Published August 25, 2010
My stars are fading
Away from the sky
These times turn dark
And I don't know why
How is this possible
What have I done
Where is the light
Why is it gone
I want to turn back
Back to the light
But there is no possible way
Even the days are like night
And while it gets darker
No one seems to notice
No one seems to care
That I'm still here
Alone, by myself
Fading away in the happiness of others
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Canary word: Present
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140,869 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Yep, this is a cool little poem.
I liked your cadence at the beginning a lot more than what you have at the end, although I think the measure is pretty typical of a poem of this type.
Because you established what was almost a rhyming scheme, initially, we lost ourselves (as readers) completely when you switched around and stopped rhyming. We lose the lines in between, while we are readjusting how we are reading it. I think you should stick with one or the other.
Additionally, I would love to see you expand everything a little bit. You are grazing the surface with your subject matter, and there isn't really enough solid introspection the pull the reader in. Make sure you go a little deeper into your metaphors, and remember that your goal is to change the way the reader is thinking.
Nice work!
Definitley a good first piece. You probaly have had enough banter with the appreviatons but their right!! The same people advised me to and it helped. Alot. Please come out with more poems! I think you could inspire lots of other newbie's!
Next time I'll use punctuation
Hi- okay. So I'm going to start by saying, I'm not a huge advocate of punctuation. However.. in this piece.. you need it. Don't ask me why. But when I got to the end of it, I was a big confused, but by my lack of mental oxygen. I needed to take a breath.
In poems dealing with confusion or panic, or something of the like, you expect parts of the rhythm to be hurried and rushed.. so we hurry and rush, rather than regulate ourselves in the midst of no punctuation. But your whole poem was like that, because it had no punctuation. And without our pacing ourselves.. disaster. So while this was a good piece.. punctuation.
Nice piece though.
-Coral-
Same as the poet above me said, where are the commas and the periods.
Do you see what I did up there? These are easy corrections, message me if you have anymore questions about this. Keep writing!
No punctuation! , and . show when to stop and take a breath, and are needed. Questions end with ? I didn't find any spelling mistakes... I like this keep writing!