, twice, and three times more. Her smile getting smaller and smaller each time, and her shiny eyes dulled.

To Miss Skylar Di Calypso,

It has come to our attention as the Council of your fair and impressively advanced progress. You are being nominated for Guardian duty. It must be an honor for a student such as yourself to have been chosen. Congratulations. But it’s not that simple and it doesn’t end here so easily.

You are to summoned to the Council’s main office, tomorrow morning 11:34:00 a.m sharp. Do not be late, for there shall be consequences. Prepare yourself with weapon and all.

The Council

Prepare herself? For what, battle? And it was just nomination.. How utterly disappointing. Anyone could reach Guardian duty..

She slapped herself. “Get it together Sky, you’ve been nominated. It’s not that bad. Guardian duty is a good opportunity to find it..”

The thought left her mind, and she went to polish her metal claw that served only to destroy, and to use with her prosthetic lower right arm. Looking at the markings of the claw - which were of the school’s emblem, she shuddered from the delicate memories of how she even got it in the first place. Standing quietly before her bed, adding a belt of custom metal daggers attached to her thigh under her night dress in caution. She made sure they were in their cases so she wouldn’t cut herself, and plopped onto the bed. Before she even slept, she reread the letter, sighed contently, and closed her eyes.

Of course, she didn’t read the fine print at the bottom - it was barely visible.

Your test starts now.

-

Chapter One was originally part of this, but I decided to hurry up and post part two already since the decision was final. Here you go. Not much. Chapter One is probably going to be at least twice as long. Should be posted by today. I've been on my lazy ass long enough.

Review please?

~ItsRainbowInked

Comments & reviews · 2
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Ranger Hawk
Review

Hey thar, I'm here for a review!

Okay, so I think you've got a really good concept -- monster/demon hunters are a favorite of mine, and I love reading new stories based on this premise.

However, I found myself getting confused -- a lot. And when your reader's more focused on trying to unravel just what's going on or who's talking and such, then they lose the flow of the story. You don't want that, because then the story just becomes disjointed and often a reader will grow discouraged with the lack of cohesion and they'll move on to something else. So, let's see what can be done to clean this up, shall we?

For starters, I would explain exactly who is talking and whom he's referring to. I thought at first that Annabelle Harks was the name of the main character; I didn't know who Skylar was at first, and didn't realize she was the focus of this story. Maybe relate how Skylar's feeling at first, and then introduce the man who's speaking and his dialogue. For example, it could look something like this:

Skylar's attention snapped back to the withered man before her. She tried to control the building frustration as he droned on in a monotone voice.
"Annabelle Harks..."

See how that propels us instantly into Skylar's point of view? Now we know who we're starting with and who to keep our eye on throughout the piece.

“Dear lord, Drew..” She cried out, her head in her hands. “I know I’m your dearest Lord.” He smirked, trying to enlighten the moody atmosphere.

I thought at first that she was saying "I know I'm your dearest Lord," but now I'm thinking it's Drew? Whenever a new character speaks, make a new paragraph for them. It's much easier for the reader. I spent several moments rereading this, trying to decipher just what she meant.

The blond light shrugged. Immediately, he regretted that, for he had a certain red headed; fuming scarlet at his face. And the good kind of scarlet either, he swore he saw steam coming out her pale ears.

This is one of the parts that I found completely confusing. I have no idea what you mean by the first sentence; they're people, right? Not some kind of light-like entity? Did you mean "light blond"? In which case, you'd need to specify what light blond. In the second sentence, he had a "red headed fuming scarlet" in his face; this has a very repetitive sound, with all the visions of redness and anger, and you can cut down on the adjectives. In your last sentence, I'm guessing you meant it's not the good kind of scarlet.

My last issue for now -- the second half of your story. Is that a continuation, a part a little later from the half before it? Is this something that's happened a year from now? Some sense of the time frame between the two halves would be nice, to get our grounding.

Okay, so that's it for the storyline; what I'd like to suggest is reading over your work and trying to imagine that you've never read this story before, you don't know anything about the characters or setting, and you're just delving in now. This can be difficult to do, but it can really help point out any discrepancies in the story, and also help you realize just what you need to clarify and change up.

Also, proofread your work; read the story aloud, if need be, to hear the spots where a passage just doesn't sound right, or a different word needs to be used. Catching those little errors will make the story a lot easier and more enjoyable for your readers and reviewers.

Please let me know if you have any questions or whatnot! Cheers. :]



Every first draft is perfect, because all a first draft has to do is exist.
— Jane Smiley