The Despair of a Broken Heart.

I don't know how to live, he's still here but I feel like he's gone forever, I cant touch him, but I can feel him like he's a ghost in my heart. My heart.....I don't even know if its still beating. Its like its been replaced with a ten ton weight, or maybe just a black hole. I want to sleep until he's here again holding me in his arms, I love him so much, why isn't that enough? Why do we always see differently in hindsight although I know I did all I could, maybe that wasn't enough either, all the times I put him first and changed so much of myself to make him happy? But it still wasn't enough. Why has god put me through this? What is he trying to tell me because this isn't making me stronger, its making me weaker? Why do so many people who wish for a family, a husband or wife, get it so easily? Why cant I be given those things too? I've worked so hard to be happy when it seems the gods are so against it. Is this hell? Did I do something wrong and this is my punishment? I keep thinking of all the times we shared, trying on engagement rings, going to wedding fayres, it was all too soon I guess but fuelled with hopes and words with no intended conviction or maybe there was intent, maybe I took it too far? I followed his lead but pushed him to go further, I guess my impatience for a happy life got the better of me and now I've pushed him too away. Does he love me? Does he think of when we would lie together and do nothing more than gaze into each others eyes, does he remember how he wanted me to succeed as much as himself. Does he remember when he would walk to the ends of the earth for me, does he remember when he would try to surprise me by coming home when I wasn't expecting him and he stood in the porch doorway and outside the leisure centre. Does he remember when he told me I was the one, it was like he was the first person to see me and every person before him had just been looking straight through me, for the first time I felt like I existed, I mattered, I was his. Does he remember when he used to hold me like no one else could ever have me, when he would be frantic at the thought of me being out around other men? I remember when we used to talk, when we were like best friends. Penelope....how he smiled when we agreed on the name Penelope. How in love we were just a couple of months ago at the medium reading, how we laughed at the guy in old town, how he would protect me from anyone or anything, when he told me in sickness and in health, he said that those vows didn't just count for when we're married, so what about for better or worse, for richer or poorer, til death do us part? I remember when he used to look at me with so much attraction, now I long to hear the words I love you one more time, Does he not remember those times? Has he forgotten? Does he simply not care? Does he love me? Does he know the pain that has emerged with every single tear? He, himself has felt this pain before so why does he allow me to feel the same? All these questions and I'll likely get no answers. Only you could save me, but maybe you weren't ready. Why doesn't the world understand that I am not me anymore, I am lost in a world of darkness, I have lost the love of my life. It will never be replaced. My heart has died. He has died. I have died.