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Young Writers Society



The Twin Leopards [Prologue]

by Inquisitor


We are sorry. Inquisitor, Zentillius, and Meshalidar have been suspended due to mendacious and pathetic behavior. Please excuse him.


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Fri Jul 01, 2005 10:19 pm
Rei wrote a review...



I'm not a big fan of this sort of prologue. In this case, it's all right, since I can tell you're going to probably be refering to it later on, but I would much rather know who is reading it than just have the letter on its own.

I thought the voice was a bit too formal. Tone it down a little, perhaps use a few more contractions. Write it in a way that, were this the opening voice-over to a movie, it would be something an actor could speak in a way that you know this is just about how he would sound if he were giving a speach rather than writing a letter.

A few nitpicks:
(1) "malicious teriffs . . . these taxes" Use of those words here makes it kind of sound like you're trying to impress us with your vocabulary, and I think it would sound better if you used "the" rather than "these."
(2) The semicolons here were not used properly and should be replaced with commas. (3) "that our death means" Death needs an S on it because you are refering to two people.





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