Published December 21, 2014
Was it the oceans in the deep blue sea?
Perhaps it was the fire from the torments.
Or was it like an animal rejecting it’s young?
Maybe it was the wild, raging, furious storms.
It even could have been the torments from wild beast.
But how would one ever knew; he took like a hero
Man could not those wild storms,
Perhaps it was because they were the main causes.
No one ever saw the oceans spilled in the late night hours
It was all hidden deep in the brown dirt.
What about the constant struggle to hold on to a rope?
It was almost like a rock climber fighting for his life.
No one saw the bleeding sparrow, attempting to destroy the pain.
Even the closest of the herd never saw.
All battle wounds were hidden.
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hello! I can tell this comes from a very deep place, making it very raw. I find it hard to write poetry from that kind of space, but that is where masterpieces are born. The imagery and the associations are beautiful! I find they have a hard flowing into each other, creating a story. While reading this I felt a few stories were being told, all with no conclusion. You are very talented and your rawness will take you far. My suggestion is to maybe find the anchoring emotion that ties you to this work and run with it! Keep up the amazing work!
Thanks
Hello, darling! Here to review, of course, so let's take a crack at this piece!
To begin with, I have a bit of an issue with the idea that this piece is trying to convey. Your imagery seems to get confused, especially in the middle, and it goes from very natural things to "it was almost like a rock climber" -- not to mention, it goes from interrogative statements to simple, weak descriptions. I actually do have a large issue with the fact that your images are all over the place.
Your images all throughout the piece are really weak, so let's address that first. You start with the "deep blue see" and the "fire from the torments" (hell?), which honestly bring to mind no direct images, and the vagueness is enough to set me to tearing my hair out already. Then there's the phrasing of "wild, raging, furious storms", which is just as vague -- you're calling upon pre-stored images in the reader's brain, which is a weak tactic when you could be telling them about the havoc wreaked by these storms, about the roiling of the grey as it blocks out the sun. You cheapen it by stopping it at "wild, raging, furious".
What. I don't even know what this line is trying to say. Did you skip a word? And why does it refer to man (even in the context of "mankind") when that doesn't even fit with the rest of the poem and you never refer to a specific character with a specific gender except "he took like a hero" -- what's the point of this line? What's the point of the phrase before it? Why are they there, and if they have to be there, why are they conveying no story that fits in with the rest of the lines?
This is another "what" moment. These lines don't seem to fit into the rest of the imagery of the poem, and you don't follow up on the analogy. The word "almost" incredibly cheapens the second line, and the simile itself is just weak.
It's not horrible, but it could use some major improvements. Keep writing!
Thanks
Hello
just..... "Or was it like an animal rejecting it’s young?". . . its. and "No one ever saw the oceans spilled in the late night hours".....'spill'. "But how would one ever knew; he took like a hero". .. . 'know'.
Just like to say that your imagery in this one is good, by all terms. It was good on the part of your personification and animation of natural things to a deeper philosophy, and I salute you to that
It was also a little unclear on "Man could not those wild storms," Could not what?
I hope this helps! Good poem
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
Thanks