Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
you lay on your back
your eyes, digressing; limp and emptied
as crimson clouds your eyes and vision
~
you cower in my wrath, a shuddering mess;
chipped ice hanging from the cusps of buildings
that shake frightfully in a winter storm. [ you deserve this ]
~
but you ignited the hate that erupted from its magma chamber
and permeated like ash clouds into the softly singing sky. [ you deserve this ]
~
you tickled their throats with your duster
and while yours is closed I will open it
splitting the air, as your last breath rips through the debris
that's suffocating you in the dust of deception
and the light finally flees from your blackened insides… [ you deserve this ]
~
~
- 10 Lit poem and analysis by inmat19
Hello Inmat19,
What drew me to your post was the title. "No one hurt you, so I did"
Wow. What a great way to pull someone in. In my head I'm thinking "oh no, I have to read this. This is going to be juicy." (sorry for the weird word choice). But anyway yeah. Great title!!
Now that I'm done obsessing about the title let's move on to the actual poem. I'm really bad at translating things into what they would be in real life so I definitely need some help.
I was going to say it sounded as if someone was expressing their feelings of killing someone, and then when I went down and read other reviews I saw your comment about it.
What a dark poem. I love it. No matter how weird that sounds I love reading darker things because I think they hold so much emotion. I don't think you need to make the poetry more clear because I think it's good to let your readers figure it out on their own, and also interesting to what kind of things readers come up with! Awesome poetry and I look forward to reading more of you work. Keep it up
-Moonlitwriter
Hey there,
I think the main issue with this is clarity. Like, individually your lines are good and have emotional potential, but I'm struggling to connect them all together to get the benefit of that. What I can tell is that your narrator is angry at someone for something (I'm not sure what) and is killing them (though I'm not sure how). I don't necessarily have to know how they're being killed, but I definitely need to know why in order to feel anything towards the speaker.
Some thoughts on how to fix this:
Hint at what the speaker's victim has done. "you tickled their throats with your duster" is what I'm told, but idk what this means. You cleaned their throats? I think it would be worth just editing this line because it probably makes sense to leave the revelation to the end. That way I would be appalled by the speaker, who is being violent or something, but then I would be forced to question myself because I'd be shown their motivation. This would make me more emotionally conflicted and more engaged in your poem.
Your flow and metre are all fine though. Stanza lengths pretty good. I like the bits in square brackets. Sort of sounds like the speaker is convincing themselves that the victim deserves it.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits 
Kat here to review for you, pardon typos my space-bar is broken.
Okay so I am a tiny bit confused, which isn't always a bad thing. I get that this is someone that the author hates and killed(?) or has gotten what they deserved through some means or another. I really appreciate the bracketed [you deserve this] it not only reinforces your point but it almost feels like the author might be trying to convince themselves that they truly deserved what they got. The third stanza is both my favorite and least favorite, I like how you were trying to contrast the cold day to the burning rage felt by the murderer (?) but that couplet just felt stained to me and hard to comprehend. Also, what do you mean by duster? I think the last line wraps the piece up nicely as it finalizes the hate and brings a sort of closure while also revealing the corrupt nature of the now deceased.
120,193 Literary Works • 649,012 Reviews
Points: 407
Reviews: 7
Donate