Silvery Whispers - Part One

The moon peeked her head through a break in the thick ominous clouds to shine her silver light over the forested land below. For miles, the land lay in gently rolling hills covered in a mottled mixture of hardwoods and pines, glittering like so much tinsel and confetti in the night. Little hamlets and towns carved flat, shadowy circles in the virgin timber, causing it to look like a dog with a mild case of mange. Ribbons of dusty road sprang up and disappeared in the underbrush, connecting each village with the next, with the distant cities, and, ultimately, with a dark and shrouded land known as the Region of Vampires. Clouds as thick as thunderheads forever clung to the upper level of the Region, blocking out the light of the moon and the sun, but seldom dropping rain or filling the air with a humidity that brought forth the earthy fragrances of rotting vegetation. The forest beneath was overgrown with sickly flora, striving to grow ever taller and larger in order to grasp and hold the one sliver of light that might escape the stranglehold in the heavens. Though large and forbidding, the trees were slowly suffocating, casting their branches and leaves onto an already well-padded forest floor while all around the Region, as if to keep the inhabitants in and the travellers out, grew an impenetrable wall of long thorny brush.

In the outer ring of the Noble's land, near the edge, a young girl lay prostrate on her stomach while the wind blew softly through her short ebony hair and tickled her paper white cheek with a few loose strands. With her head resting on the backs of her palms, she looked out over the cliff at the dark world below and the occasional lamp that winked up at her through the trees. All the residents had returned home for the night and were either cleaning up the last of the supper dishes or were relaxing for the evening and indulging in restful hobbies.

From the shadows, the ditches, and the flora, the trill of the crickets and the chant of the peepers drifted up to her, accompanied by the hum of the bullfrogs. Somewhere far away a wolf sang a mournful aria. Moments later, his mate provided a descant. A flock of whippoorwills serenaded the countryside with a ballad and a pack of coyotes yodelled as they ran. A lone owl intoned a lilting base line, keeping the beat of the symphony and harmonising each individual voice.

There under the eerie cloud of the Region, no one sang.

Though her ruby eyes drank in the peaceful scene below and her ears consumed Nature's lullaby, there was turmoil in her head. The painful memory of a recent conversation with her sister and mother returned to haunt her.

"What is wrong with you? Why does the idea even begin to appal you? It is the natural way! It's what we do, what we have always done for centuries, what makes us who we are!"

"Darla, leave her be. She's young yet. She'll come around in a few days."

"Was I ever like that? Was I ever that disgustingly...soft-hearted?"

The girl cast a sad eye over the dark rooftops, looking for something to distract her. Every building, whether home or business, was constructed of the same materials as its neighbour. Thatch, bound together with ropes fashioned from straw or cloth, formed the leaky roofs. Rough-hewn logs cleared from the very area on which the building stood formed the drafty walls. Though some of the houses were larger than others and some reflected the individual creativity of its owner, three of the buildings stood out as grander than all the others. These three, the local convent, the orphanage, and a two-story residence, displayed the same thatch roofing. However, instead of wooden walls, they sported the grey stones and blue-green clay that were found in abundance in the graveyard.

Yet, as luxurious as these sturdy buildings might seem to their neighbours, they could not compare to the grandeur of her mother's house.

The memory of the conversation would not leave her as it played itself over and over in her head until she sighed in gloomy depression.

"Is that it, Darla?" she whispered to herself. "I'm going against the laws of nature? I'm disgustingly soft-hearted? Then so be it! Far be it for me to ever be so cruel! I won't! I won't!"

With a determined frown, the fourteen-year-old girl stood up and cast a final glance back at her mother's house hidden among the lofty poplars and oaks. Though modest in comparison to many of the dwellings in the Region, the brick walls and tiled roof were a strong contrast to the humble homes below. Even without the artistic lines and colours of the brick and the dormer windows peeking through the thickly woven ivy, the building would have been a mansion if it had been constructed in the little town of Kyrii.

With a heavy heart, she picked up her rough-leather travelling bag, bid her home a silent good-bye and carefully walked down the steep path, strewn with tiny pebbles.

At the edge of the forest, where the land levelled out and the brush grew especially thick, climbing up the trunks of the outer trees to touch the lower foliage and form an imposing wall, a short, thin oval of light hung over the path.

The girl brushed the vines and thorns aside with her bare arms, unmindful to the many tears and scratches that she received in protest.

Once free of the imprisoning brush, she stood tall and looked across the span of open field to the sleepy town before her. Where she was going or what she was going to do when she got there, she did not know. All she knew was that she must get to the town and seek whatever haven she could find from the Region. With purposeful steps, she walked down the overgrown path, enjoying the cool breeze that played with her hair and threatened to lift the edge of her skirt.

Finally, she reached the first building. Already, the occupants had gone to bed, leaving the shutters securely latched against the glassless windows. She placed her white hand on the splintered wood, noting how the rough texture tingled her palm as she ran it down the length of the building. Any slivers that dared imbed themselves in her skin would be ejected before she had a chance to truly realise they were there. Turning the corner, she came to the front of the building where, over the door in hand-carved letters, were the words, "Last-Stop General Store".

"So primitive," she whispered to herself. "So…barbaric!"

Beside the general store was a feed lot that boasted the best quality horse and cattle supplies. Then came a fabric store, a very small jewellery store, and a little sandwich shop. The rest of the buildings sat back a little ways from the dirt road to make room for the cracked sidewalk that tried its hardest to cling to the Golden Days when all its pieces were connected and chunks were not missing in various places. With a heavy sigh, the girl leaned against the corner of the buildings and slowly slid down until she was seated on the cold, damp concrete. She propped her arm on her raised knee and waited, but for what, she knew not.

After many long minutes, a shaky light began to travel down the road, accompanied by slow, steady footsteps. The girl groaned inwardly, wishing only to be left alone. She nearly stood to leave, but at the last second, decided to remain and see what would transpire.

Presently, the light stopped and a pair of very worn, leather shoes, covered in dust, pointed toward her.

"Child, are you alright?" a soft voice inquired.

The girl looked up into the nun's hooded face, ghastly lit by a lantern that was blackened with years of use. Around her neck hung a small silver crucifix and in her left hand she held a leather-bound Bible. The girl dropped her gaze and leaned further into the corner of the damp wall, not saying anything.

The woman stood still, perplexed. After a moment's consideration, she knelt down beside the girl and, setting the lantern on the packed dirt, she extended her hand as an offering of assistance. The girl stared at the gloved hand until it became necessary for her to make some sort of response. Then she pulled her knees up under her chin and gazed down the long broken sidewalk.

"Are you lost?" the nun asked, in a quiet tone.

After a long moment, the girl merely shrugged her bare shoulders.

"Well…"

"Leave me, please," the youth pleaded, her voice betraying the fear within.

The woman frowned. Her foundling wore only a black sleeveless top, which barely met the waistline of an airy miniskirt. The chilly night air fluttered the girl's short black hair before it whipped around her naked arms to her bare legs and teased the loops of her shoelaces.

"But I can't leave you here," the nun finally objected. "It's just not right. No woman should leave a young girl in the street at night."

The youth looked up with offended pride in her eyes and a demeaning sneer on her lips. "And pray, where do you propose to take me?"

Startled at how quickly the former hints of helplessness and loneliness transformed into cold arrogance, the nun drew her hand back and settled a little more firmly on her heels. "Is there some place that you would like to go?" she asked, testily.

In reply, the girl dropped her brave front and turned her face to the dark wooden wall, attempting to shut out the world around her. A gentle hand rested on her shoulder only to fly away when she flinched sharply. She hoped the lantern would rise with a muffled scrape on the sandy road, but it's light shown steadily, the oily smoke continued to tickle her nose, and the woman's even breathing never changed. The leather shoes never stirred and the hem of the black habit remained just inside her field of vision.

Then the soft voice spoke again. "I can take you to my house, if there is nowhere else you want to go."

The girl looked up in surprise and began to laugh a sinister, hollow laugh. "You would do that?" she asked, raising a haughty eyebrow.

"Maybe."

The youthful chin lowered and vicious red eyes peered up at her from beneath dark brows. "Madáme," the child began in a cold tone, "pardon me for saying, but you are a fool!"

Comments & reviews · 13
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Inksplatter
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Thanks for your reviews everyone! :) I really apreciate it

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Jiggity
Review
Jiggity wrote a review · Sat Dec 06, 2008 9:46 am

Hola, Inky!

The Curse of the Verbose

The moon peeked her head through [s]a break in[/s] the thick ominous clouds to shine [s]her silver light[/s] over the forested land below


Ah, vocabulary. We do like to use it a lot, don't we? Problem is, most of the time one or two words will do just as well as ten or twelve. Quality, not quantity of description, is what you want to achieve.

'The moon peeked her head through the thick ominous clouds, to shine over the forested land below.'

Reads a lot easier, don't it? It's the first sentence. Remember: the objective is to make us want to keep going and so pass it by as quickly as possible. The silver light remark is redundant really - I mean what other colour is moonlight going to be? Purple?

Little hamlets and towns carved flat, shadowy circles in the virgin timber,[s] causing it to look like a dog with a mild case of mange. [/s]


I'm not a fan of the use of similes in these stories - I mean, the general use of it okay, here in particular it is not. Why? Because you have two distinctly different images here, that you're likening to one another. The effect? The initial description you tried to get across is weakened because of the rather pointlessly distracting image of a mangy mutt.

Also 'causing it to' is just icky. Shouldn't be used, methinks.

Ribbons of dusty road sprang up and disappeared in the underbrush, connecting each village with the next, with the distant cities, and, ultimately, with a dark and shrouded land known as the Region of Vampires


Ashleylee has it right, as regards this sentence. It is - like most of the sentences herein - too long and complicated. Quite aside from the awkward sentence structure, it just doesn't make sense (On a side note: I defy you to read some of these long sentences without pausing for breath). There are a number of possible modifications:

'Ribbons of dusty road sprang up and disappeared in the underbrush, connecting each village with the next, leading to distant cities and ultimately, to a dark and shrouded land known as the Region of Vampires'

Even then, its still a mouthful. A couple things that just occurred to me: a) how does a road spring up exactly? and b) if the narrator already knows the name of the place why is it first referred to as a 'dark and shrouded land'?

Also, as regards the name - I think its odd, compared to the distinct tone and style of the piece to so bluntly name an area after its inhabitants. Why isn't the town called "Area of Humans?" or the forest "Here There Be Bears?" I would have thought something like "Valley of Blood" would have fit better. Having said that, it would have been cheesy and cliche if you had named it that. So - my suggestion is to give it a normal name like you did the town.

Clouds as thick as thunderheads forever clung to the upper level of the Region, blocking out the light of the moon and the sun,[s] but seldom dropping rain or filling the air with a humidity that brought forth the earthy fragrances of rotting vegetation.[/s]


Why are you telling us what it seldom or never does? Of what possible relevance could that be? Why not tell us what the characters didn't do, what they didn't eat, what they didn't say to one another? There's no point, that's why. Of course, its always good to know the details about the landscape but you should only give us the bits that are relevant. Keep the rest to yourself until we need to know it.

The forest beneath was overgrown with sickly flora, striving to grow ever taller and larger in order to grasp and hold the one sliver of light that[s] might [/s]escape the stranglehold in the heavens.


Again with the possibilities. 'and hold the silver of light that escaped the stranglehold in the heavens'

Though large and forbidding, the trees were slowly suffocating, casting their branches and leaves onto an already well-padded forest floor while all around the Region, as if to keep the inhabitants in and the travellers out, grew an impenetrable wall of long thorny brush.


Alright, break it up, nothing to see here folks. -- Small, manageable chunks, okay? This needs to be cut up.

Though large and forbidding, the trees were slowly suffocating, casting their branches and leaves onto an already well-padded forest floor. All around the Region, as if to keep the inhabitants and the travellers out, grew an impenetrable wall of long thorny bushes


Or you could rephrase it altogether, either way, it needs changing.

In the outer ring of the Noble's land, near the edge, a young girl lay prostrate on her stomach while the wind blew softly through her short ebony hair and tickled her paper white cheek with a few loose strands


Finally, the protagonist! It's a lovely image. *romantic sigh* But Squall is right, why not just leave it at 'lay prostrate on her stomach'. Now, this might hurt so take a seat, but I'm of the opinion that everything that came before this moment could be cut. Or at least rearranged. This is your protagonist here! Start with her, and what she's thinking and if she's the one viewing it all then place all that hunky dorey description afterward.

But considering she's the vampire, I don't think she's the one responsible for the description. You are, there, being the omniscient narrator; afterward we switch into her POV. Best to just start with her POV.

"What is wrong with you? Why does the idea even begin to appal you? It is the natural way! It's what we do, what we have always done for centuries, what makes us who we are!"


First off, its spelled 'appall' - second off, that whole line, in my opinion, was no good. The 'why does it even begin to appall you?' bit, that is, should be scrapped.

At the edge of the forest, where the land levelled out and the brush grew especially thick, climbing up the trunks of the outer trees to touch the lower foliage and form an imposing wall, a short, thin oval of light hung over the path.


I keep trying to eat this yummy description, but you keep force-feeding me. It's too much, too heavy, too long. My suggestion:

At the edge of the forest, the land leveled out and the brush grew especially thick, climbing up the trunks of the outer trees to touch the lower foliage. It formed an imposing wall, over which a short, thin oval of light hung.


"So primitive," she whispered to herself. "So…barbaric!"


Ew. Delete it. That is...not good dialogue, haha. Maybe it could work as a thought, but speech? It's oddly formal for a teenager, even a vampiric one.

Then came a fabric store, a very small jewellery store, and a little sandwich shop.


I despise the use of the word 'then.' I well and truly do. it has no place in good storytelling.

The girl groaned inwardly, wishing only to be left alone


what? I thought she came seeking haven? Contradictory, that is.

Presently, the light stopped and a pair of very worn, leather shoes, covered in dust, pointed toward her.


You're scandalous affair with the comma needs to end, boy. It's just not seemly. And, quite obviously, things just aren't working out. :wink:

Also, scratch 'Presently' - story is told in past tense. I suggest:

The light stopped and a pair of dusty leather shoes pointed toward her


Okay, I'll leave it here for now - come back later when you're ready.

Then she pulled her knees up under her chin and gazed down the long broken sidewalk.


Ack! Don't use 'then'! It adds nothing to the story or to the sentence; it is a completely useless word!

The youth looked up with offended pride in her eyes and a demeaning sneer on her lips. "And pray, where do you propose to take me?"
Startled at how quickly the former hints of helplessness and loneliness transformed into cold arrogance, the nun drew her hand back and settled a little more firmly on her heels. "Is there some place that you would like to go?" she asked, testily.
In reply, the girl dropped her brave front and turned her face to the dark wooden wall, attempting to shut out the world around her


Holy Instantaneous Emotions, Batman! Let's see the range we've got here, of feelings and expressions - offended pride, demeaning sneer; helplessness and loneliness; cold arrogance and brave fronts - so quickly raised and lowered.

So, she leaves home, yes? She needs shelter, agreed? Why this confusing array of emotions and reactions? I mean in and of themselves, its okay - makes sense for her to be confused, right? Problem is its written as though its normal. You need to show that she's confused and unsure of how to feel/react.

**

A general note of my impression of the story: It's overwritten, to put it mildly. You don't so much shove our faces in the description as beat it over our heads with a mallet. Not cool. Background description - i.e the kind that isn't directly relevant to the character, should be well spread out, so as to be unnoticeable. For instance, if the character is walking along the path, then you may describe the path and we won't be focused on that description because we will be following the motion of the character.

The reader should be following the action of the story, of the protagonist, and the description should help colour the picture. It should not be the picture. Can you see, from this, the problem with your opening paragraphs? There is no action. It's solid description, which even when well done, can be a bit of a chore getting through - not something you want in the opening chapter, as its meant to be the hook that drags the reader in.

I think you're a talented writer and you have great descriptive ability but you over-kill it here and the story drags for quite a bit. Keep an eye on odd character reactions as well - she flip flops quite a bit at the end.

Also, you should be aware of your target audience - namely, other young teenagers. The formal tone of the piece and the --- oh my god, I just realised you didn't even name her! All of that piece and not one mention of her name?! -- girl''s tone might be a bit of turn off. If she's going to be all haughty-taughty now, make sure you keep it consistent throughout the piece. I would warn you not to be overly mysterious with the piece as well. Keep it balanced.

Hope that helps,
Cheers

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telle_04
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hello...

wow..very nice.

wordy, though, but i've mentioned that i love wordy stories. i love how you describe the forest, the eerie place, and especially the girl.

the girl (is she Darla?) is very mysterious and emotional..i can feel her restrain.she does not want to live like a vampire, right?.but there's no choice, because once you've become a vampire, whether you like it or not you have to kill in order to live.

i think you will make a good writer someday.

god bless.

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archer123
Review

It was very well written. It was described well and you could picture the scenery in your. I think you do need to go back over it to check your spelling in some places, but other than that I thought it was wonderful!! :D

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ashleylee
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Ribbons of dusty road sprang up and disappeared in the underbrush, connecting each village with the next, with the distant cities, and, ultimately, with a dark and shrouded land known as the Region of Vampires.


This is a really complicated sentence. Try to break it up, maybe like: Ribbons of dusty road sprang up and disappeared in the underbrush, connecting each village with the next. It flowed into distant cities, and than ultimately, into a dark and shrouded land known as the Region of Vampires.

A flock of whippoorwills serenaded the countryside with a ballad and a pack of coyotes yodelled as they ran.


I don't like the use of "yodelled" here. It ruins the mysterious mood you are creating. I would use something different.

Rough-hewn logs cleared from the very area on which the building stood formed the drafty walls.


This is another complicated sentence. Cut it up just a little, and that will help with the flow.

"Madáme," the child began in a cold tone, "pardon me for saying, but you are a fool!"


I wouldn't use a exclaimation point at the end here, just because it ruins the moment you have created. A period words better.

~ ~ ~

Wow, I must praise you immensely on your style of writing. This piece was so descriptive, I had to read slowly just so could take everything it. Which was great :D I love when people use description to their full advangtage. And it doesn't take away from the story at all.

Very interesting start. Enjoyable and easy to follow.

I think I will have to continue on :wink:

Keep Writing!

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Inksplatter
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Thanks guys :)

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Xena
Review
Xena wrote a review · Thu Nov 27, 2008 4:20 am

I dont know... yea it was a lot of description... and i do my share of describing... but it all just said the same thing. not that all of it wasnt good.. ps i love the "region of vampires" name... like alot of the describing stuff was really confusing, i kept trying to create the image you were telling me, but in the end it just looked like a dark village, with a few trees, the kind you would see in a vampire movie... so goal i achieved i guess... but could have been much shorter, also.... by time i got to the story, my brain was so tired from imagining, i hardly felt like reading the story... but the first comment.. about the no comma after the ask... i say dont listen to him. either way is right, its a matter of style really! so to say that it is a mistake is heresy!

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Mikkah Review
Mikkah wrote a review · Thu Nov 27, 2008 1:52 am

I really liked it, although at the beginning I did hesitate to read it because of the amount of description. =/ I'm not much of a fan of description, myself (I know I know, and I call myself a writer. x3)

But other than the mass amounts of description, I enjoyed it. Better than a lot of other stuff I've read. =) I'll probably continue reading it.

I couldn't really find much to complain about besides the description at the beginning, which was kind of boring from a reader's perspective but otherwise it was good.

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Inksplatter
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Thank-you so much guys :)
And Squal, thank you for taking the time to write such a long reply, I honestly appreciate it.
Friend requests for all! :D Lol

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Squall
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Squall wrote a review · Wed Nov 26, 2008 3:14 am

Hi there Inksplatter, and welcome to YWS. What do you think of it so far? Anyways, I printed this out during lunch and read it while waiting for my noodles to arrive lol. Here is what I've written on it:

For miles, the land lay in gently rolling hills covered in a mottled mixture of hardwoods and pines, glittering like so much tinsel and confetti in the night.


So much tinsel and confetti in the night? Does that even make sense?

Little hamlets and towns carved flat, shadowy circles in the virgin timber, causing it to look like a dog with a mild case of mange.


Your use of the word "virgin" seems awkward. It doesn't really fit well with the context that it's placed in. The simile also doesn't make sense and doesn't follow through well with the description.

Ribbons of dusty road sprang up and disappeared in the underbrush, connecting each village with the next, with the distant cities, and, ultimately, with a dark and shrouded land known as the Region of Vampires.


Region of vampires? Why give such a blatant name to a location in your fantasy?

Clouds as thick as thunderheads forever clung to the upper level of the Region, blocking out the light of the moon and the sun, but seldom dropping rain or filling the air with a humidity that brought forth the earthy fragrances of rotting vegetation.


Clouds and thunderheads are pretty much the same thing. Why not just say "Thunderheads forever clung etc etc?" It's much cleaner. Also, you might want to rephrase "blocking out the light of the moon and sun." It sounds like as though both the sun and moon is out in the sky (which is utter nonsense unless there's a good reason for it).

In the outer ring of the Noble's land, near the edge, a young girl lay prostrate on her stomach while the wind blew softly through her short ebony hair and tickled her paper white cheek with a few loose strands.


Why not say "a young girl laid"?

From the shadows, the ditches, and the flora, the trill of the crickets and the chant of the peepers drifted up to her, accompanied by the hum of the bullfrogs. Somewhere far away a wolf sang a mournful aria. Moments later, his mate provided a descant. A flock of whippoorwills serenaded the countryside with a ballad and a pack of coyotes yodelled as they ran. A lone owl intoned a lilting base line, keeping the beat of the symphony and harmonising each individual voice.


You went from describing your main character to some random wolf? Why should we care about this upstart wolf? What purpose does it have with the story?

Though her ruby eyes drank in the peaceful scene below and her ears consumed Nature's lullaby, there was turmoil in her head. The painful memory of a recent conversation with her sister and mother returned to haunt her.


Drank in the peaceful scene? I'm sorry, but eyes do not function like a mouth does.

"What is wrong with you? Why does the idea even begin to appal you? It is the natural way! It's what we do, what we have always done for centuries, what makes us who we are!"


This dialogue struck me as kind of pretentious, making it unrealistic. We do not have a right to question as to what is natural or not; that is beyond us. Though your character may not be human, it makes her seem exaggerated and glorified by the author. This in turn will repulse the audience as they may question as to what right she has to dwell in such matters.

"So primitive," she whispered to herself. "So…barbaric!"


Come on...would you be saying that if you were standing outside a building? Do you know anyone that would say that? It just seems retarded, no offense.

The memory of the conversation would not leave her as it played itself over and over in her head until she sighed in gloomy depression.


Why is this memory so potent within her?

The youthful chin lowered and vicious red eyes peered up at her from beneath dark brows. "Madáme," the child began in a cold tone, "pardon me for saying, but you are a fool!"


This is weak. When the nun was introduced, she seemed kind of gloomy, but then suddenly she becomes a hell raiser? This is also unrealistic as there doesn't seem to be a transition or driving factor that explains this sudden change. It just...randomly happens.

Overall impressions:

You have a good setup and solid foundation for the piece, but there are some issues that you might want to address. Firstly, the piece is over descriptive to the point that I want to use the technical term "purple prose." If you do not know what it is, then here's the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose

The flaws of purple prose is that 1) It makes the piece flow roughly and slowly which can potentially bore the reader 2) It makes the writing seem pretentious to the reader which can repulse them from reading your piece and 3) Why waste words describing something so excessively that the reader goes "OK! I get it!".

While I'm talking about the descriptions of the piece, I should also mention that it seems rather mechanical and forced. It doesn't really flow naturally with what's happening, it just cuts from describing one aspect to another. Some of it is really irrelevant. For example: Why should I care about the shops? What about the forest? What is so important about it that it merits so much description? If you are trying to build suspense, it would be more effective if it is achieved through dialogue and actions. Not much really happened in the piece mind you. It was just the main character encountering some nun and then attacking her. Yea, why should I keep reading your novel if there isn't anything else for me to be interested in?

Your character is also a bit unrealistic. At fourteen years old, she's questioning as to what's natural or not and trying to act all grown up? Would a normal fourteen year old do that? It's like you are trying to make her super special and appealing to the audience by making her seem grown up and able to handle herself. It doesn't, it's just awkward and makes her hard to relate to. The changes in her personality is also rather sudden. She goes from being moody to being all demonic-like at the end. And this comes from where? Heck, I don't even know why she's even out in the first place.

Hopefully, my critique has helped you out. It is decent, but I think you could had done better by having more action and more conflict between the nun and the girl rather than having a flood of descriptions. You might also want to consider making your main character more realistic (or at least try to justify her actions and thoughts).

Good luck.
Andy.

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Leapy
Review
Leapy wrote a review · Tue Nov 25, 2008 5:19 pm

I will agree with denj and CaitE that this was a very well written piece. The only thing that stuck out to me as odd was this:

From the shadows, the ditches, and the flora, the trill of the crickets and the chant of the peepers drifted up to her, accompanied by the hum of the bullfrogs.


It seems alittle odd, maybe too many commas, or the fact that you incorporate the ditches and flora drifted up to her with all the sounds. Just seems kinda... out of place.

None-the-less I will keep reading ^_^

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CaitE Baloney
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That was awesome I have not read anything like that on this cite. All I can say is wow. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Keep up the great work

Cait

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denj
Review
denj wrote a review · Tue Nov 25, 2008 2:06 pm

Wow! This is truly one of the best pieces of writing, if not the best, that I've read so far on YWS. Before I continue to shower you with praise, however, there was but one mistake I would like to point out.

"Is there some place that you would like to go?" she asked, testily.


The error here, very minor, is that you don't need a comma after "asked," so instead, it should say, "she asked testily."

All right, now back to the good stuff!

As I said previously, this is an incredible work you have here. Your descriptions of both character and setting are flawlessly perfect, better, even, than quite a few published works I've read. You've created an interesting character in Darla, who is, I'm guessing, a newly-created vampire who finds the prospect of feeding upon human blood disgusting and barbaric.

I can't wait to read part two! Awesome job! :D



“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author