Chapter one: I have risen
I woke up from my slumber. It had been a long time since i had last been awake. The only thing I can remember is that my name was Juliette, I was a vampire and that I wasn't liked very much. I wonder what year it is? The last time I was awake it was 1946. Things had started to rot around me. I must have been asleep for a long time!
I got up out of my coffin which was still the comfortable thing in the whole world! It had fur on the bottom of it and the colour of it was black! How awesome is that! I stayed in a cave, but I guess that is no surprise! I do manage to find a house eventually! I didn't get many visits in 1946 so I am not sure I should get a house, I might be waisting my money.
I had to get my act together! I was so thirsty! I still had my 1946 clothes on. I hope the fashion hasn't changed much. I go outside and the sun was shinning bright. I loved the sun. The feeling on my pale skin was heaven. I remember when my sisters and I used to go on walks through the park with no struggle to hold in the urge to bite somebody. I have trained myself to stop that from happening. Of course I still feel like biting something but I stop myself from doing it.
I continue to walk outside. Something had changed. What sort of monstrosity was this! I saw a big looking sort of tower in the distance. The forest that surrounded my cave was untouched but I had a feeling that there had been some changes to the world while I was gone. I kept walking until I got to a path. I followed it until I heard some people talking. I hid in the bushes and got into my attack position.
I jumped out at them and they were teenagers. About 15 or something. What a coincidence! That is my age... well was my original age. I managed to bite them before they screamed. God I felt really bad! I hate the feeling. I am killing people my original age. I dragged them off into the bushes then checked their clothing size. One of the girls clothing was way to big but the other girls clothing was perfect!
I changed clothes with her then took their bodies further into the forest. I had to make sure nobody found them. These clothes were definitely different to the ones I had on. My thirst was back to normal but I was still wanting to know the year. I saw one person running along and I had to ask. " Um hi. I was wondering if you could tell me what year it is?" I asked. She looked at me as if I had a problem. "The year is 2013" she replied. "Thank you so much!" I said and she started to jog off. 2013 yep I guess this is the start of a new life.
Hi there, CM here with a quick review. Welcome to YWS! (Late welcome
)
Since everyone else has avoided the hard stuff, I'm going to have to get down dirty with some serious nitpicking.
It had been a long time since i had last been awake. (I)
I wonder what year it is? (This is present term, whereas at the start you use 'woke' instead of 'wake'. If your using present term switch it)
I got up out of my coffin which was still the comfortable thing in the whole world! It had fur on the bottom of it and the colour of it was black! (I think you mean 'most comfortable')
How awesome is that! I stayed in a cave, but I guess that is no surprise! I do manage to find a house eventually! (Waaaaaaay too many exclamation marks. Turns off serious readers. Common mark of an young 'un)
I had to get my act together! I was so thirsty! (More exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!) (PICK A TENSE! STOP SWITCHING THEM, IT'S INCREDIBLY ANNOYING.)
Otherwise, it's fine. Apart from the rocky start with the grammar, I reckon there's a heap of potential in this. Personally though, I despise vampire stories (Twilight) so maybe it was a waste on me.
~CM
Heyya! Dutiful here for a review!
I have no problems whatsoever with it being a vampire story.
Based on the description, she is going to join a high school 
This should be interesting!
Really good!
Okay, so this is a vampire story. I have nothing against them
Having said that, I'm quite grateful for the change in the theme. THANK YOU!! it is so refreshing to read a vampire who isn't the glamour queen or has sparkling skin. But teen vampires have a special lure about the
Okay now that I've given my compliments, lets move on to the criticism.. haha, sorry I was trying to sound strict
But seriously, I feel the text could have used a little revision. I realised you've used a lot of exclamation, in some areas where I felt it was unnecessary.
The writing also, I felt lacked a bit of fluidity. I felt, that the sentences stopped a bit too abruptly.
The tense, I also felt was a bit of a problem. At one point, the tense is in past and then the next, it shifts to present.
Okay, thats all the grammatical errors I had.
I like the theme of the story, so no comments from me on that
I'm very much interested to know how she adapts to 2013. I think you can add lots of humour here
I liked how you mentioned about the sunlight. Quite contradictory to the actual fact that vampires despise sunlight
I'm excited to see what happens next! Could you please inform me when you've written the
next one? Thanks!!!
Good job!
-Divz
Thanks for all the advice! I really appreciate it! And of course I will let u know!
Skyler Lestrange signing in to give opinions, advice and LOVE and PEACE!
Here I go!
Oh my God! I find vampire fictions really interesting. I'm not really into vampire stories like Twilight or Vampire Diaries. I'm into the likes of Let me in and Queen of the damned. So think this story is quite interesting.
Ummm...Vampires cannot go out into the sun. Just saying watch out for the vampire facts.
Also you should watch what you are doing with tenses. One moment you will writed in past tense and then in present tense. However this is not something only I've seen in your story but many others so don't worry! Just try and work on it.