The mirror was threefold in two ways. The first way, was that it was actually a three panel mirror, designed to show the viewer all sides of them self. The second was that it captured the heart, the mind, and the soul. She stood before it, captivated. Enthralled and engrossed in her own reflection. Or, to be more exact, she stood staring at her reflection in horror and absolute disgust. In her mind, she could be no uglier.
The mirror curled away, and she quivered, staring at the roll of fat around her stomach, the way her thighs crushed together and her breasts heaved out. Could this really be her? The same beautiful child, now older, now imperfect beyond words. The self that her tiny, perfect mother would never, could never love.
The mirror showed her all of this, the harsh reality of her own making. There was no escape from it's massive beam. The dressing room was built around the mirror, not the other way around. It showed her the stark truth, twisted in her mind to become all consuming, all encompassing. She was fat, ugly, and unwanted. This she knew from the inside of her core.
The mirror was unfazed as it cooly reflected the naked girl reaching into her purse. The girl stared back, dazedly responding, not to her base instinct of self preservation, but to one that spoke just slightly stronger. Self destruction. She knew that she would never be able to leave a beautiful corpse. She could never find it in herself to end it all, no matter how often the urge came.
The mirror's glass was cool and smooth as she rested her head against it. Inside, he mind boiled, tears quietly dropping from her eyes, down her cheeks and off her nose. Her mother didn't want her, it was only too painfully obvious, and the reason was as clear as the surface of the mirror. Her mother would never want a girl like that. A girl with that shape. A girl with that much more.
The mirror glimmered light off the blade. It wouldn't hurt for long. Then she'd wrap her arm and move on, with a smile and a nod, and no one would ever know.
And so, in its threefold way, the mirror watched impassively as she tore at her heart, mind and soul.
Hi Ingrid! Welcome to YWS! I love your name, by the way.
This was certainly emotional. I sort of liked that this was kind of short, because this described one scene, a brief moment in my opinion, and it might have become a bit dull if it was any longer.
I like your way of writing -- it sounds beautiful and it flows nicely, so it's easy to read! I especially liked the beginning:
What a lovely way to start the story! Like poetry.
I also liked this sentence:
I'm not sure why, but I can imagine this so well and almost feel the mirror myself.
I take it that she hurts herself in the end. I felt it was a bit contradictory, because she's saying how she couldn't be able to end it all... then again, hurting oneself is different than killing oneself, so maybe she thought she could do a little harm, but not anything too permanent.
I hope this helped, even though this was kind of short!
Demeter
x
Hello Ingrid, Reise here to review.
#00BF00 ">Corrections
#FF0000 ">Removals/Highlights
Let's jump right into it then.
The comma here creates an awkward and unnecessary pause, you don't need it.
I believe the word you were looking for here was 'quivered'. Quavered means to shake or tremble as you speak; as I see it here, your character is not speaking. I'm not sure if this was a mistake, or you intentionally put "quavered", but now you know.
A easy way to see if you need to use "it's" or 'its' is to replace "it's" with 'it is' and see if the sentence still makes sense. The word 'its' shows possession, while "it's" is just a contraction.
I love how you personify the mirror.
Completely positive this was just a simple mistake, just thought I would point it out to you.
I feel like the highlighted line would have more emphasis if it stood alone. It would have more pop as a single line. "Her mother didn't want her." This line, to me, symbolizes a sort of sudden realization the character has. Her mother does not want her. That is a strong line that is diminished in greatness when it's tacked onto the following statements.
That's just my two cents.
Overall:
This was brilliant. I love the emotion you put into this piece. Even though your character never talks I feel as if I know her. I feel as if her pain and sorrow is personal to my own self. Your imagery and description is amazing. Show don't tell, we preach that a lot here, and you've managed to do exactly that. We saw, we felt, we know.
One of my favorite things about this was the way the ending tied back into the beginning using "threefold" as a parallel.
I'm also impressed with the way a lot of things in this piece were paired into three's. I don't know if this was on purpose, but I review with the thought that everything the author does is intentional. For example:
Like I said, I don't know if this was on purpose or not, but I was impressed.
All in all I really liked this, as you can tell. Keep writing, and if your future works are as good as this you can bet that I'll be there to review.
-RP
Thank you
ooooooh, disturbing.
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! This is an interesting little piece.
FIrstly, to the negatives, which I must say are few.
You say that she quavered. Quavered means this:
quavered past participle, past tense of qua·ver
Verb
(of a person's voice) Shake or tremble in speaking, typically through nervousness or emotion.
So it's to do with a voice. It's quite a similar meaning (and word) to this:
quivered past participle, past tense of quiv·er (Verb)
Verb
Tremble or shake with a slight rapid motion.
(of a person, a part of their body, or their voice) Tremble with sudden strong emotion.
Except that that one can be for the body as well, which I think is what you mean.
Another thing was a typo: The mirror's glass was cool and smooth as she rested her head against it. Inside, he mind boiled,
Her mind boiled?
The mirror was threefold in two ways. The first way, was that it was actually a three panel mirror, designed to show the viewer all sides of them self
This is the opening but it feels awkward and bland. I think the comma after 'the first way' should not be there.
I didn't quite get what the mirror was- is it some sort of fantasy mirror or whatever? I also didn't quite get whether she kills herself at the end or not or what.
I think that's the negatives.
The positives are that you've got a great style and a good command of grammar. I really felt for the character and how she was really upset and stuff.
I also thought you had good description.
I have one last thing I want to point out:
the naked girl reaching into her purse
OK, maybe I read too many historical fiction novels but BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
You might want to do something about that. Or you might not understand me and just think I'm insane.
Or maybe that's what you actually meant :O But then she gets a knife out? What?
Sorry... I'll go now...
But anyway, great little story. And welcome!
when i say the negatives are few, i mean that there aren't many. because this really was a very good piece of work.
Don't think I understand what you meant about the naked girl reaching into her purse... XD
Never mind...