Published January 21, 2013
The crimes that you commit
Will never be equal to mine.
Isn't that right?
What you drill into my head?
What you never-endingly whip me with.
Others tell me I am an animal.
A mere shell,
Existing only to fill your bidding.
But you always want more-
Always,
Thirsty for my lifeblood.
The essence of my mind,
Flowing to fill your desire,
Your lust for power.
You are a goddess,
And I, a mere mortal,
Trapped beneath the grindstone
That is your will.
Like Atlas, I struggle always,
To support your expectation.
In return, there is only your
Displeasure.
Your innocence. My guilt.
The burden weighs me to the floor.
I can only hope that one day,
You will understand,
What you have
Created.
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140,225 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hello Ingrid!
Wow, that piece was certainly emotional and powerful! I read it over a few times, and I'm still not entirely sure what it means, but I loved the imagery and dark tone. I'm sure it makes sense to you, so maybe you could try to be more direct? Other than that I don't have many suggestions for you. :/ Sorry.
So I guess this isn't going to be much of a review. I'm just gonna point out the parts I liked best, okay?
1.) The Atlas and grindstone imagery was very good. Up until that point, I was finding it hard to picture the characters in my mind. It also evoked a sense of desperation and struggle.
2.) The word choice. Way to convey such conflict with so little language! That takes skill.
3.) The line, "Your innocence. My guilt.", kinda turned the poem on its head. The supposed "goddess" the narrator kept describing seemed pretty evil to me! I think this sentence, though albeit confusing, was very thought provoking. It made me think that perhaps the narrator was disillusioned and in denial to the true nature of the "goddess".
Forgive me if my interpretation was totally off. Hope this review at least helps you see your poem from another person's perspective.
Keep writing!
I think I reviewed you yesterday as well... A story? The Mirror? It was very good
Anyway, here I am again!
I'm going to do positives first, methinks
This poem has a lovely little rhythm to it; you've really made it work without rhyming, which is hard. You've got quite a complicated rhythm. I might suggest putting it into verses, to make it more obvious, and also because there are different sections. Like, most of the places where you have full stops could be new stanzas, perhaps. But then, maybe you like it flowing as a whole. Just a little thought.
But you could do something like:
You are a goddess,
And I, a mere mortal,
Trapped beneath the grindstone
That is your will.
Like Atlas, I struggle always,
To support your expectation.
In return, there is only your
Displeasure.
Your innocence. My guilt.
The burden weighs me to the floor.
I can only hope that one day,
You will understand,
What you have
Created.
By the way, these two are my favourite verses.
I also like the way you've given a bit away about the situation but not everything. We've learnt a bit about the characters, like earlier it sounds like the 'you' might be a vampire, and then we find out that they're a goddess.
I also really like the bit where you ask two questions in a row, because one question can feel funny, but two works well.
Where you go: Isn't that right?
What you drill into my head?
I don't really have any negatives, actually. I have that suggestion about the verses but yeah, that's it.
Great little piece. Well done!