Hi there InuYosha!
I saw your chapter lurking near the back of the Green Room, so I thought I'd come review for you today. Just a fair warning I have not read any of your other chapters, so a lot of my questions might already be answered!
It was Kingsley's own fault that the kid with jet black hair ran off. He's probably going to call the damn police now. Hopefully he doesn't, because I need the other kid.
Right before that kid ran off, Kingsley had met the 'other kid', who was a crying mess. The other kid said his name was Dwayne, but the second kid, of course, didn't introduce himself.
Kingsley knew he was just excited after meeting this 'Dwayne', and got too aggressive when meeting the other kid.
I think Mailicede covered what I was going to say about this, namely that the repetition of "other kid" is a little excessive here. But, one thing that I liked was the part in italics that represents Kingsley's thoughts here, as well as the quotation marks used around "this 'Dwayne'". I'm a new reader, but I feel like the way you've written this part has helped characterize Kingsley already!
And that gold will definitely make his life better than before. Kingsley is sure of it. That's the reason why he does this, and he knows it. Those people are going to get addicted at some point in there lives anyways. It's just a fact of life. If they're are going to start abusing drugs anyway, then why shouldn't Kingsley make some money off of it? There's nothing wrong with that.
Because life is important. He should do anything he can to preserve his life and his life only.
Whoa! Things are ramping up already. Tiny grammar thing here--it should be "their lives". I'm guessing this isn't the main character? I'm seeing a PoV change coming up so if this isn't your typical narrator, I love the way you're getting into his head and way of thinking here. It's really interesting to see the way he absolves himself of guilt and the way his priorities align! And I think it will be more interesting as I get to see the other characters...
Just do it. You know it'll be fine. Alex does it too.
Stop it! You know it's wrong! Don't do it!
Dwayne growls. This is what his life has turned into. The endless bouncing of voices in his head. Every time it gets quiet, his mind goes back to arguing about whether he should take those super-tablets.
"Dwayne, can you hear me?" asks a person whose name Dwayne can't remember. Oh right, he's in school. There's a teacher.
"Yes," replies Dwayne in a monotone voice. He lazily taps his pencil on the desk, not even glancing at Mr. Teacher-whose-name-Dwayne-can't-remember.
I like how this passage begins with a line of thinking that is related to the last passage, so the storyline is clear (even for a new reader!), and then I like also how it solidifies into a current time and place as Dwayne slowly comes back to himself. I think the "Mr. Teacher-whose-name-Dwayne-can't-remember" shows off some humor both in Dwayne's character and in your writing style.
The teacher lets that sink in while the entire class snickers. That's what I hate about teachers. Stupid, stupid teachers.
Oooof. Poor Dwayne. I thought that maybe these lines could have a little more depth to them, or a little description. I'm not sure if it's in Dwayne's character to repeat "stupid" twice as he does here, but I think that stuck out to me as being a little underpowered. Then again, something does seem to be up with Dwayne, so who knows!
Somehow, Dwayne survives the entire class. After class, Dwayne is confronted by . . . someone whose name he can't remember. She seems familiar. I growing old? Why do I keep forgetting names?
"What's wrong with you?" Someone-whose-name-Dwayne-can't-remember raises an eyebrow.
Oh dear, something is happening! aaah I hope he's okay eep!
"Weirdo. Okay, but anyways, my name isn't important. What's important is Alex begged me to keep an eye on you idiots considering he is a grade above you, and I'm in the same class as you, Chris, Spencer, and the Crazy Trio," not-Alexandria-nor-Alexa says.
This is a really brief segment with this character, but it feels strange to have her actively not give her name and state that it isn't important. I think my instinct would be to indignantly give my name in a situation like this before moving on to the important things -- then maybe Dwayne forgets it again a second later.
"Y-yes. I want one of those tablets," says Dwayne, "They're free for the first one right?"
"You are correct," the man hands a small unlabeled container to Dwayne, "I'll be waiting here tomorrow if you want more."
Dwayne stares at the container for a moment and then turns back to ask how much he's supposed to take, but the man is already gone.
oh noooo
Little thing here but did the man (Kingsley?) give him a single tablet or several? In terms of effects I'd think it would take a little while/multiple doses to have an effect (although to be fair I have no idea what kind of drug this is), but in terms of price/the "first one" being free, it would make more sense to have it be a single tablet, with the point being that Dwayne wouldn't need to question the dosage if it's only one.
Alex wants to go somewhere different for his evening stroll, but he seems drawn to the same place he went yesterday. Something tells him that he won't regret it.
He sees Dwayne, just like before, except this time, Dwayne is holding a small container. Dwayne is holding a small container.
Mailicede noted this part already, but I just wanted to say that here as in general you could have some more description. Are they in a neighborhood? City, park? You're very good at jumping right into the action and getting to the key points, but it's also a good idea to linger sometimes and add detail. You don't need entire descriptive paragraphs for sure, but you can just add some little lines of description here and there to spice things up, especially since a lot of your plot is focused on dialogue and thoughts/actions of characters.
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Alex shouts, "I don't take illegal drugs for basketball! That's insane!"
Dwayne sneers, "Sure, you can hide it from me all you want, but I still know the truth."
Dwayne reaches down to pick up the container, when Alex steps on it, crushing everything underneath.
OOF -- conflict!!
"No!" Dwayne screams, and finally, he explodes. He's keeping it away from me! He doesn't want me to be as tall as he is! Dwayne wheels on Alex and brings his fist back for a powerful punch. The punch lands right on Alex's stomach, but Alex doesn't budge.
Dwayne screams and bawls, punching Alex as hard as he can, but Alex stands still.
"Fight back! Fight back, you idiot!" Dwayne shouts. Alex simply places a hand on Dwayne's shoulder.
"I wouldn't punch a teammate," Alex says. Dwayne stares for a moment. He feels the entire world enclosing in on him. Everything he thought he knew began to dissolve.
I really like what you did here. <3 Again, I don't know these characters very well, and I've just barely seen Alex, but immediately I can feel the contrast between Dwayne's bitterness and anger and then Alex's mild statement of "I wouldn't punch a teammate." I absolutely LOVE how calm and gentle he is, it was completely unexpected but it works so well. Nice nice job on this.
Alex smiles, "Let's show them how much of a giant you are on the court."
<3 <3 <3 So wholesome :') I love it
Just a super quick note that you have some minor language (d*** and b****ing) so you might want to give this chapter a 12+ rating based on the Content Ratings Guidelines.
Other than that, really nice job on this chapter! As a first-time reader, I don't know where this fits with your overall plot arc, but I think that you've done a really nice job on this chapter and I like the themes that you're exploring here. Some of your strengths here are your humor, your quick-paced dialogue and action, and your character moments. I'd be happy to review some of your other chapters if you'd like, just let me know! Good luck with you writing, and have a great day!
-Q
Points: 5966
Reviews: 498
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