An old tire swing,
a white wooden porch.
Sunshine and fresh breezes play.
I see you walk up and run to you.
I hug you and kiss you and hold you tight.
I spin you around and look into your eyes,
gold, green and hazel depths swim.
I sink deeper into your arms.
I can smell you,
your scent drives me crazy.
I can feel you,
the feel of you makes my head spin.
I wish this could be every day of my life.
I wish we could be together forever.
I wish there was a way we could stay like this.
I awake in darkness,
and your not there.
I reach for you and find empty air.
I cry and suddenly I can sense you,
from far away your spirit answers my cries.
My sobs subside, my tears dry,
I know I'll be with you soon.
I go back to sleep and enter my sleeping reality.
But I know I will wake, my waking reality will come.
And you'll be far away again.
I will miss you until I feel you and smell you again.
Until then I will remember my sleeping world.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is truly amazing to me. I love it. writing a story right now that's kind of the same concept. So Like this is just awesome to me!
Keep it up!
I liked the concept, I loved the idea of sleeping heaven....of your sleeping reality, but you didn't do anything with it, instead you just did this cliche love thing that every human being who has ever lived has done, and you didn't do it THAT creatively that it stood out as totally unique. I'm not really a poet, though, so I can't tell you what you should do with it that much; for me, poetry is hit or miss; if it's bad, it's incurable, and if it's good, it's priceless.
Hm, I liked the concept here, however, I think it should be worded differently. "Scent" is a very strange word...to use for describing a person, I think. Something on them could have a scent, but not the person themselves, usually. Try going with fragrance or perfume.
First of all, there are way too many "yous" for one line. And when I think of, "smell" in the context which you used it in, I don't necessarily see it as being a pleasant thing, per se. There has to be another word you can use. Other than that, I loved your concept and I could relate.
Cool poem.
I'll give you critique/compliments stanza by stanza.
First stanza- I love the first two lines! It reminds me of my old house. Agreeing with Firestarter, the last line is a bit awkward.
Second stanza- Where is this person? Where is he/she coming from? Just for your FYI, green hazel and gold depths do not swim. Please clear this up for us.
Third stanza- you use the words 'I' and 'You' way too many times throughout this verse and the rest of the poem. i know, i know, with a poem like this, it's hard not to use those words. But try. It's very clunky and redundant.
Fourth stanza- 'I wish'...Do we really care what this person wants? You haven't given us enough information about this person to have us be able to sympathize. Without telling us his/her story, what's supposed to be heartlfelt and emotional sounds like a four-year-old in FAO Schwartz.
Fifth stanza- second line, it's 'you're', not 'your'. Fourth line should be split into two lines. Otherwise we might skip something important.
Sixth stanza- This verse confuses me so much I can't even begin to get the general idea of it. Not good for the last verse! What is this sleeping reality? Why do you use forms of the word 'sleep' so many times?
I'm sorry, but I gotta be harsh. *lol* Explanation below.
***RESPONSIBILITY OF S.P.E.W.***
I don't really understand this sentence. The verb is a bit confused.
Change one of the realities to another word.
I thought in general the poem was quite good, however it was a bit prosaic and I would prefer more abstraction.
thx i wasnt sure when i wrote that if that was how it should have gone so that is why i asked for ppl to look
I like this. It's really good. Just one teeny thing:
The last line has too many syllables and doesn't flow that good. Maybe "And it makes my head spin?"
Other than that, great poem.