Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a pretty neat little first chapter here. There's a couple of rough spots especially at the start but for the most part I think it does a pretty good job of getting our attention and setting up a pretty interesting little background here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I would like to start this by saying. I am not a “good” person. I kill people and … eat them sometimes. Sometimes not of my own Volition. Now do not get all up in a bind, Saying this person is a twisted cannibal. How can I be a cannibal? I'm not even human. I was once, but that was many full moons ago. Monsters are real, you may even know some, and yet you don't even know. I am a lycanthrope, a werewolf for the uneducated. My name is Sarah Caliban. I have been alive for 160 years, And I love being a werewolf.
Well this is an interesting take there for a first chapter. Very often when it comes to werewolves you have the person not being a big fan of being a werewolf but it seems this one is quite the opposite here. I think already it does a great job as a result of getting our attention here. Let's see what this first chapter has to offer here.
I was not just bitten by any old flea-bitten wolf; it was an alpha.” Wolves are pack animals; anyone can tell you about that. Much like wolves, the alpha has a bond that influences his pack. Especially one that they themselves have turned.
In 1844 I was born to Leeroy Caliban and Bottomless Stream. Yes, My mother was Native American. You could not tell it by looking at me now or then. My father was mostly not nice unless he got to drinking. My mother ran off and I went with her when I was fifteen. My daddy took me back and hurt a lot of people in the process. Then something bad happened to my mom. I do not want to talk about that. The tribe tried to help but could not. The Caliban name meant something, and it had an army with the Railroad and spilled too much Cheyenne blood. And he kept me behind that army. He wanted to marry me off to a pathetic aristocratic pioneer. Seven years later the Cheyenne had enough and got one of their outlaws to do what they wanted and go after my daddy. Long Fang, a brute of a man and you guessed it a werewolf. He stood at 6’2 his muscles looked hard as steel. like a modern-day bodybuilder.
Hmm well this is quite a rushed start here. You've showing us a pretty large amount of history there in a very short paragraph and its a bit hard to process I feel. It ends up being kind of an info dump where we've introduced to many characters that ultimately don't end up all that memorable because its just comes and goes a little too fast to register properly. So while its somewhat attention grabbing, it kind of makes you confused halfway through. Spreading that out a bit more or just not packing quite that information in there might be a good idea.
Long Fang hated the white man and that hate called a demon to him. The demon took his skin walking ability and corrupted it making a werewolf. No, not the first time this demon had been doing this for years. Tell a Black Badge caught up to it, I think. Not my story to tell. Long Fang formerly known as Standing Waters. After becoming a werewolf, tribe members started turning willing at first. then by force. He was thrown out of the tribe and told never to come back and shunned. So, he started his own thing, and had a small following. Then the railroad came through and the tribe needed his help because they could not stop it, and in hindsight still do not stop it. Even when they played dirty.
Long Fang and his followers came in the dead of night. Only he had the Lycan curse. He did not use it immediately. He killed a few men, his followers starting trouble on the other side of the cut. I only heard about that. They Made a great distraction. He forced his way into my father’s car. He saw me and my father. I would like to tell you that my father fought to protect me. I wish I could. My father is a goddamn coward.
Well this is a bit of a better pacing I think. This particular bit of history reads a lot better and we can actually appreciate what's happening. And now that we can, there does appear to be some pretty solid backstory going on here. Long Fang certainly seems like quite the character.
Long Fang threw his tomahawk at my father, grazed his arm, my Father drew his iron, fired pointing in his direction with no time to aim. He got lucky and Hit Long Fang in the chest. He stumbles, flinching with the impact. He ripped his knife from its sheath and lunged. Slashing the air. My Father had luck on his side; he did not get cut or stabbed. He points his iron like a judging finger at Fang's heart, Fang stares at my father with fire in his eyes. He knew my father had him dead to rights. My father fired again, hitting the mark. Long Fang went down. My father shouts for help. I am standing before my father. Not sure what I need to be doing in the heat of the moment. Fang who I believed to have died behind me. I hear a low growl. I turn around and Long Fang has gone, and a wolf is standing where I last saw Fang. This wolf is seven, almost eight feet tall. His muscular shoulders alone are almost as wide as the goddamn train car. This wolf moved fast. I did not have time to react. Then I felt it. That coward of a man in the shape of my father, pushed me towards Fang. When I think about it long and hard enough, I can still feel its teeth clamping down on my shoulder and neck. I now know, the proper name is the carotid artery. I do not know how Fang didn’t sever it. If he did, I would not be telling you this story.
Ooooh this was a pretty nicely done fight I think. ITs a bit of a long paragraph and I would suggest maybe breaking it up into a couple just to make it easier to follow but you hit the beats of that fight quite well and I think it leads up to that big moment of Sarah being bitten quite well.
Fang savaged me something fierce. I went down and did not think I would get back up. My father ran for the back of the car and escaped out the window. At that time Fang was not ready to take on the whole of the camp. He let out a howl that shook the car. Then he ran for the forest. You see, I learned this the hard way. A normal bullet will not outright kill us, we heal too damn fast. But they still Fucking hurt, and the kinetic energy still must go somewhere. Are healing will get us back in the fight fast enough. you get enough bodies and guns shooting us. Are healing cannot keep up with the demand. Healing will slow to a crawl, and you can force us back into human form. We will pass out from exhaustion. Unless you got something bigger than a 44, 1 on one you are not pulling that hat trick off. Even so you still must hit us, and we are fast as hell. We will get into silver later.
Hmmm this a decent way to dump that particular bit of information. Its a little bit on the nose but it works a lot smoother because of the place you've managed to sneak that into.
When I woke up, I was in excruciating pain. My insides felt like they were on fire, and the fever was so high they thought I might die. I begged them to let me die, to put me out of my misery. I couldn't tell if it was day or night when a stranger arrived to see me. His face showed that he knew all about what had happened to me, as if he had encountered a werewolf like Fang before, evident from the three scars that marked his face like makeup. He had a formidable aura and examined my wound, remarking that it was healing quickly. Then he produced a knife made of pure silver and touched it to my wound. It felt like Fang was biting me again, and I shuddered. Strangely, no one else was in the tent at the time. He asked me how I got these wounds. The man waited with me. As I was going in and out of Consciousness. He knew a lot of the information I had to give. He showed compassion. He was aware of my suffering. He presented me with an escape and I implored him tearfully. He planted a kiss on my forehead, He drew his Iron, instructed me to shut my eyes, and recited a blessing. "Ve con la bendición del Señor, me entristece verte partir de este mundo. Oh Padre misericordioso, busco perdón y confío esta alma atormentada en Tu abrazo amoroso. Abrazalos cerca y otorgales paz. Amén." He then Pressed his iron to my heart and then. On the one occasion my father did something to protect me, it came with an ulterior motive. He prevented a man from killing me, but at the time, I resented him for it. The pain was all-encompassing, making it impossible to sleep or find any respite. Now, I understand that my body was rebuilding itself, my muscles hardening, my eyes changing, and my sense of smell becoming more acute. You know the drill - the whole "stronger, faster, yada, yada, yada" thing. If you're not familiar with the lore, tough luck. You can always watch a movie to see what a werewolf can do - they got it about 90% right.
Okayyyy...another paragraph in need of being split up and this time I feel like you definitely have some pretty clear points where it can be easily broken up unlike the fighting sequence so it would help. The flow of this part is also not quite as great even though I do love the amount of personality you're creating here for Sarah simply through how she's telling this story. I think it adds a lovely extra element to the story.
After two weeks, I woke up feeling energized and without any aches or pains. My eyes were clearer and now a pretty shade of purple, which caught the attention of a camp hand. My senses had sharpened, and my scars looked cool. Needless to say, I turned a lot of heads. Every taste of food was new, and I could identify the ingredients. The only downside was that dogs didn't seem to like me much. Despite that, I felt like I was on top of the world and nothing could bring me down - until my father dropped the bombshell that I was to be married in two weeks. I said nothing, but the cook noticed the fire in my eyes turning crimson and found me scary. Little did they know that my father's plan would have worked if it weren't for that pesky full moon.
Ooooh this is a pretty decent ending here. I think it creates a nice little hint of a cliffhanger while showcasing almost a little summary of what's happened up to the point it ends off at. Not a bad place at all to end for a first chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a fairly solid chapter one. I think despite the few flaws that it does have, it is very interesting to see all of the details you seem to have put quite a lot of work into and I think it does enough to make me want to read a second part.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
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Reviews: 3927
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