Quiet

Hey there!

Starleene here!

First off, I noticed you were new to YWS and wanted to extend a warm welcome!

Second, I noticed your work and I decided to pop in and leave you a review! So let’s get started!

“Facing forwards and praying that no one would pay attention to her. She knew nothing- or she came across that way.”

In the sense you can just use forward instead of forward(s). I think it’s kind of odd that you use a dash here? If you replace this with proper punctuation it should have the same effect as the dash.

“They glowed softly, the imperceptible remains of tears wiping them clear, like freshly cleaned glass panes.”

When I hear the word glow I imagine like a light or something, if you used the word shimmered it adds more of a soft quality to this line. It fits a lot better as well. Also, “wiping them clear,” There isn’t an action attached to this phrase, it’s kind of a random though to add at the end of a sentence. Consider revisions?

“Her head felt swollen, and yet tender, a porcelain bowl about to shatter and fall into pieces around her.”

I’m going to throw out a couple suggestions here and you can either use them or not but this sentence is very…awkward? Maybe you can try something like “Her head felt swollen and tender; (semi colon to create emphasis with the rest of this thought.”

“Somewhere in the depths of her broken mind, whispered voices spoke to her.”

Maybe consider switching “whispered” and “voices,” and take out “spoke,” it seems to flow better than way.

““You know what you are....” They whispered to her, brushing her mind with their invisible fingers. “And you know that what you are.... is worthless.””

This is really great imagery. It captivates the mind and makes you think! I like it.

“And she knew it was true, so she did not move.
She sat alone staring ahead.
Quiet.”

I like how you ended the piece the same way as it started. It adds a circular motion to the readers thought process, very well done.

All in all, this was really good! I enjoyed the read and it was an interesting plot. I would concentrate on your punctuation. Punctuation makes or breaks a writer. It’s the difference between a good writer and a great writer. Keep that in mind!

Well I think that’s all!

Good luck! Happy Writing!

Starleene Out!

Wow, a new member! Welcome to YWS, and I'll be reviewing your piece today.

First off, I like the repetition, the way you ended with the beginning. You have a good voice, but perhaps you should also focus on giving the reader a couple of details regarding WHY she felt that way.Yes, I tend to write pieces like these as well (for me its to blow off steam, whatever the reason is for you is your choice and not at all a bad one) but they end up being for my eyes only. If I particularly like a piece, THAT'S when I add explanations. Once more, this is just for me and if this is what you were shooting for then by all means.

Overall its a unique piece and leaves the reader wondering 'why?' Keep up the good work

My first impression of this was sad. Even my last impression of it was sad. But it's still well written. I wonder what made her feel so worthless. Be in mind when you read this, it wasn't written to make people happy.

Hello! I noticed that you're new to YWS. I wanted to say welcome, and I hope this review doesn't in anyway deter you from the site and most definitely not from continuing your writing. Your style is quite lovely!

This particularly piece read rather poetically, in my opinion. And I mean that in a good way! It seems like a personal piece cosplaying as fiction, but I'm no one to make such assumptions.

I thought it was lovely, if a little puzzling. I understand that you wanted to convey the emotions moreover than anything else, which is fine, except that if the setting of the scene is too unclear, the emotional portrayal can fall flat. I know from experience. Haha

As for mechanics, there were a few things I wanted to point out:

1. "They glowed softly, the imperceptible remains of tears wiping them clear, like freshly cleaned glass panes. "
--Here, I believe you must add in the correct pronouns and rearrange the structure of the sentence to make it more clear that the girl was wiping away her imperceptibly glowing tears. Does that make sense?

2. "And you know that what you are... is worthless."
--Seemed to be a very pivotal line for this piece, but there's something about the isolated dialogue/paragraph that throws its significance. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something disturbed the flow for me in this paragraph.

I think those are some of the bigger things I caught in this scene. I hope it was helpful! Feel free to pm me with any comments or questions. I'm welcome to conversation(:

xo gummies

So thought provoking and deep, it touched me because I have felt those feelings before. (In the past I have struggled with depression and eating disorders I am now staying strong that's how I chide my username) anyway enough about me, this piece of writing is well wonderfully!!

This is a very interesting narrative. The plot is mysterious as it is aided by the use of language features such as similes and metaphors are very well used to add a level of depth with which readers would be able to relate to. The only main errors I noticed were a few typos, but nothing to major to worry about.

I can't get over the compelling use of language features, this an excellent piece of work.

Hey, Antonio here, and I'll try my best to review this short piece.

It seemed interesting, so I decided to read it. Overall, I think the piece is a little too dramatic. I like descriptions about how people are feeling, but I personally dislike when people try too hard to capture that feeling. Be more subtle and use more unique metaphors and similes. Like this for example:

"All the fires of hell curled within her stomach, leaping with acidic burns at her throat and the inside of her lips."

It's just too cliche for my taste, if you like it, keep it.
I don't know if this is a small part to a bigger story, but that draws another problem. You're describing someone; trying to make her seem worthless and unimportant. I want to feel for her, but I can't because I don't know her. If you want people to feel for your character, you have to make her real. I hope you don't see this as a negative review; it's my personal opinion, so take what you want from it.

As always, keep writing!