Published June 7, 2011
He closed his eyes,
Waiting.
Waiting for the memories,
To flood back in.
His hand caressing hers.
Her eyes green as grass.
Her skin always soft,
And smelled simple,
Like roses and honeysuckle.
Memories rush forward,
But one always stands out:
Her body growing cold,
After her heart had stopped.
He opened his eyes
To a world without her.
And to a world that to him,
Held no more beauty.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
great use of describing words! the poem was sad and descriptive. that's my positive comment, my only critique are the constant commas. They make a pause not needed, it almost throws off the poem making it seem choppy. But other than that, well done!
It's sad and beautiful. I liked it so keep writing!
This piece really wants to be intimate. It wants to be about two specific people and their specific journey. But I don't think it is. I think it really REALLY wants to be, by invoking sights of her eyes, the smell of her skin, but it could be almost anyone. Here's what I think might help:
Why not? What does he see in the world that seems ugly? How has it changed? What was beautiful in her and in what ways did she affect his world specifically that's now missing? Like, she used to insist on using chopsticks for her spaghetti and he'd laugh but it always made it more exciting. That's something so specific, you can almost see them at the table. BUT!! this tone is COMPLETELY different from the one you're attempting to capture. You want something soft. It feels universal. It can still feel universal by being locked to us through specific people. But you have to avoid using jarring, hard language like chopsticks or spaghetti. Instead, you might want to talk about the way that her hands moved as she tried to make meals an adventure, engaged in everything that pulled the man in. Did they shake with the chopsticks? Did she click them together at the end? You can find the balance between elegance and specificity, and I think that's what this idea needs.
I hope you can understand what I'm saying. If you have questions, please PM me!
Hannah
Thats a really good poem so much emotion, you can really feel what this guy is going through. And the part where he wakes up to find that the world has no more beauty is a nice touch. Keep up the good work!!! Can't wait to see more of your work!!
keep riting i can see that you've got potential
Awhhh:) I thought that poem was just so good.
It really showed how all the emotions hidden within in the words.
I also like the way you said how he was waiting for the memories to flood back in.
Great job. Keep writing:)
Hello there. This is excellent. Great concept, and well explored. However, a number of critiques (of course).
First, a few small qualms relating to your use of punctuation:
Omit the comma here. It is not needed, and creates an unnatural pause.
"Smelled simple" is the beginning of a constituent. Thus, I would recommend you replace this comma with a stronger punctuation mark; either a colon or semi colon (I personally would use a semi colon).
Omit this comma too. It also creates an unnatural pause.
Similarly with this one.
Secondly, it's only a small thing, but it has a big effect on the piece. The world is in past tense, and the memories are in present tense. This is a very clever and profound technique, bravo. However, you seemed to have mucked it up in one instance:
Perhaps it should read "Her skin is always soft, / And smells simple;" ?
Cheers,
K
awww!!
the poem makes me sad
and that means..
your work was with emotions
keep it up!