Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
You gaze onto the beautiful blue ocean. The waves overlap and slap together, like the calm claps of a crowd. It’s a windy day in Lahaina, Maui, but the breeze feels soothing as it brushes back wisps of your hair.
You take a deep, relaxed breath. This is your favorite spot, atop that black peaked rock, legs dangling over the choppy waters. A place away from the family... away from... her. You shudder, rubbing the black bruise plastered across your forehead. Don't think about her. Not here. You scold yourself silently. You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to divert your thoughts toward something else. Anything else. It doesn't work. You are sucked away from reality and swept into a memory.
She was wobbling around, falling on the peeling walls of the old house for support and giggling hysterically. Your house was poorly cared for, with dust drifting around and different unused objects cluttering the floor. You couldn't manage raising money, taking care of her, AND tidying the house. It was too much, especially at that age.
You watched her in horror. Her once beautiful face was now sagged with stress crinkles and frown lines. Her olive colored eyes were dulled into a grayish-green. Brown hair was sticking out at every angle, like she had been electrocuted. You never had seen her like this, and it terrified you. She laughed as she snatched up a brown bottle that was halfway full. At the time, you didn't know what that liquid was, but you knew what it did to her. You knew the out-of-control beast it made her. The liquid inside sloshed as she fumbled with it. She raised it, bringing the tip to her parched lips.
"Mom?" Your utterly terrified, 6 year old voice came shakily from your mouth, legs quaking in horror, "Mom. What are you doing?" She lowered the glass and looked at you. Your mom's face contorted into a maniacal smile.
You are pulled into a more recent memory, one that happened just that day.
Mother was whimpering in her room, curled up into a ball. She was wailing, "Aaron! Aaron, please!" Her voice quaked and cracked with sorrow. Just hearing your dad's name was enough to make you sob. She was rocking back and forth, rubbing her shoulders and weeping. The maroon shirt she wore was tattered and old, torn to bits of fabric. It was terribly ripped from the times when she would chew on it in anxiety. Over that, draped a worn out cloth, barely big enough to cover her shoulders. She hadn't changed in weeks. You were getting more and more worried about her.
You sat by her and rubbed her back. Usually you would be reluctant to get so close to her. You experienced her violence first-hand, but you couldn't stand seeing your mother that way. You just couldn't.
"Mom. It's okay. I'm here." You had to try hard to keep your voice from cracking. She raised her head to meet your eyes.
"Addi? Is it you?" Her voice was quiet, barely a whisper. A tear trailed down your cheek.
"Yeah. It's me, Addison. Your little Addi. I'm here."
"Oh, Addi." She caught the tear, rubbing your cheek with her calloused thumb. That gesture melted your heart, and more rivers of tears came flooding down. You two sat there, using each other's presence as comfort, but this sentimental moment took a turn for the worst. Mother took a breath, as if ready to say something.
"Aaron is so proud of you." You blinked, the guarded walls rising once more around your heart.
"Mother..." Your voice quavered, "Dad's not here anymore." You realized your mistake the moment the words left your mouth. You staggered backwards as fast as you could, but it was too late.
"Not here?" Your mom's once timid voice evolved into a loud one, dripping with rage.
"Mom, please-" She didn't let you finish. She raised her hand above her head, sneering angrily. Her expression was as cloudy as her mind. Her hand curled into a fist, then brought it slamming down on your face.
You open your eyes with a jolt. A tear streaked your face. You wipe it with the palm of your hand. Those memories made your old scars ache, and not just the physical ones. You take a shaky breath, trying to compose yourself. You got your emotions under control, then once again returned your stare to the vibrant ocean. Noticing how ugly life was, the beauty seems almost insulting. The tips of each wave are glistening in the reflection of the sunlight. Different hues of blues stir into each other, getting darker and darker the farther away you looked.
Naturally, once you were finally starting to seep back into tranquility, something HAD to happen. Your attention is suddenly drawn away from the vividness of the sea as the once gentle breeze becomes stronger and strangely hotter on your face. You hear the clamor of voices. A woman screeches. A man howls in pain. Sweat starts to stream down your face. You spin around to see what’s happening. The crisp ocean smell is diluted by a strong smell of smoke. Your eyes burn as you try to make out what is going on.
Then, you see it... and immediately wish you didn't. Your breathing is reduced to short pants of air. An unstoppable monster was consuming anything and everything daring to stand in it's way. Swallowing cars, houses and... oh my gosh... people. The monster immerses objects easily in it's blazing orange embrace. It's blooming, growing with each prey it devours. It's approaching, getting closer and closer at an alarming speed.
You know you need to move. Every still-intact-nerve was screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!!", but you are frozen with fear. I'm going to burn to death because I'm frozen. That's a tad ironic. You feel like your face is about to melt off. The burning inferno of death is 40 feet away. 30 feet. 20. Right when a flame reaches out to pounce on you, you feel something wrapping around your ankle, and you slip into the water.
***
The next thing you hear is this terrible high-pitched screeching sound. Then you realize that your ears are just ringing. The next thing you realize is that you're underwater. This realization arrives a bit late, since you try to take a gasp for air. Your lungs fill with water, and you feel like someone has just shoved a pencil up your nose. You cough fervently. Another mistake. You lose all your oxygen in a couple of hacks.
You push yourself up, your throat aching for air, but you are too far down, the surface is at least a yard above you. And the current is weighing you down, wrapping around you and anchoring you to the floor. Then you look down. It's not the current grasping you.. it's a person. Your heart would jump out of your chest if it wasn't dying. Then you see who is holding you down.
It's your mom. Guiding you to your death.
She has her steel grip on you that you know all too well. She is unconscious, probably overdose kicking in. You want to sob, you want to scream, but there is not enough air in your lungs for you to do it. You can hear your heart pounding in your ears, like a foreboding voice, welcoming you to your death. Your body weakens, so that you could barely move your arms. You feel as immobile as a ragdoll, and as hopeless as an ant under the foot of a giant, and even worse, it was her who killed you. You look around at your underwater prison. Countless others are jumping in the water fleeing from the fire, only to meet another road to death. You wish you stayed on that rock and burned, it would've been much less painful than this. Your body goes limp, giving up on all effort of salvation.
Then, all of a sudden, you hear another muffled splash. A woman dives in near you. She swims toward you, her scarlet hair dancing freely in the water. She has light skin and hazel eyes. The last thing you see are her beautiful features, then you black out.
End of chapter
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139,240 Literary Works • 672,520 Reviews
Worst Than Fire is based on a real event that occurred on August 8, 2023. This devastating disaster wiped out 2170 acres of Maui, Hawaii, killing 101 people and causing countless injuries. It left hundreds homeless. The fire spread so quickly, due to the intense wind that carried it through the town.
The main character's story though, is not based off of a real person, so don't freak out. No one I know is being abused, so no one call the police XD! Just saying, this is my first second person piece, so have mercy on me. Part 2 coming soon! (yes there's a Part 2. Don't lose all hope for Addi)
Hello! Upon request, my lovely Tawney Owl is here to deliver a review for you! (I am so so sorry for the literal month-long wait on this. I've been procrastinating!!!)
Just before we get into the review, remember that these are all suggestions and interpretations of how I read the piece. You've written a very wonderful story, and as the author, you are under no obligation to take any of my suggestions.
Ok, straight off the bat, I was pleasantly surprised to find this written in the second person. This isn't something I see very often, and would never attempt myself, so props to you on that.
One quick thing I'll mention is the title. At first glance, I thought the word "worst" was a spelling error. Typically, the word "worse" is used in this context. This very well could have been intentional, though, and if so, I'd love to hear your thought process behind your title.
I thought this line was super creative, which is great when adding metaphors and figurative language to writing. However, I don't think the comparison you made gives quite the image you were looking for. It's hard for me to picture what it would look like for the ocean waves to have a sibling rivalry, mostly because I can only picture that as two little kids fighting! It sort of distracts from the actual ocean, which is what you're describing.
Another thing to keep in mind while creating figurative language is how it fits with the rest of the paragraph. Since you started off with the words "the beautiful ocean," it already puts the image in my mind of an elegant sea shore, almost tranquil in a way. Choosing words that carry the same mood or tone all throughout a description can enhance the visual that you give your readers. In this case, "a sibling rivalry" didn't quite fit with the rest of the description.
This is another example of where I kind of had to go "wait, what exactly did that say?" In this case, I really liked the visual of electrified hair, but the comparison, again, seemed just a little bit out of place. Even simplifying it to something along the lines of "...like she had been electrocuted." Of course, there are many other ways you could do this. And who knows, maybe you want to keep it as it is!
Leading up to this moment, you created a lot of suspense with describing the main character's mother. And, since you hadn't revealed yet that she was the protagonist's mother, it's an extra punch to the gut. Adding a little bit more description about how the main character felt here can make that punch even more powerful. All we know is that the main character was utterly terrified, but what actions showed that they felt terrified? What else was going through their mind as they watched their mother? It was obviously scary, but we don't get much on how the main character felt.
Here, I feel that the description of the mother's clothes could be enhanced. I tend to get bored or uninterested when I read clothing descriptions. I didn't feel that much while reading this, since it was pretty short. There's nothing wrong with using the words "she was wearing," but with the mood and tone of the story so far, I feel like a little boost to this description could help fit the story better.
Something I like to do is change the subject of the sentence to the clothing. "The shirt she wore was..." Something along those lines. It can add more detail, and makes the writing sound a bit more intricate. No need to do this every time, but, again, just a small thing.
This sentence confused me. The problem here is that this is only a sentence fragment, not a complete sentence. One way to fix this is adding the word "is" or "was" before the word "consuming". (Though, I absolutely loved the extended metaphor you used in this paragraph. *chef's kiss*)
One teeny tiny thing here. I think there may have been a typo here, with the word "you." I believe you meant to write "your." Just thought it was worth mentioning!
One last thing I'll say is to make sure you watch verb tense. In this story, you did a really nice job of switching between past tense and present tense, which are separated by flashbacks versus the present. I noticed that after you switched from past tense to present tense, there were still a few past-tense verbs scattered throughout the rest of the story. Just be sure to keep it consistent, so you don't confuse your readers.
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. The atmosphere you created really drew me into the story, and I loved the inclusion of the flashbacks. You did really well with writing this, and I really only needed to point out very small and specific details that could improve your writing. There are tons of wonderful things I could say about this story, but since you specifically requested a Tawny Owl review, I left them out for now ; )
I'm excited to read the next chapter! Hopefully it doesn't take me ages to review that one, too.
Keep writing! -Avian
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the review (and it's okay if it's a tad late, I do stuff like that all the time)! I tried to put in/correct everything you listed. You are very observant, and spotted many things that a lot of people didn't XD. I am very grateful for your honesty, and for not sugar-coating your corrections! Thanks again, Avian!
Minorly concerned about the based on a true story part, but let's go.
Where I smiled:
The writing style is immaculate, it showcases an almost dreamy terrain, giving a sense of mysticism while keeping it real. The flashes to the sea is interesting and shows a deep maturity of a writing style and of perspective. With the several inferences and pressure showing a horrifying image, while simultaneously reflecting worse fates.
The mom is a jerk. Her drugged state causing only pain, and hurting Addison when she says the slightest thing she dislikes. Her nonresponsibilities boil over when you escape the inferno only to begin drowning as she won't let Addison go. It shows her unwillingness to let Addison go despite her behavior, giving a sense of pity and pain, but ultimately, she just keeps dragging Addison down and hurting her.
Now for the inferno itself. Life hits like a truck, making many think it's better to hide. People will only realize too late that they should have stood and embraced the inferno, as it wasn't hot enough to kill them, but the water will always drown them. The many people fleeing the fire leapt into the easy water, only to be trapped in self pity and defeated. They couldn't leave the new prison, when it would have been easier to simply survive in the first place.
And that ending gave me chills. The woman jumping in to save Addison showcases a selflessness that is unfortunately uncommon these days. Someone who embraced the inferno and empowered reaching into the prison and rescuing someone from their pain and eventual death in self pity. She saved Addison from her mother's grasp of self pity and guilt tripping, enabling Addison to make her own path through the inferno. Of course, she will need recovery time and a chance to explore the burnt terrain and learn the rules to survive and empower like the woman that saved her.
A Line to Remember:
Addison realizing that the water is only a prison happens too late, and it is shown that many people thought the same way, only to be pulled under by guilt and pain, showing that the inferno would have been a better path. Then the body giving up shows just how true it is as she can't escape due to her guilt and problem until she is directly saved by the aforementioned woman.
A New Lesson
Couldn't find anything wrong, good job.
The Catalyst's Growth
Addison went through a lot here, her guilt and pain boiling over to the point that she couldn't bear to face the inferno of life, leaping in and expecting sanctuary, only to find a prison worse than the one she imagined herself in.
Then, she was saved, showing her that she doesn't need to drown in pity and guilt, but that she can find life beyond the pain she held onto.
Overall:
Really well done, can't wait for the next part.
Thank you so much for the review! That was very well put, how you deciphered the metaphor. This IS based off on a true event though. I'm glad you liked it!
Hii!
First of all, I would like to compliment you on your amazing writing style, the way this story progresses and slowly draws you into itself almost like a siren luring a sailor is really, really amazing.
Your portrayal of the protagonist's relationship with their mother is so raw and authentic. You delve into their past with such empathy and insight, it's like peeling back layers of emotion with every word.
That's not the only part that got me hooked on this story, let's talk about suspense. You've got it down to an art form! That moment when the protagonist is frozen in fear as the flames draw closer? I could practically feel my heart pounding in my chest. You've got this gift for ramping up the tension with every sentence, keeping me glued to the edge of my seat.
I cannot wait for the next part because this is a great story and the fact that you got this idea from a real event makes it even more amazing.
Thank you for writing this amazing piece and I hope you enjoyed this review <3 !!
Ah! I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this. (I enjoyed reading your review!) I didn't think I was good at building suspense well, so I was fairly worried about this piece. I am so blessed and relieved it turned out well. I'll tag you when I make the next part! <333
Also, I don't think that there are any problems with your writing even if it is your first time writing a second person piece because this a very captivating story . Can't wait to see how this storyline develops !!