Published June 11, 2011
As November sixteenth neared, strange things started happening to thirteen year old Diamond Anderson. Things had happened since she was born, but they had always been covered up. Now there were to many, happening too often to be covered up. Every time her parents wanted Diamond to do something, they would discover that it had already been done. Mostly what she did was clean her room, constantly folding her clothes. Everything was well, untill one day when she was shelving books in the library. Three girls who had never came into the library before walked in. They where talking so loud that the librarian had to scold them.
"If you girls want to be in here, then be quiet!"
The girls giggled but stayed quiet. Diamond continued to shelve the books, but the girls kept giggling and looking at her.
"All right, watch this." One of them said, getting up.
Diamond ignored the girl as she walked over.
"Where do you find books about cats?" she asked.
Diamond pointedat the shelf that held the cat books.
"Where?"
Again she pointed at the shelf.
"Speak, use your words." she said snotty like. "Oops i'm sorry, you can't." she smirked.
In that moment there was nothing Diamond wanted more than to wipe that stupid grin off her face, so she did. She took the book in her hand and struck the girl hard in the face. The girl fell over and layed sprawled out. Diamond just looked at her in contempt and continued shelving books.
"Jessica?!" the other girls cried.
Diamond pushed her cart to another shelf and finished stacking the books. She was out of the library before the manager stepped in
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140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Spiderman Here.
The plot sounds promising and unique. The prologue seems short. Grammar mistake have already been posted, except one:
Just put a period on the end of it.
OVerall, I think it was good, but it was just short.
You have some grammer mistakes, but I understand the wording and absolutely love the plot. It was very interesting to me from the very begening! Please continue!
Hello!I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.
Comments are in lavender.
Here we Go!
I hope that you understand the point that I am trying to make here...
1.) You use the word "happen(ed)(ing)" too much.
2.)You seriously are lacking vital detail here, what type of things occurred or happened?
3.) Show...don't always tell. This chapter is waaay too short to give a proper introduction to the story.
You skip too fast into the"library" slow down.. slow down...
You see how everything can be better re-phrased and junk? it's sounds clearer and isn't as choppy.
Overall:
I love the idea that you have here, you just didn't do it justice, really. Here are a few key suggestions for areas of improvement..
1.) Don't rush, take your time, and add detail. Outline your ideas and think through them before you write.
2.) Develop the characters. Tell us how they look, what they like, and how they act.
3.) Show, don't tell.
4.) Check spelling and punctuation before you submit something- just so that the reader can have a more pleasant experience.
Other than that, nice job!
Keep writing!
-----------------
-Jojo
Indian, I read this and I thought it followed up the prologue pretty well. Maybe you could use some longer words, but you're getting there. I like how you've skipped all the non-important stuff from the prologue to the first chapter, maybe saving a few details for later? You could use a few more adjectives, but I think you have a good start. I'm patiently awaiting the next chapter, and I hope it's even better. Keep writing!
Hello there, it's nice to make your acquaintance. I'm Azrael and I'm a very harsh critic. Don't take anything I say here on in personally. Well, then - let's get started!
For the starter of a story, this doesn't really draw me in the slightest. Who is the target audience?
This is way too vague; flesh it up and add some detail.
Strange things? What type of strange things? Tease us with some little bits of the fantastic.
This sentence doesn't make any sense. She'd been doing this since she was born?
What is this? ... What has happened? You introduced Diamond (a presumptous name, by the way) and then... no, you haven't even introduced her.
Who were they? Descriptions? Reaction from Diamond?
Yelling at someone being loud is tad bit counter-productive, isn't it?
Girls, giggled - girls, giggling. Find some words that mean girls and giggling and put them instead. You are way too repetitive.
She pointed where? How do we know where the shelf that held the cat books are? Also, another question - why is Diamond even in the library?
Check that you know how to properly write speech. I've fixed this up, but you need to make sure you have an understanding of it for future use.
WHAT!? Why? This Diamond, she's a tad bit violent, no?
She laid down after falling over? Reword.
Uhhh, there is something extremely wrong with this Diamond.
Overall:
Right, well, I don't know who your intended audience is, but if you're aiming for preteens who have no self-confidence, then you're half-way there. Your main character isn't explained at all... why doesn't she talk? And why is she such an aggresive person? Also, this is entirely too short to be a chapter. It's two paragraphs, if that. I'm not trying to be mean here, but you haven't described anything and that, my fellow writer, is a definite must - unless this is going to be a picture book.
Your (vague) plot is... interesting is one word for it, but it's not like it hasn't been done before. A girl with powers. How very original. I congratulate you for not making her adopted (yet). Another note I'd like to make - if you wanted Diamond to be shown as real biyatch, you've succeeded. I'm feeling very sorry for Jessica right now.
3 top things:
1) Check your writing before you post. Remember the simple stuff; capital letters, full-stops, spelling and proper speech.
2) Describe, describe, describe - you can always cull useless stuff later on.
3) Strive to be original or better. How are you going to stand up in the word of authors, if yours is exactly the same as everyone else's? What makes your story better?
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.