Young Writers Society

Heya, Rishik! Artemis28 here with a review for YOU!

Let's get started. This here, you might need to replace the comma with something else. A semicolon might work, because it either needs to get separated into two sentences or have a semicolon instead.

"He checked his wristwatch, he sighed and then accelerated his vehicle further."

There's a little more of that further into the piece, but that's alright. You can catch that, I bet. But there's one thing I want to mention: try to emphasize your character's emotions. The first paragraph was pretty great, but after that it got a little less great. Especially in the last few paragraphs.

Other than that, this was a nice read! What I thought when I read the ending: PLOT TWIST. DUH-DUH-DUH. But yeah. My friend hermione315 wrote a piece very similar to this, and if you wanna go to her profile and take a look, I'm sure she would be more than happy with a review. Nice job!

XOX,
Artemis28

I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

At one point, I nearly shouted "No, don't leave! He's proposing! I think he has a ring for you!" and it turns out, I was seriously wrong!

The way you write and build up the scene is magnificent! I would recommend anyone to read anything from you. Keep it up!

Awesome story! The ending is really funny.

I did notice a few grammatical errors, mostly comma splices.

Ehehehe......I think we all know what's wrong here.

I like the story. The writing is good though the action (car chase thing) is a bit clumsy. It's just the fact that you added the toothbrush part that just sucked all the air right out of the story. Some may find the ending funny but I think it's just misplaced

Sorry :/

Love the ending!

The story as a whole is pretty great -- just a little rough around the edges. Like someone mentioned earlier, I was really expecting some action so it was a tad disappointing to discover there was virtually none. I really like the silliness and abruptness of the ending, but some action earlier on actually would have done wonders to really surprise the reader with the twist.

Besides that, there are a few minor grammatical errors.

"There she was, coming out of the waiting room, chatting with some strangers, she did make friends fast."

In this sentence, for example, you should just end the sentence at "chatting with some strangers." Then, add "She did make friends fast," as a separate sentence.

"There she was, coming out of the waiting room and chatting with some strangers. She did make friends fast."

Just some commas here and there are placed incorrectly. Anyway, besides a few mistakes, your story is pretty awesome. I really enjoyed it.

Agh! Rishik, this was an...interesting little story, to say the most and to say the least. Caterpickle here to review it as best I can.

I liked how you started it off really fast paced, and I half expected there to be a police car chase, which would have been awesome. However, that wouldn't have fit in the story, so excuse my selfish desires! I also liked how you kept mentioning the thing of value, bringing it up every so often, piling up the suspension. I liked the line "his eyes spoke of dread...". That was a really cool way to express his emotions, so nice going. I enjoyed reading all the imagery, but I wish you had kept up the imagery throughout the story, instead of placing it in chunks.

When you were talking about the woman on the train, you could have described the train a little bit more. You could have said something about the rust on the edges, or the vinyl seats compressing as he watched the woman sink into them. Something like that.

The ending. It made me, actually, kind of upset that you chose such a whimsical ending for a story that had potential to have an awesome ending, a meaningful ending. I understand that you wanted it to be misleading, and funny, and it was, I suppose. However, I wish you had kept up with the fast paced action movie theme. The ending I predicted was that the bundle he was carrying was a baby, the woman's baby. Maybe it had been kidnapped from the baby sitter, and the man had seen the struggle from his house, which would be next door to her house. He had seen the kidnappers and tried to ambush them, stealing the baby back. He probably would have known that the woman was at the train station, because she mentioned a business trip. He would have rushed out their to give the baby to her, because the baby sitter could have been killed in the kidnapping. The kidnappers would be chasing him, because they knew the the man had seen their faces and would turn them in. That would introduce the high-speed chase, and him trying to meet the woman before she left.

That was the ending I was thinking of while I read the beginning of your story. If you like this idea better (I'm not saying you should, I'm just putting all options on the table) feel free to use it, I don't mind. If you don't like it, well, that's okay, too. This was very well written, and definitely could go either way at the end.

~Caterpickle

Omg, LOL. That ending though. You did a beautiful job at giving the beginning a feeling of urgency and suspense. I'd write a review, but everything I was going to say has already been said. I will re-mention something, however. As TimmyJake said, the sentence, "He wiped the sweat from his brow, looking extremely tense.", should be changed. When I read it, I almost thought that there was another person in the car with him and we were actually seeing through their eyes, not the driver's, which is most definitely NOT the case.

This was really great. Looking back at previously done work sometimes makes us automatically think it's bad or "pathetic". Nearly all of the stuff I've done in the last few years look awful in my eyes, probably because I believe I've become a much better writer since then and therefore everything I've written recently is better. In some ways, they probably are better, but they most likely wouldn't look near as bad in the eyes of someone else. As writers, we often scrutinize every single word and sentence, making us overthink everything and doubt ourselves, even though what we've written is probably very decent. You have to learn to be fair to yourself and be confident in your abilities. This is something I struggle with every single day, but I've learned to just set it aside and write. I suggest you do the same.

- BookWolf

Welp, I have nothing to say anymore. The other reviewers stole all my words ;-;. Okaaay, I loved this one xD it kind of reminds me of my writing style in one notebook I had. It's nice and fast-paced, plus you managed to make me laugh. Though, being used to this kind of writing style, I already assumed that the ending was going to be humorous. Still, toothbrush? XD that's so epic. I thought it would be, like, a pair of pants or something xD (Yes, I know, she's a girl but who doesn't need a pair of pants?)

It's nice and definitely not pathetic. Actually, I like your writing this way, because now I can definitely relate. For a stronger piece, you can combine this writing style and the writing style you have now, and boom! You get a baby---I mean a nice piece. What I said in your poem, with simplicity stuff, this is what I meant. Thou dost not needeth be complex. Ew, I know, my shakespearean voice is weird, please don't notice. Back to the topic. My point is, simple words used in complex ways is much better than complex words used in simple ways. So this one is definitely high up my list of favorites.

As always, happy writing~
I didn't intend this to be a review, so I didn't have that common beginning: "Hi, I'm here to review your poem/thingy" xD but it ended like one so yeah. Three down, 22 to go!

Timmy hereee

I'm not going to lie - that ending was so silly. xd I actually went through the majority of this piece thinking what they guy was holding was a baby, because of how he held it and the wording of 'bundle'. And then to find out it was only a toothbrush.... It was a funny twist there, and I enjoyed it a lot. You changed the entire feeling of the piece from something that just seeps urgency into a pretty comical ending. You get points for humor there. (;

I'll just run through this and point out a few things for you, alright? c:

He was already speeding at 60 miles an hour

He wiped the sweat from his brow, looking extremely tense.

He unwaveringly gripped the bundle, it was shabbily wrapped

chatting with some strangers, she did make friends fast.

this short story cracked me up. at first, i was thinking, oh! it must be something illegal! is he a criminal. then the girl was mentioned and i thought, oh! maybe it's a ring! and then its revealed to be a toothbrush and i couldn't help but laugh out loud. these kind of stories remind me how much i love short stories. it doesn't take forever to get to the end so your period of stressing out is short and sweet. great job on this. not pathetic at all. Post more things like this! It kind of brightened my day.

Wow this is the best short story I have ever read Rishik. I don't get what you are saying about it being pathetic. I did think it was very funny. You did get all your grammar right. I did not see any selling mistake so this is grate. So I think you should start to wright a long story because this is so good, and the most funny bit if the story is this port
( "What will she do when she discovers her toothbrush is missing?" ) And I think you should tack out this bit
( P.S. I'm sorry that this is so, well, pathetic. I wrote this one and a half years ago but posted it today because I hadn't published something in a few days.) well that is up to you right now any way I do hope you will keep on weighting fantastic and I hope you have a grate day are night and if it is night where you are I do hope you have a grate sleep. Oh and this short story is a grate way to start a long story so I wish you good luck with you story that you mite wright. So buy.

From your friend jessiebear.

Haha, very funny, the ending. Your story is so not pathetic. Don't doubt your self as you have a really good story.

This is amazing!!! XD

JESUS EFFING CHRIST MAN I THOUGHT HE ROBBED A BANK OR SOMETHING AHH I HATE YOU AUTHOR THAT WAS WAY TOO DRAMATIC FOR ANYTHING

Now that we've got that covered, back to the review:

Honestly I really liked the style of this writing. Instead of the usual monotone narration I use to read most works on here, I got the feeling that this would go really well with the fast-talking lawyer type, who speaks jumbles of words that you can understand enough to agree with but not enough for you to actually understand what he's implying. I mean, this piece is like being in a party and talking to a conman who you know is going to steal your wallet if you look away for long enough, but you don't really mind because he's just so entertaining when he does it. So that's something noteworthy in this.

However, it does come to a bit of an awkward pacing for me when I read it alou: "He tried to make way through the crowd but he never got the chance. He waved the bundle above his head, hoping to get her attention, but this proved to be ineffective." sort of sounds weird and jumbled in my head, perhaps consider breaking it into more sentences. And "And then it happened, the train started moving." was also a little too fast paced for something so overdramatic. Maybe give it a pause at one point to give it a more serious tone? It'd contrast well with the ridiculousness of later on.

But for the most part, I quite liked this. Nice work.

Signing out. --EM.

Hi!
Seriously, like Taha already mentioned, this totally doesn't stink. If you think this is childish, you should read some of my poems! xD (I literally have one called "Pete's Feet") But enough about me, it's time for the review!!

He was already speeding at 60 miles an hour, yet he pressed the accelerator, he needed to go faster.

He was almost there, yes, he was there.

She gave a gracious smile and waved to him. And then it happened, the train started moving.

He is sitting on the bench now, staring at the vacant tracks where her train had stood.

With this thought he leaves the station.

Hi, Rishik. Tumhari short story ke liye ek review chor raha hoon.

First of all the things, I have a question. Why on god's earth do you think that your story is pathetic??? DO you even know what this adjective means?? Dictionary check karo!

Dude, it's a really good story. At the beginning, it takes you to a serious drama stage. It does the same thing through the whole story. And then comes the end. What a hurting, eye-watering pain! Days without toothbrush are like hell...

Well, for a story like this, I think the writing process was well done. The description seemed to be at the right level. You didn't really use much lines expressing "how he was feeling" or directly relating to emotions or the things that were happening inside his head. I hope, you get what I mean. You just described what was going on and it seemed to me fit to write this story. The actions showed what was going on in his head. And I love this about this story.

I didn't really find much grammatical mistakes. However, I think you gave an overdose of commas to the story. Be careful about it. Try to get a clearer concept on the usage of punctuation. This is something I have to do,too.

And do I even need to say anything about the end? Well, she is gonna have some hard days. But I had a great time reading it!

Dude, aur bhi stories porna chahtihu!