Goddess of Time (Part One)

Wow, I like the beginning and it's a really interesting idea You've obviously given the characters some thought, but you could have made some of the statements about the Goddess more subtle perhaps, I think it would sound good if it was more mysterious.. But then, I don't know how it's supposed to be SO forgive me if I'm wrong.

Great story, I liked it

Thanks Ranger! I was originally going to have her like curse him from above or something but i settled for gasped because everything else i did was ammmmazingly cliched.

Hey! First off, I think you've got an good story here! I'm interested in seeing where you take this! Secondly, I'm kind of a harsh critiquer, so bear with me.

In_the_Moonlight wrote:This is a short story I'm working on!! Enjoy
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Click…Click…Click...

Tempus, The Goddess of Time, sat perched on her favorite stone chair, clock in hand. Her fingers absently stroked the clock’s dial back and forth. Click. With every click of the dial, down on earth, time was playing a cruel trick on the people. They were being thrust to the future then flung right back to the present. I love this first part. Definitely got my attention and made me keep on reading.
Tempus, Oblivious to the hardship she was creating sighed. Tempus, oblivious to the hardship she was creating, sighed. Boredom was a horrible price to pay for being a God Two things - when you're not referring to God, it's not capitalized. Also, being female, she'd be a goddess.. Even her fascination with volcanoes, especially the ones in Olympus, where she was currently located in, was decreasing as the heat slowly drenched her in sweat.

Meanwhile, down on Earth, in a small village stood a man, glaring up at the heavens. His shoulder length red hair gleamed with sunlight and he looked menacing with his muscles visible. Moments ago he’d been the epitome of happiness; of true happiness. His wife had gone into labor, the midwives gathered around her. He’d been so happy, that he thought nothing could possibly ruin his mood. But then it had happened, as his wife screamed with agony only a woman in labor could completely understand, she disappeared. He’d felt a feeling of nausea sweep him too away.
The Goddess of Time, he knew was to be blamed. Even now as he stood just glaring, his wife gave birth to a variety of babies. Her screams could be heard throughout the village. She’d first given birth to a boy but it had changed constantly, at one point there were even twins. Melopy, his wife was being forced to endure the pain again and again. “Tempus, Goddess of Time, you torture your people! Are you a Goddess or a mere wench in disguise?” Charles’s voice drew upon the gaze of many passersby. I like this introduction to Charles. These two paragraphs are well written.

Tempus gasped. I don't know, for some reason this just didn't seem to be an adequate description of how she'd act. But that's just me, and these are your characters. Never before had a mortal been so arrogant. Calling her a mere wench was utter disrespect. She clicked the clock back to the present and vanished. A specific village in Greece was going to meet its doom.

Charles was amazed and angered. Tempus descended towards him in all her furry. Her features were nothing but divine, green eyes ablaze, and her black hair waterfalled to her waist. How dare she show her face.
“Tempus,” he breathed. Good ending here, it leaves the reader hanging!

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the help !

This looks like a really interesting story. You have considered th plot and characters. I suspect great things.

Hi there, let's get to the nitpicks

Tempus, Oblivious to the hardship she was creating sighed.

His shoulder length red hair gleamed with sunlight and he looked menacing with his muscles visible.

Oh wow, this was really good. I liked it. OK I only have one thing to say so here it is:

“Tempus, Goddess of Time, you torture your people!