Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Hey baby. I just wanted to say that I love you.
Standing here by the window looking at the world below me and listening for the calm breeze traveling from where the waves wake up. I light my cigarette. I close my eyes and breathe in the green leaves. I am closest to the clouds when I close my eyes and stand on my tippy toes. I let go of the edge of the balcony and feel the warm air between my heels and the hard concrete.
Hey baby. I just wanted to say that I love you.
All the ten fingers that you have on your masculine hands are necessary. The necessity that you are filling me is compelling and divine with its warmth making my hair curly. Heaven must be like this. You are my heaven. You are my paradise. In those deep eyes I see the thin silhouette that you have wrapped around my finger and I drown. I feel lost in love in your shirt and I feel found in love in your shirt.
Hey baby. I just wanted to say that I love you.
Darling dearest remember when we cruised from the hills down to the distorted city? Your laughter made me go back to my dreams where the colourful flowers had smiles. Oh how my mind never gets fatigue of thinking about you and for that I am glad. You dry up my tears and throw them away in a far far away dark desert where there is no tress passing. There they are forgotten like yesterday’s yesterday.
Hey baby. I just wanted to say that I love you.
The glitter in my eyes will never vanish as long as I have you holding my hand down the street. I can still feel your ruby lips planted like a life on my warm forehead. The kiss you plant before we close our eyes and leave each other only for the night. If only I can tell you what my eyes can see when they rest upon you. There’s a whole life I see around your aura.
Hey baby. I just wanted to say that I love you.
I can walk on the coldest street. I can be at the edge of the world just about to fall down to boundlessness. With you everything is possible that is impossible. Immortality is your happiness. A life wouldn’t be a life without your morning smile and your stretched out arm in my curly hair. Bad is lovely with you. You are as simple as tomatoes in salad.
Hey baby. I just want to say that I fucking love you.
………………………………………………………
Hey baby. I just wanted to say that I love you.
Shit I have to move my neck. No no no concentrate on that small piece of dust on the wall. Yes good girl. What colour is it? Is it grey? No, no questions, concentration. Yes I am staring at the small piece of light grey dust. Ok perfect, keep going you can do it. Concentrate on the light grey small dust piece the on wall dust small small grey chair on against the wall. No, no come on. Breathe through your nose.
Hey baby. I just wanted to say that I
No don’t leave your natural high and go back to hell. No don’t leave this space between the light and go back to black and white. Concentrate! Light dust wall grey small grey dust…grey dust on the small wall…light grey…light grey…light grey. Please don’t fail me mind. Please don’t fail me, you are the only thing that I have left that they can’t take! They have my body and they have done whatever they have pleased.
Hey baby. I just wanted to
Where is his face?! Where’s my darlings face?! Has the dust eaten him up like the white jackets have eaten me? I blinked. I blinked. Oh my dear God I blinked. I am back. I am back to this black and white cold square room. I am back to this black and white cold square room with its never ending smell of hatred. I can feel how the dryness has left my lower lip and moved in and down to my starving soul.
Hey baby. I just
I can feel my neck bone crying, demanding for change of position. My flat hair at the back of my head is welcoming the concrete wall in. I am cold. My legs are biting me fiercely around my knees begging me to stretch them out. My for ever sorrowful cheeks want me to lift my right hand and wipe away the salt. The saliva on the right side of my jaw is stuck like unwanted winter during spring.
Hey baby.
The cold air is hugging my inside and I am for ever hugging me trying to re-invent the original feeling that you gave to me. I don’t understand how two eyes can produce an eternal sea like this. My arms are not the only ones stuck in this straight jacket but all my life is just as trapped. The cage opens. “Time for your medicine.”
……………………………………………………………
Isabelle Eoka
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,603 Literary Works • 672,933 Reviews
Hi Isabelle,
First off. Great job with the pace, it all simmers down into a powerful ending, and you played a nice sparring of imagination vs. reality.
1.) "I let go of the edge of the balcony and feel the warm air between my heels and the hard concrete." --> Let go of the edge of the balcony..with what? Also Im not sure how the "warm air between my heels and the hard concrete" describes the feeling you were aiming for. Mainly, the "hard concrete" throws me off.
2.) "All the ten fingers that you have on your masculine hands are necessary" --> fingers can't really be on hands. Maybe something like "All ten fingers of your masculine hands are necessary".
3.) "In those deep eyes I see the thin silhouette that you have wrapped around my finger and I drown. I feel lost in love in your shirt and I feel found in love in your shirt." --> these two sentences are lyrical, but not exactly logical. When you say "I see the thin silhouette that you have wrapped around my finger", what do you mean? You mentioned his fingers in the beginning of the paragraph and then jumped over to your finger. Why this transition? For the second sentence, it may read better if you write: "Wearing you shirt, I feel lost in love. I feel found in love." (Though I don't like my adaptation nearly as much as I like your first one.)
4.) "Hey baby. I just want to say that I fucking love you." --> POWERFUL. One word marks the transition of tone in this piece. The falling from a high to a low, the receding of fantasy and the crashing in of reality...Loved this part.
5.) " I can feel how the dryness has left my lower lip and moved in and down to my starving soul." --> I don't understand this sentence. Perhaps a better imagery for this would be: "I can feel how the dryness slips past my lower lip, sinking/seeping down to my starving soul?"
6.) "The cage opens. “Time for your medicine.”" --> It was a long, but worthwhile wait!
Last Comments: Overall, I really liked this piece. Very original and powerful writing driving it. Good work.
(Do we rate works? Lol...) 8.5/10
First off welcome
to YWS
The place where people come together with all kinds off things
Dragon here
I'm the only real Dragon here
in a none creepy way
i just started on this thing too and was wondering if you wanted any help maybe we could help each other out or something
Okay Review on the story lets just say i liked it a lot
Detailed and really interesting
if i had to rate you out of 10 ill give you a
7/10 congrats
remember to stay happy,
Dragon!
Check my work out!