Published February 17, 2015
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Prologue.
Long ago, around the time we would identify as the “16th century”, two of the most malevolent beings fused themselves together to make one, ultimate evil . . .
Let’s start with Zegil - A homicidal maniac who doubled as a sadistic conqueror, Emperor Zegil was known to have no mercy on anything that came into his path. Once having an enormous, militarized empire that focused on two things, killing and stealing, it all came to a crash once the UAP (Universal Alliance for Peace) came after him and stopped his carnage dead in its tracks. When he was finally on his last moment, he made his closest soldiers sacrifice themselves in an explosion so he could escape capture through a small cruiser.
Now for Rafara: a narcissistic, gluttonous, nefarious genius, Rafara was no emperor like Zegil, but he was just as sinister. A mob boss, he had operations going on in at least ten billion planets in the Milky Way alone, with about four million of those being completely controlled by him like a maser dictator directing the moves of his each one his citizens and troops. Like Zegil, he had it all: an abundance of sex, power, capital, and property. And also like Zegil, the UAP caught up to him and put an end to it all. Unlike Zegil though, Rafara didn’t have to sacrifice anyone, instead, he used personal contacts in the underground to avoid his detainment.
Then comes the special historical moment . . .
The two shit stains of the galaxy met each other on a vice planet (think of Vegas, only planet sized). Zegil was sitting at a bar taking a shot when Rafara walked up to him and started talking noise. Rafara never was good at holding his liquor, so he was drunk as hell. Anyway, after the first sentence, Zegil pulled out a blaster on Rafara, and Rafara did the same, their actions were almost simultaneous. They stared at each other for a few second and connection was instantly made, with their blasters still held up at each other faces, they named the maker, model and pros and cons of the gun the other person was holding.
“I kind of like you.”
“Same over . . . bub *hiccup* *burp*.”
Zegil flew Rafara home that weekend, though he didn’t drop off him of without robbing him of everything in his pockets of course.
Two weeks after they formed their relationship, they decided two of “the greatest minds in creation" could no longer be separated. Since Zegil saved Rafara from a Universal DUI, it was Rafara’s turn to do the work.
Contacting a guy he knew in the science department of Sector 7 of the Kriole Galaxy on the planet Mercurem, the guy had a device that could fuse organisms into one new unique species with its own single conscience. The device would combine the two organism’s physical pros while destroying the cons. It would then take data form the organism’s brain and put into a new one, combining the consciences for a new one.
Zegil thought the idea was great.
One week later, and they went through the operation and emerged as a new, superior being that named itself Numka, a Vortiligount word that more or less means “devil.” A humanoid similar figure, it was all black and muscular with a naturally hard skin that could block any form of physical damage, its head was elongated and its eyes were two slanted red diamonds. After Numka safely emerged from the fusion chamber, it proceeded to kill every living being on the planet, then afterwards, destroying the entire planet itself for a final touch. Numka encompassed great physical as well as mental prowess.
Numka continued its onslaught of planets until, believe or not, it got bored. The UAP had no knowledge of his existence because it only targeted planets that were either too obscure or not in their database. To contend with its boredom, Numka picked a random planet in a random galaxy to occupy, by chance, it was a planet in our galaxy, the Milky Way. Numka touched down on the planet and saw all kinds of wildlife and growth - there were trees, mountains, deserts, pastures, along cattle, beasts, birds, and insects - it was all in its purest on this planet . . .
. . . And it all had to go.
Within one week, Numka wiped everything off of the planet, leaving nothing but harsh ground. From this new canvas, he began his work . . .
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140,735 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hello IssacHunt,
Myjaspercat here for your review
"Long ago, around the time we would identify as the “16th century”, two of the most malevolent beings fused themselves together to make one, ultimate evil . . . "
----This is boring. It doesn't make me as your reader want to continue reading your story. You need to bring us in with a nice 'BAM' or simply a hook.
"Let’s start with Zegil - A homicidal maniac who doubled as a sadistic conqueror, Emperor Zegil was known to have no mercy on anything that came into his path"
----Place a period after 'conqueror'
"Emperor Zegil was known to have no mercy on anything that came into his path."
----Reword ending to 'to have no mercy for anything that crossed his path.'
Now for Rafara: a narcissistic, gluttonous, nefarious genius, Rafara was no emperor like Zegil, but he was just as sinister.
---Again, place a period after 'genius'. It brakes up one long sentence into two smaller ones that can stand alone.
-----Your first two paragraphs are boring. They are pretty much info dumps. The style of writing is all wrong for what you are trying to do and it makes your writing clunky and hard to read. Don't be afraid to introduce some of this information into the story more slowly. You want to leave some questions in your readers mind onto the characters background so they have an urge to continue reading. By just throwing it all in, your reader can basically go 'yup, ok. That's done and over with.'
"Then comes the special historical moment . . . "
----Instead of just telling us about the special moment, cut it and show us though imagery.
"The two shit stains of the galaxy met each other on a vice planet (think of Vegas, only planet sized)."
----Simply boring. If the planet is like Vegas make it sound exciting, don't just simply tell us it is like Vegas.
"Anyway, after the first sentence, Zegil pulled out a blaster on Rafara, and Rafara did the same, their actions were almost simultaneous."
----This sentence rather confuses me, maybe you could clarify this up a bit.
"Zegil flew Rafara home that weekend, though he didn’t drop off him of without robbing him of everything in his pockets of course."
-----Switch around words, 'him' and 'off'.
-----Again this is boring, make it more exciting. How did Zegil rob Rafara?
****
I pretty much stopped where I did because the rest of the writing is the same and it was getting boring reading what something like this. Your style is choppy and not that fluid, you tell you reader everything thing that is happening rather then showing them and that makes it boring.
SHOWING VS. TELLING
Basically this breaks down to this....
"Showing is for making the reader FEEL they're in your story: feel as in smell, touch, see, hear, believe the actual experience of the characters."
TELLING IS EVERYWHERE IN THIS PIECE
"Telling is for covering the ground, when you need to, as a narrator (whether the narrator is a character, or an implied, external narrator in a third person narrative.) It's supplying information; the storyteller saying "Once upon a time", or "A volunteer army was gathered together", or "The mountains were covered in fine, volcanic ash". So it's a little more removed from the immediate experience of the moment."
Your characters also lacked the development that I was hoping for. You explained them in the beginning but it was all in two paragraphs. That is just too much to handle. It would be better, since this is only the prologue, that you add the detail and background of the two characters farther out in the rest of the story. I get that they 'fused themselves together' but you could still play around and introduce everything about them later on. Kind of give the reasons for why they are, how they are (make another character maybe someone more of the protagonist figure out their 'dirty' past as they are trying to stop them.)
I think that is all. Remember * Write, Re-write, and Write again.
I don't really know what you are planning to do exactly since I am not you but I hope the suggestions I gave above send you on the right direction. If you decide to continue or start over, it is up to you and I am only here to help.
Good Luck and Continue Writing ----Myjaspercat.
Thank you for the criticism, it is most welcomed. This entry served as a very short and to the point prologue to give readers a little background info before getting deeper in the flesh. With that being said, your words have in a way smacked me on my hand, conveying "no matter what, always be visual and grasping", two qualities I regrettably neglected when writing this.
As for this:
"Anyway, after the first sentence, Zegil pulled out a blaster on Rafara, and Rafara did the same, their actions were almost simultaneous."
This is purely an error.
Again, thank for viewing my work and critiquing it, helpful feedback is good feedback.
your welcome
A cross between DOOM, and QUAKE? Two of the best FPS's out there? I've gotta read this!
And I did.
And I could barely see what was going on.
In the telling department, you're solid. You only need to add a few more details to help those not familiar with the in-game stories follow.
However, it would be nice to have this be completely show as well. Try that out, if you want.
Other than that, you've only a couple of grammatical errors, e.g.
Should be a colon instead of a dash.
Keep it up, and I hope this review helps.
-Haven
Thank you very much for both the input and the correction, sorry you can barely tell what's going on here, but you won't see any connection to the angelic shooters until I release the chapters. Also, looking back at this, there's a lot I'm definitely going to chop and change, so I guess you could consider this an rare, or limited edition read (haha, but not really).