Published August 3, 2010
Here's a short story I want to share, hope you enjoy it!
My name is Carmine. I awaken on a filthy bed only to be yelled at by my abnoctious master, Walt Worth who abuses me and doesn't give me the feeling of happiness. I wish to find happiness, but how can I find it in this dreadful place? The ceiling is cracked. The walls make a horrible noise as if a ghost is trying to speak to me. I need to find my happiness.
I started my day gathering grain in the fields with a tall and rather skinny woman named Terra. She's very sweet and helps me gather when I don't have the strength to continue. Picking the grain is difficult. I can't manuver around the prickly thorns that slither through the tall grain. Everyday is torture, but this day seems a lot different. I feel happiness as I move west. Walt Worth told us to never move west, but a strong force was pulling me towards the direction. I was being continuously scratched and cut by the prickly thorns. The force was pulling me and I could not stop it. I could feel it pulling me faster and thorns tearing up my legs. I yelled for Terra even though I know Walt Worth will hear me and discipline me for what I have done. Suddenly it stops.
I fall and begin to cry. I thought this was the end. Whatever was pulling me had caused me to get deep gashes in my legs from the thorns. As I look forward, I see a golden glowing stone. This is what was pulling me because I can feel a slight tug from it. As I reach out to touch it, a white beam of light shines from the top and I blackout.
I awaken in a white room. I am dressed in a white robe and I'm lying down on a bed that feels like a cloud. A beautifully dressed woman with long white hair approaches me and tells me, "Welcome to the Lunar." I ask her how I got here and she tells me, "When you touched the Lunar stone, It brought you to the Lunar." She grabs my wrist and escorts me to a glass balcony. When I took a look outside, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A Waterfall that rained crystal clear water. Children that looked my age playing in the pool. A bright sunshine that emited soothing warmth. As well as a plant that had red apples hanging from the branches.
I ask the woman if this is my new home. She nods. I have found my happiness.
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Canary word: Present
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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
You got right to the point and thats most likey a good thing but the detail was good. I liked it.
i thought it was a decent concept. There wasn't much to it though, put some meat on it's bones, dust it off and i'm pretty sure it'll be more enjoyable to read
Yea I didn't put too much thought into the writing. It's sort of like an idea I could use later on. I also didn't know about spelling check and stuff. So basically this is a learning story for practice.
This bit makes your char seem a bit stuck-up as she is blaming her unhappiness on the way the house looks. Is she trying to say that happiness is only found in houses without cracked ceilings? Expand more on this.
Woah big jump. I could have sworn she was waking up a few lines ago, maybe make her go through the entire breakfast ritual.
I dont feel a lot from your char. She speaks quite formally, like I'm reading an essay about a grain picker other than a human being, make us feel her emotions.
Instead of saying you feel happiness show us how you feel happiness. Hence what Ice Princess said.
You just changed tenses in between the paragraph. I also do this so you're not alone.
Again with the pacing, this is going way too fast. Slow down the pacing a bit.
This is too fast. At first maybe explain how you felt waking up, Did you feel groggy, or sick...Tell us!
You just woke up from what seems to be a major blackout. You dont just stand up with such ease. Try and show this in your story
The end seems a bit too flimsy. Your MC just accepts this place as her new home and accepts that there is a lunar stone. And leaves her friend Terra alone in the other world. She questions nothing about this newly found place...this is very odd.
Sum Up.
Your MC could be better developed. There were a lot of holes in the plot. I liked reading it and would like to read more, Lunar seems a bit too good to be true, I thought a slave girl would question it immediately. Who is this old lady?
PM me if you have any questions or query about my review.
Anger
I think you're starting out with an idea in your head. But with idea is something of a climax to your story here and because of it your rushing the story! You could defiantly make this a master piece if you could slow down and not jump to conclusions. Describe more. Be very fluid in these descriptions to give the reader an image that can closely relate your own! I understand it's hard to slow down(Trust me, I have that problem at some points) and when you have this wonderful idea it's even harder! If this is your problem, I would say to listen to Classical or slow music. It helps you think slower too! But you're starting out and everyone gets somewhere. Good luck!
Hey there, IntelligentQuill! iceprincess here to review! Oh, and welcome to YWS!
.For a writer, a spell checker is your best friend! Remember to always run your work through a word processor.
Also, no-one can give you the feeling of happiness! You can only feel happy when you are content. Therefore you should elaborate on what makes Carmine unhappy! Is it her room? Her job? I know you did write about how the ceiling is cracked and the walls make sounds and all, but this isn't enough. Show us, not just tell us! Here's an article on showing vs. telling, and I always refer to this when I write.
You jumped from present tense to past tense here! Try to be more consistent with your tenses, as it is one of the things that make your story flow easier.
I admit, I'm a sucker for details. How did the force pull her? Was it like a strong wind blowing against her? Was it like a string, pulling her towards the west? How did Carmine yell? Was it a terrified yell? Or was it a happy yell? What did you say?
Wait a second. Have you ever slept on a cloud? How do you know it feels like a cloud? Perhaps you should elaborate more.
If it's a secret passageway to a magical land or something, would it be more... carefully hidden?
How very rude of her!
A waterfall doesn't rain water! Also, I don't think this is flowing very well.
How could Carmine be happy? She doesn't know who the woman is, she doesn't know where the heck she is, either. Being born and raised, I assume, in a slave plantation, she would be a very careful and distrustful person. Well, anyone would be quite suspicious when they are suddenly brought to a land that they have never even heard of!
Anyways, I think this could be a much better read if you had put in more details. It has a lot of potential!
Keep writing, and if you have any questions, you can always PM me.
~Rosie =]