The Wonderful Day
Chapter 1 Robin
Robin of Loxley was having a
wonderful day. He was heading, from the war in the holy land, that he that he
was fighting in for the king, back to his home, to his beloved Loxley town.
With his best friend, (Much who is Robin’s man servant), ending their
adventure, but his wonderful day was going to take a bad turn.
As they were walking Robin saw a man preparing to shoot a deer. The man had dirty brown hair and honey colored eyes. He had a soft face. The man was exceptionally handsome man for a commoner.
The man took a deep breath and dew back the string of the bow. A whinny sounded out thought the forest as five guards on horseback charged into the clearing. They all stopped when they saw the man, but, they did not see Robin or Much safely hidden in the shadows. The caption looking very upset, yelled,
“Do Not Shoot The Deer!” The man, startled, dropped the bow and let out a little yelp, who was just staring at them as they came charging in, but then at the loud sound of the Caption's voice shook the man out of his shock. Then the caption dismounted the horse and stepped close to the man, who stepped back, eyes wide with fear.
The caption has a hard face stringy blond hair and gray eyes. He looked like the type of man that like to inflict pain on others. That is the type of man, that Robin did not like. The man sat on his horse with confidence, that made Robin think that he grew up with authority. That means that he does not know what it is like to go hungry.
“To shoot one of Prince John’s deer is the penalty of your left hand gets cut off.”
"No! Sir! Me wife at home is expecting a baby and she and the baby need to eat. I need me hand to hunt” said the man.
“You can let us cut off one of your fingers instead, but you cannot hold a trial against us.”'
“Fine,” the man said in a beaten voice “Cut me finger off.” Robin had to interfere. He could not let this happen in front of him. He grabbed his bow and pulled up his hood that was sewn onto his shirt carefully, drew an arrow and then whispered to Much,
“I want you to run around the forest, silently, when you get behind a bush or tree shake it.”
“Oh, master please on more heroics!”
“Just do it!” Much turned to go. Robin stepped out of his hiding place. All of the guards turned to look at him.
“DO NOT TOUCH THAT MAN’S FINGER!” Robin yelled in a deep voice.
“Who are you?” asked the caption.
“You know who I am.”
Robin said in a dangerous voice.
Robin put his arrow on the
string, drew back and shot the arrow in a matter of seconds. The arrow whizzed
past the captain almost hitting him and thudded into a tree. the part of Robin's
face that the man could see told the him that Robin had missed on purpose and
if he wanted to he could shoot with deadly accuracy.
“You are surrounded, turn around while you can” While Robin said this, Much ran around the forest shaking bushes and trees, making is seem like there are men in the forest.
“Captain we are surrounded we should go.” one of the guards said. While this was happening the man smartly, ran off to go help this wife.
“Turn around men. Let’s go.”
the captain commanded. Latter he would find the man with the hood and make him
pay.
When the guards were almost
out of sight, Much stepped out of the forest and yelled,
“Ha! We got you! Losers!” with
a smug look on this face.
The captain of the guard looked
back and saw just Much and Robin. Then he put two and two together.
“There are only two of them!”
he yelled at his men.
Robin turned around and
punched Much, not to hard but not to gentle. Then Robin bolted of into the
forest. Wisely, Much followed, as the guards charged him.
Robin, being a better natural
athlete than Much, was way ahead. Robin was looking for a hiding place for him
and Much. Then he spotted it. It was beneath a tree where the roots of the tree
parted and made a gap big enough for him and Much. The hiding places was hidden
by a bush. Robin dashed into the hiding place. As Much past him he pulled Much
in wall covering his mouth so he could not yell. When the guards galloped past,
Robin and Much got up.
“Oh, Much you never learn. Will you?” Robin said with a smile.
“Oh, come on master give me a break. Will you?”
“No. No, I will not. so get used to it!”
“Oh, master I assure you that I am used to it. You have been doing it for years!”
“Well I’m never going to stop.
Hurry up, Much! We need to make it home before dark.”
Robin was smiling and was
trying not to laugh the entire time. Robin thought about his town whale they
walked. Robin could not wait to get home to his Loxley and most of all, he
could not wait to get home to Lady Megan.
Lady Megan was engaged to Robin, but when the king called him to the holy land Robin had no choice but to leave her. That was the hardest thing that he had ever done in this young life. He knew that it was hard on Megan too. Now all he wanted to do is go tell her how sorry he was for leaving her. Megan was hard girl to get so he knew that it would take time to earn her love back, but he had to try.
“Robin! It’s Loxley!” said Much in a excited voice.
“Well, come on Much Lets race!”
“OK, but we know all know that you will beat me.”
“Oh, you don't know that for sure, Much."
"Yes I do."
"No you don't"
"Yes I do."
"Whatever. Ready........ stet.......... Go!!!” Robin zipped down the hill as fast as arrow. Much, following behind not quite as fast. When they reached the town, of course Robin had won, everyone was in the town square ready to greet the famous, Robin of Loxley who had been so kind to them since his father died in a war a long time ago.
"look, it's lord Robin."
"It's Robin of Loxley." Robin heard phrase like this from several of the people. Robin was popular around Loxley because he was so kind and while he was gone a new sheriff was appointed. The people needed his love and kindness that they had once taken for granted.
“Woo, woo, People Of Loxley I Will Hold A Banquet Tonight And Everyone Will Be Fed From My House! No Expense To You!”
“ROBIN OF LOXLEY! ROBIN OF LOXLEY! ROBIN OF LOXLEY! ROBIN OF LOXLEY!” the people took out a chant.
“Wow, Master you know how to work up a crowd.” said Much.
“Oh, it’s quite easy you just have to say what they want to hear.”
“And you, Master, are quite good at that.”
“Enough talk Much, Let’s go inside clean up and I want to go see the sheriff”
“Master, I must correct you. You do not want to see the sheriff, you want to see the sheriff’s daughter Lady Megan.”
“I stand corrected Much, you know me only too well.”
“Well, Master I have to take care of you.”
“Are you sure I don’t take care of you?”
“Master! Don’t insult me!” Much said tying not to smile, Robin on the other hand was laughing his head off.
“Come now Much, let’s get inside so you can clean up, you smell like a pig. Wait a minute, you are a pig.” Robin said chuckling. When inside the Manor the Robin bumped into Guy of Gisbron.
Guy of Gisbron had black hair, brown eyes and a hard voice. Robin and Gisbron have been at ends for years, ever since they were kids. Guy had been after Robin's land sense his mother had died and his father was killed in the war, like Robin's father. He thought that the land was right fully his, but the land is not Gisbron's.
“Sir Gibson what are you doing in my home without being invited in?” Robin questioned.
“The Sheriff has assigned me Loxley while you were gone.”
“The Sheriff would not have done that.”
“Whale you were gone a new Sheriff was appointed. And he was the person who assigned me.”
“There’s a new sheriff. Well, I would like to meet him.” Robin said, feairos. From what has happened so far Robin has a felling that he will not like this new Sheriff.
"The sheriff is holding a banquet tonight and I am sure he would like you to come.”
“Oh, I will come to this banquet. Who is invited?”
“All of the lords and ladies.”
“Great, see you there. You can go now, I am back, and Loxley is still my land.”Gisbron humped and left looking pretty irritated. Robin needed to know as much as he could him about this new Sheriff before the banquet tonight. Looking around, for someone that might help him, Robin spotted the servants. This man has served Robin for many years and is trustworthy, so Robin went over to him and asked,
“Is this new Sheriff a fair and good man?” the servant look around and when he saw know one listening he said in a quiet voice,
"No, sir. His taxes are way too high. And when we are starving and steal something like a small sack of grain he hangs us. If you mock of him or bump into something that is his you get your hand cut off. If he is walking and you are in the way he will punish you very harshly. The Sheriff is not a fair or good man. The shire has become a horrible place sense you left.”
"Thank you very much." the old servant nods.
"You did not hear that from me." and the servant bows and leaves. Robin ponders on what he heard from the man as looks for Much. He finds Much in the kitchen pigging out on food.
“Much, we have a problem.”
“What is it Master?”
“The problem is this new sheriff.”
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Heya, Chrissy here for a review.
Well, old Prince John being troublesome again? Or is it just the Sheriff? Time will tell, I suppose. Okay, let's see what I can find.
If you say that he is coming from a war in the holy land, we already know that he was fighting in it. You can just take the part, that he was fighting in for the king, out. It isn't needed.
You need to work on that a little. It was slightly jarring when I read it. I suggest combining the first sentence with the first part of the second sentence. Like this...
You don't describe Much at all. I don't even know what he looks like. You say that Robin's smiling, but nothing about Much.
Ahem, I think you can see what wrong here.
I don't know. It just doesn't sound like something he should say. Too modern sounding.
Talk about him going into the Manor. Describe the doors, the people, the walls, what sort of furniture.
Well, that's all I could really find. You keep writing! You have some some amazing potential.
Will be reviewing your future works, if I can.
And ripping them to shreds.Hello pretzelsing here and I want to review your piece,
I think that your work is great, BUT is needs a lot of polishing, editing, and attention.
First of all, to start, you have a lot of typos. An easy cure for that is to just go back,read you story out loud to someone and edit them.
I also noticed that you had an unnecessary ellipsis or three dots.
Those dots weren't necessary. First of all you should use three dots if it was necessary, it's called ellipsis. But in this place here you should write: Ready, set, GO!!
In this sentence:
First of all I would cross out the words inside the parenthesis because you shouldn't introduce a character to the reader in that way. You need to do it very naturally. You say something like: Robin's adventure was ending, and he and his best friend, Much, who was also his man servant, headed home. That would be more appropriate. That is just a suggestion that you could give or take. Also another thing, look at the bold words. Do you really want to give such a big clue and predict a bad days to your readers? I think that you shouldn't use those words and just cross the out. I know personally that I like making my readers surprised and at the edge of their seat.
I think that in this sentence:
The accepted way of repetition in my mind is three times in writing. So just cross out the last one.
As I read your dialogue I see that it's not that effective and its bland because the responses and quotations are short and simple and frankly boring. You want to make your quotations effective.A helpful article about effective dialogue from YWS
Your last sentence is a very good last sentence, it leaves me wanting for more.
Overall this work has a nice plotline and a lot of potential if you work on it. I hope that this review helps and as always keep on writing!
-pretzelsing
Hello! My name is Emily and I will be reviewing your work today. So lets get to it, shall we?
First, I want to address your grammar. Your main grammatical problem is the usage of commas. For example,
"That is the type of man, that Robin did not like."
does not require a comma. There were several other places that needed commas. A quick google and a good spell/grammar checking software can fix this. You also need to read through and check for capitalization. There are multiple places where you mix capitalizations of "master", and several sentences that don't begin with a capital letter.
Second is your spelling. A close read can help this too. You often used words that were spelled correctly, but were not the word you meant to use.
For example,
"Robin thought about his town whale they walked."
It should be an easy fix, but you have to remember not to rely too heavily on spell check, because it usually won't catch errors like that.
Now we got the basics out of the way, lets move on to characters. A word of caution, if you are writing about Robin Hood, then you can take one of two routes. You can write him exactly as he is portrayed in the legends, or you can take a completely different approach and make him seem like a totally different (and possibly villanous) charater. Because he is such a well-known figure, you have to choose character traits and stick with them.
That being said, Robin is written well. He has the playful, taking-nothing-seriously attitude that is expected of him. However, I do question whether he would be this playful while escaping the guards. The guards are another problem that needs to be addressed. It seems as if Robin is liege lord of the area, so wouldn't the guards answer to him anyways? Why would he need to trick them? You can solve this by specifying who the guards are loyal to, such as a neighboring rival lord or the king.
Now lets move on to Much. The entire chapter he calls Robin "master" yet he still insults and jokes around with him. Other times he is meek and submissive. I suggest a read through and possibly character profiles to solidify who acts like what.
Finally, (whew) your wordiness. You often use too many words in a sentence, run-on sentences, or sentences that can be omitted all-together. You can edit these out by reading your work out loud and editing at the same time, to help your flow and word choice.
Thanks for making it all the way through, keep writing!
Good job and good luck!