Once upon a time, in the far off land of Chester, England there was me: A small town girl who had no place to belong. My Aunt Dannie had been in a car accident and was not able to provide for me any longer. I was 13. My parents were on another one of their mysterious trips when it happened. They took a plane to Hazel Grove but that took 8 hours. They then drove to Chester, England. After enrolling me in a private boarding school in Seattle a year later, they left once more.
Three years passed and I had made a few friends. My closest friend was named Piper. It was the beginning of my senior year and I was determined to have the best school year ever. When word came from Peru that my parents were missing, I nearly collapsed. Piper helped me get from the girl in the back of the class with red, puffy, eyes back to the leading student for Valedictorian. Christmas vacation came around, and so did the annual winter formal. This was my first time going, because I had gone home for the holidays for the past three years. Piper was super excited because she thought this one guy named Flynn was going to ask her, and she’d had a crush on him for the past two years. A week before the formal, we ordered dresses and shoes for the party.
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The next day we picked up our dresses and shoes. We had the rest of the day off, so we went to Vios Café. It has amazing food and the building is awesome. Barb was on cashier duty. She knows us better than Headmistress Cathleen.
“The usual?” Barb asked us.
“Yeah” Piper said.
“Kay, get them two lunch bowls of soup and two hot chocolates” Barb shouted to Kay, the cook on duty.
We got our orders and saw Flynn come in.
“Hi Flynn. I heard that you have a new student at Harrows” Barb said.
“Yeah, his name is James. He’s pretty cool, but I don’t think Gwen will like him very much” Flynn responded.
I looked at Piper and raised one eyebrow.
He ordered and then walked over to the booth we were sitting at. He slid into the seat across from Piper.
“Why would I not like this James person?” I asked Flynn.
“He might just beat you for Valedictorian” Flynn smiled. “Oh, and Piper, I was wondering… maybe you could go to the formal with me”
“Okay” I could tell she was trying not to squeal.
We ate then left for Westfield Southcenter. It was our favorite mall in Seattle.
We browsed for a few hours then picked out a salon to do our hair for the Winter Formal. When we finally went back to our dorms there were only 2 hours until dinner. We went down to the game room and played pool for half an hour then went to the library and did research for a group project that was due the day after the break ended. Dinner was pretty normal, except Piper was beaming more than usual.
We went shopping in the morning with Eboni, another one of my friends. We were talking about who would ask her to the formal next, as she had already turned down three guys.
We got back to the campus and we were just walking around when Piper squealed.
“Gwen, Eb! Look!” Piper exclaimed.
“What?” I asked.
“There’s Liam!” Piper said dragging me to him.
“Hi Liam” I said.
“Uh… hi?” he looked confused. We didn’t really ever talk to him.
“So…” Piper thought for a minute and grinned slowly. “Do you want to have a pool tournament after dinner? We asked a few other people, and we thought you might like to come”
“Okay” he still looked confused.
We walked back to Eboni.
“What was that about?” I asked.
“I was setting him up so that he can get to know you and maybe ask you to the formal” she said as if it was obvious.
“Okay… But we still need a date for Eboni” I pointed out.
“Hm… maybe if she would stop refusing guys, she would already have one” Piper looked at Eboni.
I rolled my eyes. “Fighting about it isn’t going to solve anything”
I checked my phone. “It’s almost time for dinner. We should get back to the dorm”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
Your story seems to have a neat premise, and sounds like it's going to be an interesting adventure, but I found that it read more like a list than a story. Your events are strung along simply and with little feeling. Though you include phrases that hint at emotion, such as "...I nearly collapsed...", but these phrases feel forced and cookie-cutter...
Try to vary the length of your sentences to make it feel less list-y, and attempt to lengthen each experience and really get into the emotions. For instance, instead of just stating that the mother and father are missing, why not include something like 'I was in my room when the phone rang. I picked it up, expecting to hear some relative on the other end, but instead I got a police officer. she explained that my parents had gone missing, and tears immediately welled in my eyes...' Something like that (obviously with better writing haha!) would sound much more interesting than "When word came from Peru that my parents were missing, I nearly collapsed..."
The story sounds really cool, though! I'd be excited to hear what happens next, and what Gwen does to save her parents!
"13" is thirteen.
"...Hazel Grove, but that took eight hours."
"Three years passed, and I had made a few friends."
I feel bad for this girl 100%. Her aunt died, and her parents are nowhere in sight. I can't believe that they don't even want anything to do with their daughter.
"It was the beginning of my senior year, and I was determined to have the best school year ever."
"This was my first time going because I had gone home for the holidays for the past three years.
"The next day, we picked up our dresses and shoes."
Try adding more details to this. I feel as if events are going from Point A to Point B very quickly.
"Yeah," Piper said.
"...two hot chocolates!" Barb shouted to the cook on duty.
"Hi, Flynn. I heard that you have a new student at Harrows," Barb said.
"...very much," Flynn responded.
"...for Valedictorian." Flynn smiled. "Oh and, Piper, I was wondering...maybe you could go to the formal with me." I felt as if that was quick for someone to ask someone else to the dance, don't you think?
"Okay."
"When we finally went back to our dorms, there were only two hours until dinner."
"...half an hour; then went to the library and did..."
"Dinner was pretty normal except Piper..."
"...next as she had already turned down three guys."
"We got back to the campus, and we were just walking around when Piper squealed."
"There's Liam!" Piper said, dragging me to him.
"Hi, Liam," I said.
"Uh...hi?" He looked confused.
"...you might like to come."
"Okay." He still looked confused."
"I was setting him up, so that he can get to know you and maybe ask you to the formal," she said as if it was obvious."
"Okay...but we still need a date for Eboni," I pointed out."
"...have one." Piper looked at Eboni." I was hoping there would be something more here. Maybe she was glaring at her or something like. Giving her the look.
"Fighting about it isn't going to solve anything."
"We should get back to the dorm."
I can tell that this story has potential. It just needs a pick me up is all.
Why hello!
There should be a comma before 'but.'
In the first sentence, the comma should be a semi-colon, I believe. Otherwise I would put a period there. In the second sentence, the second comma shouldn't be there.
You switched tenses. It should be, 'It had amazing food and the building looked awesome.
Well, on the not so specific stuff, you missing a lot of periods inside the quotes, and you miss capitalization after the quotes sometimes. Easy things to miss and mistake. Everyone does it.
Also, there's a lot of telling of what's going on. Maybe try to add in some more changes in facial expression. Then about the ending dialogue. It's a lot of <something the person does> and "what the person says" right after, or the flip side. I would suggest adding in a bit more action of the person, some more surrounding or something. It needs more than just the dialogue.
That's my suggestions for now! You doing great, keep going! You can do it. Also, welcome to the Young Writers Society! It can be pretty fun here.