**Posting something upon the request of @PaperNessa, I found a challenge to write a story with only dialogue, no tags, nothing. Just words, so here it is…**
“Are you okay?”
“Well, after four and a half lectures, I suppose that is an opinion depending on which side of the speeches you are on.”
“In yours?”
“No. I am very much, not okay.”
“What happened exactly?”
“To me or to them?”
“How about the event in general, perhaps in better terms than just ‘okay,’”
“You brought the word up, not me.”
“Your account of events, we don’t have all day.”
“Very well, the smaller human attempted to take the liquid of my body while the larger human tied an odd rubbery substance around my limb.”
“You can’t be serious, you lit the place on fire because they were trying to take your blood?”
“The liquid of my body is very precious to me, very precious.”
“They were trying to help you, not hurt you.”
“They stuck a rather pointy object into my limb and drew out my life support. I do not believe that that can help in any way, do you?”
“They take your blood so they can test it, idiot.”
“I do not know what that word means.”
“That is probably a good thing.”
“What is?”
“Nevermind. Let’s get you home.”
“Volgatron? But I thought-”
“No, my home, my house. You know, the one you called a “pathetic shack rock that would not stand against the wrath of Kalran.’”
“Oh, that one, yes I do believe- Ouch! What was that for?”
“I’m trying to help you up, not everyone can walk fine after they’ve had their blood taken.”
“You mean the liquid of my body.”
“Yes, the liquid of your body, now let’s go,”
“To where again?”
“Oh for heaven’s sake!”
“What’s that?”
“It's a place people go to once they die, good Lord.”
“Who is he?”
“Okay, that’s it. You are going to stay right here and I am going to go and flag down a cab.”
“You’re going to bring that whole thing here?”
“No, that was a train, I am going to go and get us a car, you stay right here and don’t move. You can even sit down if you like.”
“No I think I prefer to remain standing.”
“Great. Don’t go anywhere, I will be right back.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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That's how I'd feel after having blood drawn...
Overall, I find it to be a well maintained and simple dialogue. it is easy for the reader to grasp without the need any introspection which is no mean feat. however, the setting is not very easy to imagine due to the lack of precise or detailed references to the surroundings or happenings, its hard to imagine whether they are at a University, hospital or some prearranged meeting place, something worth taking into account as setting is fundamental to the 'air' of a dialogue . The mild humour achieved by creating the obvious cultural differences between the two characters is well done and makes the dialogue easy to follow for you can easily differentiate between the two. Overall, I would say that it was well done and needs very little revision.
Thanks for the review! I will definitely see if I can add setting in there. My original fear was that it would sound too plasticky and fake, but I'm sure I will find a way and throw it in there now that you have pointed it out.
Happy Writing!
YES! Thank you. I've heard of this challenge and was planning on posting something later with only the dialogue of one character. This way the reader would have to make up the other character's questions/responses. So it would very much be up to the reader to fill in the gaps. Anyways, I liked this. The characters were developed well. They had their own personalities so I did not get lost in the dialogue.
would be improved with a comma after the word "no." The second is just a content thing. I wish you had somewhat alluded to setting. I had trouble understanding where these characters were. I assumed because of the names they were aliens or futuristic, yet I was unsure. I think adding a comment in the dialogue about their surroundings would be helpful.I have two suggestions and that is all. The first is a grammar thing. The line
Other than that, I enjoyed reading! Thank you for posting on my behalf! Message me anytime if you would like me to post something in your honor.
Best wishes,
Em
Thanks for the review! I will look into adding everything that you pointed out. I am glad that you enjoyed it and I would love to see what you could do with the same dialogue-only challenge.
Happy Writing!
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
This was a really interesting read. You handled the challenge nicely and I could always tell who was talking because of how distinct you made their voices. It was funny how clueless the guy was which made the other guy really agitated. In some ways your dialog reminded me of Sherlock in how he doesn't understand some normal things which really irritates Watson but he's actually really brilliant.
Umm... I didn't really find any nitpicks to touch on except for the fact that these two sentences didn't really make sense to me:
I just found it confusing and what do lectures have to do with anything else in the story?
Anyway, decently realistic dialog, distinct characters, good grammar... You did good with explaining what was happening in the dialog without giving us a laundry list of events. Nice job! Have a nice day and keep writing!
-Lefty
Thanks for the review! By lectures, I meant what usually happens when you do something bad and someone gives you a very long speech about what you did and how horrible it was. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I can totally see Sherlock in this hahaha.
Thanks again, and Happy Writing!
Oh, I see. Thanks for clearing that up.
Heya pretelsing here for a review. I am trying to review many different works outside of my comfort zone so here I am.
First of all, I have to comment that I do like the idea of all dialogue but I personally think that you have to work on building effective dialogue. While this was short and humorous it can be worked on a lot.YWS Article about Effective Dialogue
Here is a nitpick:
I don't think that it is necessary to repeat, my home, and my house twice.It's really just the same thing so you could cross out either of them.
Here is a typo:
Never mind is two separate words.
The new addition that I mentioned I would add that I forgot:
This is a double negative and by accident you are saying that I am okay. If you don't understand what Im saying Here is an article about double negatives
Also throughout this whole story I like how one of the characters were acting dumb the whole time,while the other mature one was trying to guide him/her in the right direction.
Here is a sentence that I think that you could totally rephrase:
This just doesn't flow,look,and sound good. What about if you said: "Heaven is a place of goodness that people go to after they die."
They would make better sense,it's just a suggestion though so you could rephrase it if you wanted to. I also noticed that all of your sentences were short and to the point. I like that style but you could vary your sentence lengths and make some sentences longer or even just make some quotations longer.I have a feeling that this conversation was quick, it maybe took about 2 minutes of something. But you could try and expand it.
Overall, I know that this piece is fun and humorous. I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing!
-pretzelsing
Thanks for the review! I will fix the nitpicks and stuff (thanks for pointing those out). I couldn't figure out how to phrase the seven sentence, but I will fix that too thanks to your suggestion. Also, The length of the dialogues and stuff, I tried to keep them to the point so that it was a little more realistic (at least to me) since most people don't re-explain everything that is going on constantly. But I will look into that as well
Thank so much for your review!
Happy Writing!
*heaven, not seven XD