Published October 20, 2012
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,433 Literary Works • 673,186 Reviews
Enjoyed reading your poem, was short but quick to the point on what you were talking about. It was pretty dark but I found it touching and relate-able to. I liked your pattern between "They will & Hand Someone". Overall I give it a 3.5/5 it can still be improved upon.
Thanks a you. Is there any advice on how to improve?
Really good!
I actually really, really liked this! I loved the last line:
Hand someone your heart
They will break you
Keep writing!
Thank you!
Ok here to review,
This is really intense, and really powerful. I feel as if you were really angry when you wrote this and just wanted to get it out. In saying that, it makes the poem feel rushed and like you didn't take much time or consideration in writing this.
It shows how people will easily break you if you give them the opportunity.
Tips:
Ok so firstly, the last two lines are the most important in this poem and the ones (for me) that have seem to have the most emotion, so to highlight this I suggest that you leave a line space between them and the previous lines simply to make the poem more interesting. Yet it works perfectly fine without that space, so it's up to you.
or
You can always put in an ellipse, this may work as well
Secondly (still involving the last two lines) I think that you could write
"Hand someone your heart
they will break it"
I suggest this because it makes the last line stand out, and because it is the most important line it will help it along. Also it will make the poem more interesting for the reader because there is some change at the very end.
Over all this is very well done and I like it heaps!
Good job xx
Nargles
P.S Welcome to YWS, if you have any problems or simply want some advise feel free to P.M me
Thank you! I'll take your advice on those things, it is true that I wasn't focusing on the actual polish of the poem. But I do appreciate the help. If I might ask though, like the silly newb I am, what is an ellipse?
the three dots ... that's an ellipse. To show the passing of time or when quoting things.