To Die a Dream of Death

Thanks Adna! xD You are certainly great at poem reviews.

And thank you thunderwolf190. I actually had it that before but I changed it to match the first stanza part. I guess I could possible change it. I personally think it sounds better too.

~Incognito

A dream with no fate,

A fate without a soul,

A soul with no body

Here as requested Cogz! =D Since this is your first poem, I’m going to try to be especially thorough, but that doesn’t mean I’m picking on you. I’m glad you decided to start writing poetry!!! And I want to help any way I can. =D

Now firstly, poetry doesn’t need to rhyme! It’s perfectly alright that you didn’t rhyme. Most of my poems don’t. I think no rhyming suits your poem just fine.

You said this is your very first poem, correct? This piece is marvelous. Your very first poem, and it’s better than a good many others I’ve seen. That’s not to say it doesn’t require revising, but you expected as much I’m sure. =)

Since you specifically mentioned punctuation, I’m going to start with that. You have a lot of unnecessary commas. You don’t need punctuation at the end of every line; I don’t know if that’s what you thought or not. I’m not going to go through and point out every one. Instead, what I would suggest is taking each individual sentence, and write it like you would write prose, so you can more easily see where the commas shouldn’t be.
For example, take this:
To wake with no return,
A mind of shallow thought,
This is not what his life should be,
This is not what he could be,
But with a dream he is lost.
And write it like this: To wake with no return, a mind of shallow thought, this is not what his life should be, this is not what he could be, but with a dream he is lost.

When you write it like that you can see where some commas ought to be replaced with periods, or maybe a semi-colon, or simply cut.

I would do it like this: To wake with no return, a mind of shallow thought, is not what his life should be. This is not what he could be, but with a dream he is lost.

Repetition: You have a lot of words that you use over and over again, many phrases you repeat. Some of the repetition you have is effective, as I’ll point out, but a lot of the words should be replaced with new ones, to keep things fresh.

The sanctions of acts,
The conditions of fate, You use the same structure for these first two lines; this I’d leave.

A body with no soul,
A soul without a fate,
A fate with no dream.These three last lines; I like how you did this, I would only change the commas to semi-colons.

To wake with no return, You use this structure in four other places, an dependent phrase ‘to [something]’. This is one of the places where I would change it, throw in some variety. Perhaps: Waking with no return.

This is not what his life should be,
This is not what he could be, I would change the phrasing of the second line here, maybe something as simple as taking out the “this is”. This is not what his life should be / not what he could be

But with a dream he is lost.

His dreams haunt him,
Fearsome dreams of falling in battle.
A lost fight he dies to dream. You use the word ‘dreams’ far too much. Here you have include it in four lines in a row. You need to find some substitutes. Visions, wishes, fantasies, hopes, fancies, imaginings: all words that are synonymous to an extent, depending on the way you’re using “dreams” in a particular sentence.

Born ready to die or to kill,
Born ready for death. These lines say exactly the same thing, so I’d cut one. Since you use ‘death’ a little often, I’d cut ‘born ready for death.'

This is what he’s dreamed,
This is what he breaths. I would change the structure of one of these sentences to get rid of the repetition here as well. It all gets to be too much, you know? And it's not something that's necessary.

Just to die in battle,
Just to live in death,
Just to be his dream. [color=red] I don’t like this repetition. It’s one thing when the three lines are tied together, like in the first stanza, but in this case, they’re three different sentences. I would alter it to remove the repetition.

A dream with no fate,
A fate without a soul,
A soul with no body. By the last stanza, so much repetition gets to be too much. However, this is not one the places where I would change it. I like how the lines are connected two each other, and how you have three lines like this in the first and last stanza.

And with his dream,
He will die
To be his dream.
To die a dream of death. First of all, too much of the word ‘dream’ again. Like I said, you use it too much in this poem in general, but you’ve used it three times in four lines, so here especially something should be changed.
And the last two lines I would change. In fact, these last four lines put together just say the same thing two different ways. I would change the phrasing of all four lines to take away the repetition of sentence structure in the last two lines, and make sure it doesn’t say the same thing.

I thank both of you for your comments.

Aloha Juice --> I know my piece may seem bland, and I understand that not much praise can be given, but I would also like you to back up your opinion so that I would actually know how you figure out how to fix the problems I may have made. I would barely count that as a review. Otherwise, I thank you for your time in reading this piece and posting your own opinion.

I would also like to remind you that proper grammar and capitalization is a rule on this site.

Dreamwalk --> Thanks Mom. xD
Just kidding.

~Incognito

On the contrary, Alohajuice. I found this piece not at all shallow.

The meaning behind this piece is very bitter and a topic in which is very hard to discuss especially on an emotional level. War and death are both topics in which I find no revelance whatsoever to being 'shallow'. In fact, this poem was well worded in my tastes even if there was only one spelling mistake.

The first stanza is probably my favourite out of this piece and if you took the time and or effort to consider the wording you'd realize that the title comes out in the last ending and that the meaning is tied for the connection of the words. I highly doubt something like that would be shallow.

I may not be the greatest of reviewers when it comes to Poetry but I know for a fact when something is not shallow. To call a piece with such a heavy topic 'shallow' is more insulting then I would find understandable. Just my opinion though. You have yours and I have mine.

Alright, so on another note, I absoluetly love how the first stanza and the last stanza connect. The few stanza's in the middle are alright. Not exactly the greatest but still get your point across in an easy and understandable way. I didn't see a ryhmning scheme or anything like that so it's pretty basic, but from my understanding this poem was well thought out.

This poem is definitly beautifully done since it is your second poem and at the age of 13 I would think your writing would blossom smoothly throughout your years. Nice attempt at your second poem and a gold star from me

From Dreams to reality
~The.Dreamwalker

the title is a little confusing. and whenever you say 'to die a dream of death'
breaths should be breathes.
i liked ur use of the word 'sanctions' it gave it a poetic ring.
there isnt much praise for me to give, because it seems a bit shallow and empty.
its bland and not much really sticks out about it. most of the lines are forgettable