The gate to the convent, unlike everything else in the little town of Kyrii, reflected the old Gothic style from the Golden Age. High above a fence, largely concealed by lush pink roses that spilled into the walkway and filled the night air with perfume, the iron twisted into an elegant arch sporting the words, "Saint Maria Faustina's Convent for Mercedarians." The nun worked the simple latch and then swung the gate open on rusty hinges that screamed into the relative silence of the night.
"Please, do come in. We will be happy to have you."
The girl hesitated, then smiled ominously and entered. The woman shut the gate—another noisy affair—and led the way down the long gravel walk in the middle of a well-manured lawn toward the building itself.
"You will be staying here. I…I hope you don't mind."
"We shall see," the girl responded coolly.
"We have a school here; we provide our own meals and work for our hands. There is no need for you to wish to go anywhere else."
The youth narrowed her eyes and sneered. "I know what you are attempting to do. I hope you are aware that it will not work unless I allow it. I can leave whensoever I desire, which may be soon, or it may be never."
The woman nodded. "I do not want to keep you here against your will. I only want to offer you a safe haven where you may receive instruction. We are Sisters of mercy, as you may have noticed from the sign. While most Mercedario’s spend their time going out to the ill and the poor and the unjustly accused, we prefer to bring in the homeless, the needy, and the outcasts. I believe you fall under all three categories."
The girl merely scoffed in reply and then followed her host up the short flight of stairs to the double oak doors.
In addition to all the grey stones and blue-green clay, which was enough in itself to proclaim the honour and esteemed of the establishment, the building proudly displayed the love of its patrons. Each stone had been carefully cut and the mortar meticulously placed. Around the door, a dedicated artist had carved the faces of several saints and created simple scenes on the doors themselves. A small semicircle window, from which fluttered a pale blue curtain, stood guard over the doorway and two blackened lanterns took the place of sentries on either side.
The nun grasped one of the tarnished brass handles and hauled the door open on silent hinges, but not without the muffled protest of wood upon the stone porch. "Now, I will show you your room," she said, "and tomorrow we can go over the general schedule, the rules, et cetera." The woman guided her guest along the dark hallways, sporting strategically placed alcoves for candles, currently unlit, and to a simple wooden door. She held up the lantern and looked her guest over with a frown. "We shall also have to do something about your appearance," she remarked. "It is not exactly fitting for a convent, even one such as ours." In a lighter tone, she added, "But that can wait until tomorrow, also. I suggest you get some sleep, now, because you will be very busy in the morning."
The girl blinked in confusion as her captor politely opened the door to a room that was dimly lit by filtered moonlight. Hesitantly, she stepped inside and closed the door behind her.
The room was characteristically plain. A single bed stood under an east window, draped in modest gingham curtains. Beside the bed, stood a desk and a simple wooden stool. A three-drawer dresser was near the closet, which looked extremely small in comparison to her former accommodations. A hand-woven rug lay in front of the door and a crocheted rug rested at the side of the bed nearest the entry. Two candelabras and several votive candles stood in strategic locations, ready to fill the room with soft light if she wanted it. Finally, at an angle in the corner, there was a small table supporting a large crucifix, two tapered candles, and a small Bible. The girl frowned and glared at the arrangement.
Dropping her bag by the door, she stepped across the room and sat at the head of the bed to looked out at the night sky. She couldn't sleep. She wasn't the least bit tired. The room smelled dusty and she wanted to roam, either in the wide open air of the outdoors or in the long mysterious corridors of the convent, but she resisted both temptations.
"No," she told herself out loud. "If I am to be different from my sister, I must begin now. I cannot fail such a simple thing as this. Surely, greater tests will come later, so I must build my strength now.
"They have rules," she continued, as if speaking her thoughts would help her to understand them better. "I do not know these rules yet, though I shall soon enough, but I am certain they would disapprove of a night-time excursion. Besides, the lady told me to sleep." She glanced down at the moonlight resting across the bed. "Ach! But I cannot. It is only one in the morning. I have at least five more hours before sunrise. How can I sleep, now?"
For a moment more she gazed out at the moon and the stars playing hide-and-seek through fluffy white clouds. The trees swayed in the breeze and their shadows danced across the lawn. She raised the window a few inches so that the thick panes would not muffle the symphony of the night and then, with a sigh, she obediently pulled the covers back and laid her head on the pillow. "At least the sheets smell nice…of sunshine." She lay with her eyes shut, but her mind completely awake.
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I let you get away with some convoluted description before this. Keep it simple.
Firstly, why are you still calling her the girl?! Name her, asap. Secondly, I will spank you if you use 'then' again. XD (It's not your fault really, but the last twelve stories I've reviewed have had the same problem)
Thirdly, why is she smiling ominously? I thought it said nervously at first and approved, but her reactions just aren't normal.
I don't understand why she isn't grateful for being taken in. It's what she wanted to begin with.
Nuns are pragmatic birds, I think you'll find. Stern taskmasters, they usually brook no nonsense. Neither characters reactions and dialogue are right - it should be the opposite way around - the nun dictating the terms if the girl wants to stay, be sheltered and fed; otherwise she can just hop off.
Realistic, believable characters are much more interesting and readable than needlessly bitchy ones I assure you. You might think that her behaving will be boring to read, but it won't - antagonism can and will come in many other forms - unreasonable, overly harsh teachers; annoying and unfriendly girls, etc.
!! *spanks you* Bad! I would phrase it as 'The girl scoffed in reply, following her host up the short flight of stairs to the double oak doors.'
which was, in itself, enough to proclaim the honour and esteem of the establishment
first of all - etcetera - secondly, its a modern phrase. Nix it. If you want to summarise it say something like 'and things of that nature'
Nix the speech marks over "They - continuing speech doesn't require it.
**
Er, don't know how I feel about the whole-speaking-to-self thing, but this was a better chapter than the previous, even though it was less grandiose. You are a really good writer for someone your age and its really promising, given the gradual decline of literacy among youth (seriously, I was one of the judges for the Sydney Morning Herald's 'Write Now' contest - thousands of entries from the kids all over Australia showing appalling literacy). Really, you're years ahead.
Still got plenty of work ahead of you.
You need to immediately name the protaganist. And if you insist on her being unreasonably rude and ungrateful, be sure to at least have someone knock some sense into her later.
That's all for now,
Cheers
hello again..
i'm really enjoying this story..
i love your style, hiding the girl's identity..i think it will be so hard to address someone like, "the girl", but still her character invokes maturity although she's only fourteen.
is there a third part?..
Silvery Whispers..nice title.may i ask where'd you get the idea?
watch out for me again...SOON.
god bless.
Use a different word beside "simple". It works against the flow of your story.
This is awkward. I would try to reword it some how. Maybe like: She lay with her eyes shut, but her mind was alive with activity.
~ ~ ~
I liked this again. A good continuation.
My only question is this: At first, the girl said that the nun was a fool to let her stay with her... and yet, the girl goes with her anyway? It seems to me the girl doesn't want to be there, so why would she stay?
Also, we have yet to know your MC's name. In the first part, it didn't bother me much, but this time, it did. It would be nice to know, instead of just calling her girl
Otherwise, another good read.
Keep up with those amazing descriptions
Hey there Inkboy, I'm back.
Maybe give an example to back up what you're saying.
Again, don't over-describe. Why not just say that it screeched open? The audience will still be able to image it "screaming loud even that it echos through the night".
Sporting? You sure that's the right word to use here?
Nix "characteristically". If it's plain, then it's pretty obvious that it will tell something about their character.
Why did you use the word "strategic"? This isn't urban warfare, it's just illumination for a room; there's no strategy behind it. Nix it.
Overall impressions:
This seemed to be better executed than the first part. The descriptions are a bit more tamed and there seems to be a better flow in the piece. Overall, it was pretty decent, but needs much more meat to it. Here are some of my suggestions:
1) I think you should show more of what happens inside this little sanctuary. It seems quite devoid and bland. It's like you haven't really made an effort to flesh it out. Showing more as to what happens inside will allow for internal (and external conflict). Right now, there doesn't seem to be much conflict in the narrative to really make your reader want to know what's gonna happen next. Showing more of a place is also useful in portraying certain ideas or themes. For example: A sanctuary where there's much effort in protecting themselves from vampires and other monsters will create a different impression than one without the protection. Show more of what's happening inside so that we as the audience can get a better hold of the situation at hand.
2) Why did the nun take the girl in? There seems to be quite a time gap from the first part and the second part. The consequence of that is that it seems as though the nun just randomly took her in. You might want to show the motivations as to why the nun did what she did.
3) There needs to be more emotions and thoughts in the piece. Isn't the girl scared that she's taken in? If she isn't, why isn't she scared? You need to show more of it. What you have is only descriptions and actions, but there isn't any emotional attachment to what's happening by the characters to actually make the audience care for what's happening.
Hope this critique has helped. Good luck.
Andy.
Thanks guys, I'm currently working on the Sixth chapter so hopefuly I can get Three, Four, and Five up after I have got them proofread..
I think that this should possibly be changed, maybe to "whenever I so desire".
Instead of just grouping it all together as one word. For anything else I believe denj covered it. And I also have to agree, this was a very good chapter- alot of descriptions, please dont ever skimp on these. They are your bread and butter of a story!
I hope to read the next installment soon!
Once again, very nice job, but a few more mistakes this time.
Since I believe you are referring to the plural "Mercedarios," you don't need the apostrophe in "Mercedario's," because that makes it possessive.
This sentence is a bit hard to follow, as it sounds like the nun is carrying the candles, not the hall. You should also eliminate the "and" before "to a simple wooden door."
That's about all I found error-wise. Now for the positive stuff!
As in Part 1, you did a great job with describing the setting and characters. The plot was enthralling and held my attention. Awesome! I can't wait for more!
Once again, very nice job, but a few more mistakes this time.
Since I believe you are referring to the plural "Mercedarios," you don't need the apostrophe in "Mercedario's," because that makes it possessive.
This sentence is a bit hard to follow, as it sounds like the nun is carrying the candles, not the hall. You should also eliminate the "and" before "to a simple wooden door."