“Bruised and Broken”
A tale of Abuse, Love, & Friendship
By:Katie
I returned home late tonight, Jason’s car got stalled on the corner of Temple and Oak Street. I stood at the door, my hand shaking and trembling as it sits inches from the door knob. I prayed to the lord that hopefully he was passed out on the couch like he always is during the day. I kissed my cross, took a deep breathe and slowly turned the door knob. I walked in, my father was no where in site, I slowly closed the door, and as I closed to lock it something grabbed my wrist and ripped it from the knob. I didn’t even have to look to know. I looked up as he gives me a stare that looks like a mix of Anger and Intoxication. He squeezed my wrist like he was trying to make lemonade out of a lemon.
“Good Evening Father..” I said slowly.
“Don’t give me that shit, where the hell have you been?”
He squeezed me arm harder
“Well, J-J-Jason’s car st-stalled, and we-we couldn’t get ho-home, and,”
“Shut the Fuck up!” He screamed
He throws me against the door, locking my wrists against the door, I stand there and shake in his palms, while fear trembles in my eyes, along with tears.
“I don’t give a shit about his stupid fucking car! When I tell you to get home I tell you be home! Hitch Hike for all I care!”
“But father, I couldn’t leave Jason where he was, he would’ve gotten mugged or som-“
“Don’t talk back to me!”
He throws my body across the room, into the coffee table. I fall over into Mothers favorite vase. I always tried to protect it now that she’s gone. Will she be mad? I look up to see those terrifying eyes staring down at me. He grabs me by my hair and throws me over the couch. Rampaging in anger with the scent of booze on his breath. While he attempts to find me, I scramble to my feet, still trembling from throbbing pain, I run up the stairs. He grabs my ankle, I trip and fall. I some how break loose, and continue to run. I turned the corner, run to my room, close the door swiftly, and lock it. I put the lock on there the first time he beat me, I bought it with the money. He started to bang on the door, almost breaking the wooden door down, he puts cracks in it, but thank god its strong, and wont let the monster break through the only thing keeping me safe. I turn around, slide down the door, let me head fall to my chest, and just let my eyes explode into a waterfall of tears.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well right off the bat the signs are looking too good for our poor protagonists here. Things do be kicking into high gear right away and we immediately get a sense that things are about to go very wrong, very quickly and not end up being all that pretty. It definitely manages to get our attention quite well here. Its a solid way to start things off.
That argument has gotten underway about as well as I expected it to go. I think you're doing a pretty solid job of showing exactly what sort of character this father happens to have and bringing across exactly how unfair he is being hear. The amount of fear and emotion there in the reaction from the daughter is also pretty clearly brought out and that adds to this scene quite nicely to show the weight of what's going on here. So far this is developing quite nicely I think.
Hmm well this isn't a bad place to end here. I think you've done a pretty solid job there. The one issue I did have is that things seem a bit exaggerated. Usually that's not a bad thing, it sells the story a bit stronger and it works in moderation, but that's the issue here. Every part of this blow up that happens seems a little too crazy to be real with being thrown far into a coffee table, doors cracking and such. I think if you made things a bit more toned down, it could actually be a stronger message as contradictory as that sounds. But overall, this is a pretty solid piece I would say.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
First of all, I'd like to say that I like the idea of the piece and the sort of pace you've used could definitely make it exciting and thrilling.
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Some of the problems I had was with the total conflict of characters. You might be trying to totally contrast the father and the daughter but she comes off as really artificial and not very believable. For instance...
"Good Evening Father..." - just doesn't sound like something people would say if they were trying to sneak back into their house. A "Hey Dad..." sound's much more natural. But it's up to you how you want to handle that.
“Well, J-J-Jason’s car st-stalled, and we-we couldn’t get ho-home, and,” I can see you're trying to pass off her character as being really nervous but I think the stutters are a bit overdone here. Maybe just take a couple stutters out.
“But father, I couldn’t leave Jason where he was, he would’ve gotten mugged or som-“
It's the father thing on this one that just doesnt sound right to me. Maybe like something like "Dad, please! I couldn't leave Jason... etc etc." And I'm still struggling to see how having your girlfriend around would stop you getting mugged :S.
There are a few spelling and punctuation errors which make it slightly more difficult to read - you might want to reconsider the use of some commas.
Overall though I think the series could have a really interesting and really thrilling storyline. I was hooked until the end and I definitely want to read the next installment. Keep up the good work
- Tusker -
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I thought this piece was good. You might want to try adding more wordy details though. Unnecessary details are usually necessary. Also it might be a good idea to look at your first sentence. Something feels awkward to me there, I would try either shortening it or break it into two different sentences.
It was down to Earth, ....that's a good thing.