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The Threshold Of Happiness

by Ishan212

So I was getting late.

It was a quarter to ten in the morning. I had to get to my class on time.

Setting my wet hair in the desired fashion so that they oppose gravity, wiping my new round glasses and sipping hot coffee as fast as I could I ran out of the house.

It was a morning like every weekend morning. I had had my chemistry class an hour ago and now I had my computer science class and then I had to skip my afternoon nap for my mathematics class. As you see, I have a very tight schedule these days, even tighter than that of the Prime Minister, maybe

Okay Okay. I know that was not a good joke.

The incident of today that forced me to write this journal kind of thing in the middle of the day was something that would be considered as thought provoking and even critical by many. But I will tell you the incident.

So as I rushed out of the house, I was welcomed by two small living beings. Two small boys. They were wearing some kind of fabric I use to wipe the kitchen slabs. They were having shabby hair. Or I’ll rather say extremely shabby hair. And what I failed to notice was they had some receipt book type of thing in their hands.

Seeing a confused look on my face one of my little guests said “ Bhaiya, Janmashtmi ka chanda de do” (Sir, please give us the donation for Janmashtami)

Without giving a second thought I rushed inside picked up a fifty rupee note from my table and was about to donate it when I realized “No this is too much” I quickly borrowed ten from my dad and handed over the note to Chotu, inviting immense satisfaction on his face.

Bhaiya” said the other Chotu, “Aapka naam kya hai?”(Sir, what is your name?)

“ Ishan” I answered in a hurry.

"Ishant” nodded Chotu

“Yarr ‘t’ nahin atta isme”( Friend, it doesn't have a 'T') I replied.

I was almost seated in the car when I realized Chotu was tearing off my receipt.

I got out of the car, collected the receipt as if it were a reward and smiling at the way my name was spelled set off for my classes.

I forgot I was getting late.

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206 Reviews

Points: 2082
Reviews: 206

Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:15 am
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

So, the first thing I notice is that the second line would sound better if you were word it like this "It was a quarter to ten in the morning and I had to get to my class on time." Another thing is that "hot coffee as fast as I could I ran out of the house." this line needs a comma after "as fast as I could". This line, this line needs a period "Prime Minister, maybe". And the last line should be " I forgot I was late." Otherwise, everything else was good. I like the story too.

Overall I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Ishan212 says...

Err.. this was a story, not a poem.

DeerInBacPac says...

Yeah, I know. I had copied and pasted the ending paragraph and forgot to fix it.

User avatar
841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:53 pm
Radrook wrote a review...

First, please note that I like the introduction and it made me smile as I remembered all the times in my life I was in the same hectic schedule and hurrying to get wherever I was going on time. My interest in the story increased as you described the activities of the day. Then you suddenly stopped and took me back to when you were leaving for school and what had happened.

When you introduced two "beings" who were wearing what you describe as maybe dish rags? I was really interested at that point to see what would happen. Were they aliens? What did they want? Two beings sounded ominous. As if they posed some type of danger.

I was a bit disappointed when I found out that they were just a religious duo both named Chotu and all they wanted was a contribution. Was confused when a Chotü was mentioned suddenly followed by second "Chotu". I had assumed that "Chotu" was the first name of the first one. All this time I am not told how they look, but must try to imagine how they look based on their shabby hair?

Then there followed a confusing dialogue in a foreign language which remains largely unexplained. This is followed by an abrupt ending telling us that then you went to your classes--something we knew happened already because you told us at the start. In short, my interest reached a peak when the two creatures were introduced and then confusion followed by nothing really unusual happening. In short, the story has potential which depends on how you handle the encounter between yourself and the Chato duo.

I would delete a great portion of the introduction since it leads back to where you started-at home about to leave for school. Instead bring the introduction closer to the encounter with the beings and take the story from there. Describe their appearance in more detail. Make the dialogue between you and the beings make us wonder what they are up to.

Build up the drama so that you seem to be in real danger. Drama involves conflict. It can be conflict between man and nature. Conflict between man and himself. Conflict between man and some creature. But if there is no conflict then the reader interest will wane. You accidentally reduced the drama by telling us that all these creatures wanted was a contribution. So why would the reader feel the need to read further? He knows that nothing will develop and nothing really did. The contribution was given and you went to class. Nothing unusual about that at all. See the point?

Also, try to give the chotus each a distinct personality so that we can see them clearly. That should be the meat of the story-showing us and not telling us.

Don't introduce foreign language with interpretations but have them speak broken English instead. The reader doesn't want to struggle with foreign language and interpretations unless it is absolutely necessary to increase the drama.

In any case, thanks for the read and keep practicing. It isn't an easy thing to do but it is worth the effort and you do have the talent. All it needs is polishing. Also. please feel free to reject any or all of my suggestions and use the ones you find helpful.
Kind Regards, Radrook

It's "being late" not "getting late"

Ishan212 says...

Hi Radrook
Thanks for the review.
One thing I wish to tell you is that 'Chotu' is not the name of those kids. It's just like what you people call 'Tom' in the West or another name for the boy next door

Random avatar
VaibhavGupta says...

hi ishan,firstly my request to you is that pls dont use ur name as the protangonist of story.
secondly,the word threshhold means the minimum limit and u refused donating a rupees 50 note to chotu.why??
if u seriously think about this poverty stricken world the i dont think that donating such an amount for janamastami is a difficult task for u.
the intro to the story is very vague.
"gravity"is a scientific term not to be used in comprehensive english.
ur schedule cant be busy than a prime minister,agreed
but atleast dont mind ur words as a joke in story itself.
fabric word is also not appropriate use some other word.
in short story pls dont figure out the entire time table for the classes.
the entire story is worth commendable but u need to stick to particular english sentence not merge with ur hinglish dialoges.
i strongly support the review by randrook but still ur plot for story is fabulous.
keep practicing!!
good luck
vaibhav gupta

Ishan212 says...

Vaibhav Gupta
It is my humble duty to tell you how capitalisation works.
Rule 1 Capitalize the first letter of the sentence ie after a full stop always.
Rule 2 The proper nouns begin with a capital letter.
Then I must request you to visit my wall and read an intro about the story and then write about the plot.
Lastly Vaibhav Gupta I'll request you to please comment on my literary work and not on the way I present my stories to my readers.

Thanks Vaibhav Gupta
It's your second review.
Keep reviewing my work.
It will indeed help you become an author.

Seeing is believing, but feeling is the truth.
— Thomas Fuller