Published December 10, 2007
Dave awoke, but didn’t open his eyes. You’re not awake until you open your eyes, he told himself. Just go back to sleep. He couldn’t, though. His consciousness was returning to him, and he took his place in the world again begrudgingly.
When he opened his eyes, he saw a man standing over his bed. Dave’s eyes bulged as the man leaned down. A hooded jersey shadowed his features, but Dave could still see the man place a single finger in front of his lips, gesturing him to be quiet. Dave tried to call out for someone.
Nothing emerged, though; his throat was dry, and it felt as if his airway was blocked.
“Dad!” he managed, and the apparition vanished. Dave breathed a sigh of relief. His father opened the door to his room and came in.
“You finally woke up! It’s nearly tea time!” He grinned, and Dave looked over to his clock. It said that the time was eleven thirty.
“Nearly,” Dave said. “Not quite.”
“True. When you’re up, can you go for a walk to the shop and get us some milk? Me and your mum need it for something we’re making.”
“Sure. You got some money for me?”
The man laughed, and pulled a wallet from the pocket of his jeans. He retrieved a twenty from amongst the TAB tickets the littered it, and gave it to him. “Buy yourself something. I won a hundred bucks off a race. Don’t tell your mum.”
“She knows.”
“She does?”
“She always knows.”
“Ah. She does, too.” The two of them shared a laugh, and then the man left the room.
After Dave had showered and dressed, he left the house and began his walk to the dairy. It was just three blocks away, but he walked slowly, taking in the scenery around him. Listening for footsteps.
He didn’t see anyone, although he had expected to. The streets seemed to be devoid of all life. Not even a single car ventured past him.
Dave kicked at a stone, following it along the footpath as he did, trying to ward off boredom. When he came to the crossing, he looked up and froze.
Sitting on the bench beside the dairy was the man that had been in his room earlier. Dave wondered how people couldn’t remember the man’s face; it had been splashed across the front cover of the newspaper after all. He shuddered as he remembered the dark room where he had sat, alone, for nearly two days. Looking down to his wrists, it felt as though the ropes that had bound him still chafed, but six months had passed, and the man was still yet to be found.
Now, out of the blue, there he was. Casually sitting on the bench, reading a newspaper. How the Hell can he come back here? Dave thought. The police could come round and see him any second!
Dave began to shake again as he remembered the man’s threat. If you try to get away, I’ll come back for you. You and your family. I’ll do them first, and you can watch. He had laughed then, a harsh, wheezing sound.
And now he’s back, Dave thought, to finish what he started. He took a gasping breath.
At the sound of it, the man looked up. He folded his newspaper, put it down in his lap, and beckoned for Dave with one finger.
Dave walked backwards for a few steps until he stumbled, then turned around and sprinted back towards his house. He threw a glance backwards to see if the man was following, but he didn’t move from his place. The newspaper was open again, but Dave knew that he was watching him from over it, and didn’t slow down.
Dave burst through the door to the house and ran to his room, collapsing on the bed. His breathing slowed down as time passed, and when his father came into the room, it was almost back to normal.
He sat down on the other end of the bed and stared at Dave. “Are you all right?”
Dave nearly laughed. I’m the opposite of all right, he thought. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m all right. Why?”
“Kind of obvious that something’s wrong when I send you to go get milk and you come back without it. The bigger hint was that I said you could get something for yourself with my money, and you didn’t do it.” The man smirked.
“Nah, I’m all right. I’ve just got a really bad headache. I thought I was gonna be sick, so I ran back.”
“Feel any better now?” He put a hand to Dave’s forehead.
“Not too bad. I don’t think I’ll be sick, at least.”
“Doesn’t feel too bad. You just stay here. I’ll go get you some Panadol.“
When he came back with two pills and a glass of water, Dave took them. “Thanks,” he said after he had swallowed them.
“No problem. I’ll drive down to the shop now and get the milk. You just stay in bed and rest.”
“Okay. Thanks, Dad.” Dave smiled at him and the man returned it, then left the room.
Dave lay his head down on his pillow and closed his eyes, but he couldn’t sleep. Every time he looked at the clock another half hour had passed. Eventually, he gave up and read a book until his mother called him for dinner.
When he came out of his room, his mother was just putting the plate on the table. “Evening, sleepyhead,” she said. She looked at his hair and rolled her eyes. “Would you do something about that?”
He put a hand to his hair and smiled at the messiness of it. His mother’s smile lifted his spirits, as it always did.
The three of them sat down and for a few seconds Dave breathed in the sweet aroma of the steaming meal. Then he began to eat. The news was on in the background, and as usual, his parents mocked the people from the stories. Dave contributed when they spoke to him, but otherwise he listened. He didn’t want to break the mood, and listening to their jokes never failed to make him feel better.
The meal seemed to be over in the blink of an eye to Dave. Before he even noticed the passing time, it was time for bed. Dave repeated the routine check of his room and found nothing. He wasn’t fooled, though. Vigilance was the key.
He took an old jersey from his bottom drawer and laid it on the floor. “Cindy,” he called. Come here. Come on, girl.” Dave listened to the steady trot of the dog’s footsteps as they come down the hallway and into his room. He bent down to pat her. “Good girl,” he whispered. The dog’s tail wagged and she settled down on the jersey.
Dave smiled at her and stood. He turned the lamp on, letting it bathe the room in its pale glow. After turning the light out, he got into his bed once more, picking up a book from beside his bed. The clock showed the time as eleven thirty, but Dave didn’t stop reading. He was enraptured by the fantasy world he was reading of, so much so that he almost didn’t notice the creaking noises.
They began at one thirty, but Dave closed his eyes against them. He managed to avoid letting the noise seep from his ears to his mind for nearly five minutes, but in the end they caught his thoughts. Laying the book down, the image of the man who made the noises flashed into Dave’s mind. The figure was a constant, even after so long.
He wore tight jeans and a hooded jersey that obscured his features. The sleeves crept down his wrists, but didn’t conceal the rings on his fingers. The creaks were noisy because of his heavy boots. And he was stamping down hard, making enough noise that Dave was sure his family would wake. There was no noise coming from their room apart from the occasional movement from the bed.
Always right outside Dave’s window, so he could peek through any tiny gap in the curtains, into Dave’s eyes. Not that Dave would see anything more than a hint of his face, but he would know. Dave has seen his face once, soon after the man had taken him. His hood had fallen back, and Dave had seen his terrible, skeletal features.
Cindy’ll protect me, he thought, and looked over to her. Indeed, her teeth were bared in a silent growl, but only because she was asleep. She was still, and Dave could almost imagine that she was –
Dead? How? Dave thought. He shook his head, and the thoughts scattered. The man’s raspy voice drifted into his head. “Want me to go away?” it whispered. “Maybe I’ll take your parents. Just say the word.”
“Go away,” he said, and a chuckle sounded in his ears. “Go away!” His father groaned, and Dave realised that he had almost yelled the words.
What if he gets up to see what’s making the noise? Dave shuddered, terrified at the thought, but then one that was worse drifted into his mind. You know that he can’t hear him. You know. Dave stopped thinking.
He realised that the creaking was louder than usual, and he froze, thinking back. Had his mother opened the window at some point during the day? Dave moaned. When he strained his ears to listen, he could hear everything, and he knew the answer to his question. The window was open, and the man was outside.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
I was prepared not to, but I liked this. >.< You people need to stop making me interested in genres other than fantasy.
Ok, grammar...I didn't see any mistakes. This was because I was too busy reading a very absorbing story. The end. If someone else doesn't nit-pick all the grammar issues for you son, then PM me and I'll come back and see if I can find them. ^_^
Plot: Loved it. It's the style I've started using; slowly revealing the story, drawing readers forward. I think you did a great job on the descriptions and the parent-child the relationships seem very realistic.
A few points though:
1) You keep calling his dad 'the man'. Since this is from his perspective, this seems very impersonal. Maybe try 'his dad'?
2)He seems to be haunted by this man, but his parents are obviously unawares. Now, we're not quite sure what happened to this guy just yet, but we get the jist that it was a kidnap kind of thing. His parents do know about that. I was wondering if it would be a bit more realistic for them to be worried about letting him go off alone, even just to the store? Then again, I don't know the parents enough to know if their less than overprotective behavior is just a part of their personality or something else. But keep it in mind, especially with the kid acting so weird, you'd think it would be an alarm for them; what with our jersey villain still on the loose.
As for a name....*thinks* Jersey? Ghost? It's hard to make a good suggestion since I don't know exactly what's going to happen. But something symbolic and short would do.
Good luck!
Okay, just a quick note: “Dave awoke” awoke sounds awkward and odd here, I’d suggest using a simple “woke”. I also love the thought’s running through his head here, totally what I think about when I wake up.
Okay, so Dave is *so* much more relatable right now, he’s grown before my eyes. ^^ Seriously, his thought process seems much more mature, and I can feel his fear and panic much better now, although I think you need to work some more on that.
I can *see* his fear, and I get this little feeling of it, but I can’t immerse myself in it, I can’t look at the page, and read the story and feel the chill go up my back. With a really good thriller you can almost smell the fear radiating from their hyped systems, watch the scene grow darker, or slowly flicker into unreality as they see that one person, sitting far across the street, so inconspicuously in your face that you can’t help but notice him and wonder how fast you could run and how far you’d get before those slender, pale fingers wrap around your neck and yank you back. In other words: I think you want to make your reader want to check the window near them (which I’m sitting next to actually) and make sure they’re all good.
You’re getting there; it just needs a little more work. I think you might want to read though it again and have a look at the conversations and sentence structure a bit. Everything is okay, but I think that Dave and his parents speak a little stiffly, think of how you talk to your parents, or whoever, if they ask you to go to the store, that’s usually all they say right? Such as:
Parent: Can you go to the store and get some milk?
D: Got money? xD
P: haha, sure *hands it over*... know what? Buy something for yourself too...
So on, I think it was the “your mother and I need it for what we’re cooking” – it’s too much info and seemed out of place.
I’m hoping someone will come along and do a more extensive crit for you, you had some grammatical and technical issues in there, but I believe I told you I’d go for a shorter crit this time. xD (if they don’t, I’ll come back)
Luck, Matty.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Okay, now I've given this fist part a complete re-write, and now I need your opinions again. Any help would be much appreciated. My tutor sent this one back and he gave it a mauling. he said it was too vague, melodramatic, etc. So I've taken a completely different go at it. Tell me what you think. I tried to give a little more insight into Dave as a character.
Of course, now I'll be needing a new title. After all, none of it even takes place on a Friday any more.
Thanks.
Thanks for all the crits, everyone.
I just edited most of the stuff you guys said. There might have bee a couple of things I've left out, but there shouldn't be too many. >.<
Alright, let's see what we have here.
Hmm...rewrite? As he slept, they all morphed into a man, dancing around him and mocking him, waiting for him to wake so their torture could begin in earnest. Creepy dream. o_O
That's actually one word.
Choose one or the other.
Make this two sentences. ^_^ The police said they were still searching, but they hadn't found any clues. Of course, what difference would six months make?
You better say "Dave" shook himself, rather than "He." The reader is getting their characters mixed up. Best to clear things up in a subtle manner like here.
Sorry, my parents...
Delete comma. ^_^
This is a bit clunky. Try this: "Oh," Dean said disappointedly. Or somethin' like that, hehe.
Those commas are actually not necessary. (except for the tag!) ^_^
This can be two sentences. A salty taste flowed into his mouth. He put a finger to his lips to find blood trickling down it. (Delete that one comma)
He stared at it for a few seconds before turning away from his friends and walking down the corridor. Sounds smoother.
Nah, no comma. ^_^
Hmm...He was finally outside and moved faster, feeling their eyes drinking in his panic. You had more words than needed, I think. =/
This is actually two separate words. "No one"
Gah, I love these typos.
Delete comma.
I don't think this comma's necessary.
This is usually one sentence. You probably meant to do two sentences. If so, ignore this. ^_^ "Hey, are you all right?"
Repetition's a bit irritating.
Of course Dave thought this. He's the MC.
Yay, more typos! Lol, I always feel like I'm the only one who makes typos and am caught. Feels good to know I'm not alone. ^_^
Delete that comma. ^_^
Try not to start sentences with "and." Turn this into one whole sentence instead. It'll work, I swear. ^_^
Um...I honestly can't make anything of this sentence.
Hmm...but a worse thought drifted into his mind.
Woah, that's creepy.
Other than typos, you're pretty much good to go here. However, a little bit more description would be nice. You did very good here, but there were a couple parts that can definitely be described more. A little description of Dave's appearance would be nice, as well as his friend and dog. How much were he and his father alike? Maybe Dave's face turned pale at the sight of his dead dog. What would he tell his father? Maybe his hands began to sweat, beads of sweat can trickle down his back, or his eyes widen with horror, or his throat goes dry. Maybe his legs began to shake considerably or his heart raced, threatening to pop out of his chest. Get a little creative, make it a bit more creepy. Make the reader hold its breath from the intensity of the story. ^_^
Otherwise, very good! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey Mat.
Ok. I spotted some minor grammar mistakes which you can spot when you proofread. Ok, now I think there needs to be more imagery in this piece. Your descriptions needed to be worded in a more creative way and somehow tie what is around the main character with Dave's personality and his perspective of the conflicts that arise in this piece. With that said, you also need to describe the environment more. The environment that Dave is in can show the reader more about him, adding more depth to his character.
Lack of imagery also has a negative consequence on Dave as a character. Right now, he is quite shallow. I don't know what the hell he looks like, his personality and view point of life. There was some evidence of that but I think you need to define Dave as a character more.
Use his actions to your advantage and how he communicates with people. Link the environment to his actions. Involve it. From there, draw out his feelings with the characters and his environment.
That's all I can say really. Your style is hard to critique and this was the best I could do.
It's very supenseful. You showed how Dave felt well.
Considering how often you use "the man" perhaps capitalising it would be sensible, because it is all we know him by and it then becomes his title.
I like this and love how you left on the cliff hanger. Watch out for the repetition of names and try to describe a little more.
Can't wait for the next bit.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.