Published May 11, 2014
What Do You Do?
When love turns to hate, trust turns to lies, friends turn into enemies, and family turns against you. When life turns to death, your heart turns cold; your breath runs out, and you lose all feelings. When you break the last piece of your heart and run out of thread to mend the pieces. When Rivers run dry and your bridges fall down. When the sun doesn’t rise and the moonlight just isn’t enough. When everything you have just isn’t enough, and the last thing you give is your life. What do you do when there’s nothing left to do?
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I like it! The question is very relevant in this age of nihilism. There are several capitalization errors in this, so look it over, but I will try to focus on the writing. I find this almost to fit under poetry; The way you get the words to flow into each other, painting a picture of this dilemma so clearly. I would highly recommend republishing this as a poem. I love the "you break the last piece of your heart and run out of thread to mend the pieces." It almost felt as it I was having my heart broken as I was reading that. You really seem to have a talent for making these words come off the page and come to life.
You could probably expand with this. It's not really an essay at the moment. There are some technical errors that Laure pointed out. I really think this would be more of a poem or short story. Also, don't use the same words frequently, you've used 'enough' twice in the time of two sentences.
This really made me think, I believe that this piece makes you wonder at the end, and I'm wondering, what would I do?
Works that make you think are good, because the story stays in your head long after you've read the story. However, you don't really want for the reader to be bothered by the piece in a way, you want them to desire more work from you. Is this making sense?
~ Lee
Ok, I understand the errors I didn't notice them at first. The point of this is to make people wonder what you would do not to necessarily provide answers. I'm new to this so sometimes I may not put these in the right categories. If you could suggest a better topic to put this under where more people would relate, that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your review.
Hai, Laure here for a short review. I'm going to start off with the technical things and then move onto the content.
'When Rivers run dry,' rivers shouldn't be capitalized here unless it is the name of a particular river or if it is the name if someone, but in this case, I assume you are talking normal rivers.
'trust turns to lies' Trust isn't used in the right context here, I think you mean truth.
So, I'm going to be a bit blunt here, when you classified is under literature and essay, I was perhaps expecting an insightful essay in what to do when everything in life crumble away. I mean what you have here purposes a series of questions waiting to be answered, all I got from this essay sounds like you asking questions about what would happen when life falls away, and nothing left it at that and didn't explain or give us the answers.
I mean, you have some really interesting questions there and some great metaphors, like the one with the sun and moon. But they are all questions with no answers, so I wouldn't exactly call this an essay but like a series of rhetorical questions.
You can go far with this, expand it.
-Laure
Ok, I understand the errors I didn't notice them at first. The point of this is to make people wonder what you would do not to necessarily provide answers. I'm new to this so sometimes I may not put these in the right categories. If you could suggest a better topic to put this under where more people would relate, that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your review.