Published January 8, 2010
I was sitting on a bench in the hospital, it was a cupple of minutes to one in the morning and I had over heard a nurse saying what room Jack was in. I wiped my jeans with my hands as I stared at the clock above Jack's room. No one made eye contact with me, no one was noticing me. Suddenly there was a beep, I looked above the door of the room and a sign with a read light on it saying "Open for visiters" had illuminated. It was my chance to see Jack and see if he was ok.I took the slow steps to the room, I reached out and pushed door gently which swung open.
" I didnt even push it that hard." I thought.
I walked into the poor light of the room and saw Jack laying there almost lifeless. I sat next to his bed and touched his hand his hand was so warm. Scratches apon his face were going to make deep scars.I scratched my head as I looked on, his eyes were dull and dark around is sockets, his face as white as the snow outside. His hand clenched on to something, I slid it out of his grasp and noticed it was a picture of me. I turned the image around, I noticed that there was writing I began to read it.
"Hareiet- Summer 1992-
Dear Jack, This is a picture of Harriet. I kept it and I wanted to give it to you to hold. She always loved you.
Yours and Harriets best Friend (Always)- Kayleigh"
"And I still do" I smiled
I placed it back into his hand. I stared out into the corridor, no one had visted. It was strange that I didnt see Kayleigh when she visted late last night, and she would have come up to me if she saw me. I knew this for sure. I impatiently waited hoping Jack would wake to see me. It was 9:30 and the sun was risen. Jack was beginning to wake up,excited rose from my seat.
" Hareiet?!, Harriet!?!,"
"I'm here, its ok, I am hear. I love you" but he continued to shout out my name.
The nurse came in and calmed him down. I sat back in my chair confused and frightened.
"Where's my girlfriend. Where is she?" he said
"I AM HERE FOR GODSAKE!" I shouted.
The nurse took a long pause before speaking again.
"Jack, I dont know how to tell you this, or how to put it easier for you to understand. Harriet... She didnt make the crash. I'm sorry."
"What!?!" I thought, my eyes filling up with tears.
"No. I... I dont believe you. Your lying. Your a liar. She couldnt have. I was in the front I was supposed to die. It wouldnt of happened like that, it couldnt have."
"I am sorry. It did" The nurse left him crying
"No...Harriet I need you. I need you."
He picked up the photo and read it. My eyes were swallen with tear which was streaming from my face. Was I dead?. I loved him, we were going to get married. I could have died.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I like your story a whole bunch!
I like how you progress up to her being dead, from her worrying all the way up to her yelling at the nurse, then realizing the truth.
Go back and revise for grammar and spelling. Maybe just copy/paste into a word document and let it do that for you... but it was sort of distracting to see so many little typos.
So even though she is a ghosty-thing, she can pull a photo out of Jack's hand? Huh?
Oh...I love it...you put so much emotion in to it. Oh I want to read more. When is the next chapter coming out. I actualy nearly started to cry. Oh such a love story, they were supposed to get married and now she's dead, life is so not fair...But it's such a good story...

I really really liked this

you write with such emotion i don't think you even realise it. I like how she processes the the thoughts about what happenned with the crash and the fact that she's dead. All of the responses to things were really well thought out.
I can't wait til part 3. put it up already!
x
Oh my God. And I thought Part 1 was amazing! This was even better! You potray emotions very well, that's a talent that some writers take a while to learn. You have some typo errors but I know you can edit that later. I thought this story was wonderfully written but sad. I loved it!
PM me when you post the next installment!
And welcome to YWS!
This is a very intriguing story!

There should have been a bit more punctuation, but apart from that I thought it was well written
I will definitely be keeping an eye out for Part 3
~ Mikayla x