Today, as everyday, I lie down in the middle of the playground, listening to the myriad sounds of daily life that paint me a picture of a world I cannot see. Near me, buzzing flies feast on a decomposed animal. In the trees, birds whistle a harmonious tune. Farther off, schoolmates slowly bounce a basketball. The pitter-patter of little children’s feet is barely audible as they rush to the swings. Leaves rustle in the wind. The song “Eye of the Tiger” blares from the windows of some neighboring residence. I suppose a group of students must be practicing their dance routine because I hear aggressive stomping near me get up Blindie I recognize this voice as that of the school bully as he kicks dirt on me I have no other choice but to open my gray eyes and stare into the empty space where I calculate the massive body to be I feel fierce arms suddenly grab me and my arms and legs are being tied down although I am trying to fight there are too many of these ghosts around me to handle I am trying to focus my auditory sense to distinguish the location of these tormentors but the gangsters confuse me as they shout grab him kick him in the balls slap him punch him move him over to the warehouse forget about blindfolding him he can’t see dumbass they all holler as the searing pain all over my body is making me dizzy and as I feel as if I’m going to faint I hear children laughing as they play hide and seek in the playground. “Eye of the Tiger” keeps playing from a home. Some teenagers orally review for their history quiz on the Peace of Westphalia. A kid just whooshed past me trying to find a good hiding place you just cost me my education Blindie you told on me shouts the bully you think you’re so smart recording conversations because you can’t see what teachers write on the board well let’s see if you can record this shouts the bully I’m howling the strongest is beating me up I can’t feel my shins blood tastes awful I can’t breathe I am listening to a butterfly float past my ear. A car just screeched, exactly one minute after a dog barked on the street. The flies are still buzzing around the dead animal. I can smell blood and freshly cut grass what happens to tattletales in this school Blindie do you know how people pay life changing damages inquires the bully real men don’t tattle he cries maybe you don’t deserve to be a man i’m going to jail because of you the gang leader buffets my face brakes my arm kicks my knee i’m pinned down to the soil i can smell the earth I just heard the basketball swoosh though the net. I wonder who’s winning give it up blindie I have a riddle for such a smart ass as you what’s shiny loyal and sharp he taunts me cold metal slides by my cheek nears my throat I hear the bounce of the basketball. The flies are buzzing around a dead animal the brute opens my shirt slides the knife down it not injuring me that feels good dont it he asks I hear birds whistling, the pitter-patter of children’s feet down and down and down goes my best pal hes as sharp as you are get it he jokes idiot I hear laughter, a butterfly, a dog bark i think the knife will halt near my thundering heart but it keeps sliding down my belly like a snake in search of prey youre not a real man Basketball, flies, birds, running children, laughter, dogs an ape punches me blood trickles down my chin the metal snake has just entered my pants I still hear “Eye of the Tiger” booming from a room. Survivor’s lyrics penetrate my mind: “Risin’ up to the challenge of our rivals.” I can’t drown in my thoughts. I must close my imagination to these terrible fantasies i promise blindie this will hurt I must become the last known survivor, the last man standing. I need to dominate my wandering mind Theknifeisabouttostrike Focus on your surroundings! Become aware of the present, of the reality, of now! I need to focus on my surroundings! Slash!
Today, as everyday, I lie here in the middle of the playground listening to the myriad sounds of daily life. Near me, buzzing flies feast on a decomposed animal. In the trees, birds whistle a harmonious tune. Farther off, schoolmates slowly bounce a basketball. The pitter- patter of little children’s feet is barely audible as they rush to the swings. The song “Eye of the Tiger” blares from the windows of some neighboring residence.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I agree with Periwinkle. You've got some interesting imagery, but it's all one block, making it difficult to read. Break it up and adhere to grammatical rules regarding quotation marks and sentence structure and it will be greatly improved.
I am confused as well. Is "Blindie" the narrator? Did he just get killed on the playground? Is he a member of the gang or a random kid? What was with the repetition of the first paragraph? Why did he tell on "the bully"? What did the bully do?
Like I said, you've got some good description going on, and I like the repetition of things like "Eye of the Tiger", but you need to break this up and clarify a few things. Keep writing!
Hello, I'm Periwinkle and I'm going to review your work.
Welcome to YWS , I hope you enjoy it here. Anyways, you need to break this up! A block of words usually scares off reviewers!
This is quite the run-on sentence and it's a bit confusing also. You should edit this.
I was a bit confused reading this. I don't really know what's going on; it goes too fast for me to process. Also you need to use some form of dialog with quotations. That's what makes it difficult to know what is going on. It's an interesting piece and scary. I really wasn't expecting that to happen on a playground...