Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Health

12+ Violence

My Concrete Porch

by ImagineWolf008


I remember.

I remember the last time I saw you since my dreadfully silent coma. 

You smiled because of a stupid joke I told you. The joyful little curls in your brown hair bounced a bit when you sat up, off my porch swing. You hugged me, and it felt like a million moons had blessed me. Your sweet toothy grin will always hold a special place in my memory. I told you that I loved you, so you kissed me. I saw you in a new light for the first time. It was as if you had grown angel wings and sprouted a halo out of the top of your head. Your soft, caring eyes gleamed with the most care and love I've ever seen.

Then a girl in an unflattering red Porsche  pulled up into my driveway. Her tame, sandy blonde, straight hair could've won an award, where mine would have been ranked lower than the lowest place possible. Her piercing blue eyes could kill a thousand souls in an instant, where as my brown ones would painfully melt off someones skin in agony. Her long, slim, figure would fit perfectly in anyone's arms. My short, stubby legs and arms could send someone to a hospital. She walked up and onto my porch with a serious, vengeful look on her face, and tears streaming down her cheeks.

"You killed my brother!" She screamed in your face. You tried to back yourself up and tell her that it was an accident, but she didn't listen. She didn't care what you had to say. Her fury only grew, and the skin on her nose and between her eyebrows bunched together and turned a deadly shade of scarlet.

"You know it was an accident!" You pleaded, "I tried to stop him!

"Cory was my life! I took care of him, and you told him to kill himself!" She screeched and pulled out a knife from her black purse. 

She stabbed you, so I pushed her off the porch. It didn't do either of us any good, as she just stood back up brushing herself off from the half of a  foot drop. You cusp your hand over your stomach, blood seeping through your fingers. You fell to the ground, and my heart filled with dread. My very core shook with fear. I couldn't react, I was in so much shock. I tried to bolt over to you, but she forcefully grabbed my arm, pulling me towards her. I fell off the porch and tried to stand back up, but she took her six inch sword of death and thrust it into my back. The pain was unbelievable and unbearable. I fell onto the ground, my limbs numb. I couldn't move, but the last thing I saw was the corner of my concrete porch.

.--- . -. -. / .-.. --- ...- . ... / -- .- -..-

My vision faded from complete darkness to extreme light, and I slowly gained some sort of consciousness. I was laying on the hard bed in the chamber cell that is a hospital. My head hurt because of a light overhead that was infiltrating my vision. I squint to see the blurry silhouette of my parents. My mom's short, round figure looks like it has been welded into my dad's giant Goliath-sized frame. She had her head rest upon his shoulder, and they were sleeping in the hospital room chairs. 

I wanted to call out to them, but I couldn't speak. Words and frustration buzzed around in my head, and I wanted to scream out. I wanted to ask them so many questions!

How long has it been? Months? Years?

Are you still alive?

The thought of you possibly being dead, your lifeless corpse lying somewhere suffocated under six feet of dirt kills me. The thought of you and your beautiful eyes came into my mind. Your curly hair, your lively spirit... Where are you?

A single tear fell from my right eye, and I hoped my parents noticed. I felt trapped, like I was in a cage and the red Porsche girl threw away the keys. I needed someone to notice that I was in here! Under this lifeless body is me! I'm here!

But out of the corner of my eye I watched my parents continue to sleep; they must be so tired. Suddenly a nurse walked in. Will she notice my tear? Will she sense my pain and agony of being trapped inside this hell that is my body? 

Save me.

-... ..- - / -. --- .-- / ... .... . / ..-. . . .-.. ... / .- .-.. --- -. .

They finally noticed I was awake a few months ago. I've been through so much physical and mental therapy, but I was desperate to get back on my feet. You haven't been at the hospital, and my parents ignore me when I want to talk about you; they tell me to drop the subject. I haven't been allowed to have my phone back to text you yet because the doctors and nurses say that it's best to wait a little while longer before I can focus closely on a screen. But I want to know how you're doing so badly!

Last night I was filled with determination to call you, so I sneaked out of my hospital bed quiet enough so my parents wouldn't hear. I slipped my hand into my mother's purse and grabbed my phone and tried to turn it on. To my misfortune, it was dead. I sighed and gently placed my phone back into her large, old, brown purse. I thought about using her phone, but then I realized that I couldn't even remember your phone number.

I grudgingly fell back into my bed and stared at the ceiling until I was able to fall asleep.

... --- / ... .... . / - .-. .. . -.. / - --- / ... .-.. . . .--.

I was finally able to leave that stupid hospital and go home! On the way there I asked my parents about you, and this time I was determined to know what you've been up to.

"Jennifer how many times do we have to tell you, just drop it! Max is fine," My mom responded in a very annoyed tone.

"Max is my best friend, Mom, I deserve to know how he's doing! Why do you always avoid this conversation?" I asked, clearly hurt.

My dad pressed his lips together and readjusted his feel on the steering wheel. 

"Max moved," he responded. My mom shot him a worried glance, but he ignored her and continued on looking at the road. His eyebrows furrowed, creating lines tinged with worry and regret in his forehead.

You moved

I could feel hot tears beginning to form in my eyes. 

Well at least his recovery went well, I thought. I tried to keep my mind on the bright side, but I missed you a whole lot. I wish you were in this car with me right now so that I could look into your dazzling brown eyes and know that everything would be okay.

-... ..- - / .... . .-. / -.. . -- --- -. ... / -.- . .--. - / .... . .-. / .- .-- .- -.- .

I lay in bed knowing it would be another sleepless night. The silent void rummaging it's way through my house made me desperate to leave. I decided to take a walk to get away from the silence. I was about to leave when I felt a shiver run up my spine. I heard my mother quietly sobbing in her bedroom. Fear shot through me like bullets, and I stood frozen. I eventually gathered enough courage to slowly walk over to my parents door. I listened.

"Tyler, when are we going to tell her?" I heard my mom ask, her voice wobbly.

"Hon, we can't, it'll break her heart. She's already been through so much," my dad responded.

"I know, but she needs to know!"

There was a short break of silence.

"We can't let her find out on her own, we just can't," my mother said pitifully through sniffles.

"I know, and it's almost her birthday..."

This time the silence lasted a bit longer.

"I can't imagine what poor Max's mother must feel like, I mean, she was barely able to pay for the surgery."

"Yeah, it's a shame the kid's gone."

"I know... I wish we could've taken Jenn to his funeral, they were so close."

My body tensed up, and a  thousand knives rained down on me and obliterated my soul. Tears instantly began to spill over, and I cried as I rushed out of the house. 

I know my parents only wanted me to feel okay because of what I've been through, but this hurt worse that when the Red Porsche freak stabbed me in the back. I ran down the lit up streets of New York and didn't care about the concerned faces few people gave me as I darted past them.

I ran until I found a damp alleyway and sat down in the darkness. I didn't want anyone to see me. My gentle tears slithered down my cheeks and onto my tightly fitting jeans. Why did this have to happen?

Why did you die?

Why did you give up?

- .... . -.-- / - --- .-.. -.. / .... . .-. / -- .- -..- / .-- .- ... / -.. . .- -.. / .- -. -.. / --. --- -. .

My eyes fluttered open to find nothing but white, empty space. I must've fallen asleep, but I was sure that I was awake now. I knew that I should've felt fear, but I physically couldn't; only peace, or maybe I couldn't feel anything at all. I couldn't really tell. The place that I was laying down in seemed endless. I tried to prop my head up and look around, but it took a lot of effort. I succeeded, but was only able to lift my head a few inches. I dropped my head back down in defeat.

I closed my eyes but only found darkness. This place of eternity, silence, and near paralysis was really getting to me. I opened my eyes again, but now I saw you coming towards me. Soon enough you were close enough to kneel down and gingerly place a hand on my shoulder. Something about you looked different, but I couldn't quite figure out why or what it was. You smiled at me and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally move, so I stood up, and you did too. Our gaze met and I could see why you looked different. Your eyes were white and a very shimmery gold. It was beautiful; it was like a million stars dancing around me, performing the perfect show.

You softly rest your hands on my back for a genuine hug. You slowly drew back from the hug, but kept your hands stationary. Our noses brushed against each other and you kissed me. Salty tears began to gush out of my eyes like Niagara Falls, and I finally felt something. I felt something that was unexplainable, and for some reason I knew I would never feel it again.

As we kissed my vision flipped back and forth between the alleyway I fell asleep in, and here; the place that was incomprehensible. I switched back and forth between fields of reality; my parents running up to me in the alleyway, shaking me violently trying to wake me up -- And back to you. I wrapped my arms around you tighter, feeling safer and safer. I saw visions of my parents crying and sobbing over my body that couldn't wake up. 

You drew back and hugged me again, even tighter than before. I was still crying buckets of tears, not sure what I was feeling. You sincerley locked your gaze with me one more time, as if you never wanted to let me go before I abruptly plunged into complete darkness. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
412 Reviews


Points: 65738
Reviews: 412

Donate
Fri Apr 14, 2017 5:45 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Heya, It's MJ (as you could probably tell from the bold writing above my review), but anyways, I'm here to review your work, so let's jump into it.

1) I don't understand the compare and contrast between the girl in the Porsche and the MC. The story is about how the "you" being addressed killed someone and is being accused by the girl in the Porsche, not about how perfect she is as compared to how ugly the MC is. It's overemphasized for something that doesn't have much significance in the plot.

2)

you told him to kill himself!
How could it be an accident that the addressee told Cory to kill himself? And doesn't the addressee try to defend herself, or make an excuse?

3) The next section is very beautifully written, I don't have any corrections to offer. I love how you perfectly describe the MC's feeling of helplessness and weakness, both in terms of physical pain but also an inability to stop the addressee's pain.

4)
my parents ignore me when I want to talk about you;
A little more nitpicky here, but I wouldn't say ignore. I would say "don't want me to talk about you,", because they are listening (that is evident because they respond to the MC's talking).

5)
I grudgingly fell back into my bed
Another nitpick- I would say 'reluctantly' instead of grudgingly. It just seems to fit better IMO, but that's up to you.

6)
The silent void rummaging it's way through my house made me desperate to leave.
Another nitpick (last one I promise)- rummaging doesn't seem to be the best choice of words here. Forcing might work a little better.

7) Love the cliffhanger ending- I think it fit with the overall mysterious romantic theme well. I hope there's another installment where this is all resolved!

Overall, a great job here, but there were some possible spots of improvement that I did my best to point out. Sorry I'm pretty late, but hopefully it was still helpful!

Best wishes,
MJ




User avatar
479 Reviews


Points: 4157
Reviews: 479

Donate
Wed Sep 28, 2016 3:41 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hello there! C:

I came in here thinking this was going to be a light-hearted romance, but wow was I ever wrong! XD I liked how tragic you made this (is that creepy?)- mostly because most of the time, "romantic fiction" for teens is all happy endings and whispered forevers in school halls, so I thought that was really refreshing what you did! ^_^

Then a girl in an unflattering red Porsche


I'm not a huge fan of fancy cars myself, so I can see why the MC doesn't find the Porsche very impressive. What I'm more interested in knowing though, is why Jenn finds the car unflattering. It would help for us to get a better grasp on what kind of character Jenn is if we got a bit more info on why she thinks the way she does and why she reacts the way she does. Was it how the lights looked like snake-eyes (I'm not familiar with Porsche's, so forgive me XP) that she didn't like about it? Was it because the colour looked like puke? These kinds of things not only build onto what we know about the character, but also give us interesting visuals that hopefully will bring out the same kind of distaste that Jenn feels, in us!

six inch sword of death


I found this kind of funny, but I don't think that's what I'm supposed to think when I read that line! :P If you felt like you didn't want to overuse the word "knife" you could maybe say "dagger" instead. But I think if you said "knife" again, no one would really notice. You should see how many times I write "door" in my stories. It's a bit ridiculous on my part! But if that you were trying to mix things up a bit, I personally think using knife a couple times would go completely unnoticed! ^_^ Just my thoughts anyway!

the doctors and nurses say that it's best to wait a little while longer before I can focus closely on a screen.


From being (literally) stabbed in the back? I feel like Jenn would catch on pretty quick that that's an excuse they made to stop her from texting- also not sure how that would keep her from phoning- which doesn't require looking at a screen really at all... someone else could dial if that were the case. Maybe there's some other excuse they could have made to keep her from phoning him? Like... he's on vacation and doesn't have a plan that supports texting/calling or something? It's just a little hard to believe that she would have fallen for that- but that's just my personal thoughts.

I feel like her parents could have dealt with it a lot better, too. If that had happened to me, I know my folks most likely would have told me straight away that my friend/boyfriend didn't make it (not saying that my parents are the picture of perfect parenting- just you know, getting some other perspectives)- and that's not because they don't care about my emotional state, but rather because they would think I would have a right to know what happened, and a right to get the grieving started. Now, the parents in this story have every right to decide to keep this from their daughter, I suppose... but to me it just feels a bit old in the sense that here we have parents thinking their child needs to be protected by being lied to. Maybe there's a different way of keeping the character and the reader in that sort of mystery state that wouldn't also have that more common aspect of the parents lying? Of course, it's up to you! Just letting you know what it made me think of and stuff! :D

Anyway, good job! I like how you kept the story moving along really well and on-track! And I especially liked how you just threw us into the story at the beginning there- that always proves as a great way to hook the reader and keep us interested in your story! ^_^ Keep it up!!!

-Socks






Thank you so so much! I guess I should've described how Jenn went into the coma more clearly, lol, because some readers seem confused. So basically, when she was stabbed she fell and hit her head on the edge of the porch resulting in a brain injury that led to the coma. But anyways, thanks for your review! :)



Holysocks says...


You're welcome! c:



User avatar
88 Reviews


Points: 4704
Reviews: 88

Donate
Wed Sep 28, 2016 1:04 am
Zee6 wrote a review...



Hey,
So Good things first. I really liked all of your descriptions. I thought they were well done and the contrast of description to normal narration was great. Also the way her parents hid her best friends death, not cool bro. Not cool.

I do understand this is a short story but there are things that I don't really understand. So They whole background of why he got stabbed is a mystery which may have been your intentions, which is fine but the injuries after is where my problems lie. So why was she in a coma after a injury to her back? and also the doctor won't let her use her phone because of the screen brightness. Did they say that because they didn't want her to find out about the death or...?

There were few grammar mistakes although there were some, I would just consider revising. Your paragraphing was fine as well as the length of the story. The little wiggly line in between parts was a little unnecessary but that's totally my opinion; if you like it keep it.

All around this was really nice short story. Just a few things to consider for future reference and keep up the good work. You have so much potential. Thanks
-Zee






Thank you for the review! The narrator went into a coma because of a head injury, as she fell she hit her head on the edge of the concrete porch. Also the wiggly lines are actually secret codes that kind of tell their own story alongside this one. I wasn't sure if people would pick up on it, but that's what that was. Again, thank you so much! :)



Zee6 says...


Okay yeah the coma makes sense now; oh and no problem



User avatar
1706 Reviews


Points: 117084
Reviews: 1706

Donate
Mon Sep 26, 2016 9:13 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hmmm.

Okay, so a question, first: is this Jenn dying because she lost the will to live after finding out Max was dead? Or was she actually not well recovered from her stab wound and coma and died from some physical thing the doctors missed?

I mean, I'm definitely cool with someone losing the will to live and dying, but I find it more believable if it's tied to a pre-existing physical ailment. Like if someone suffered from some chronic illness but was fighting it and doing the treatments and trying to be positive and whatnot, but then they find out their spouse left them/child died/etc and now they're too depressed to fight or even really care about their own illness and go into decline, even though they seemed like they were getting better before. It just rings a little truer with me than someone healthy just keeling over from a broken heart.

Although on the other hand, there is also broken heart syndrome, which has symptoms similar to a heart attack but doesn't include a blocked artery. Instead, it causes part of your heart to enlarge and not pump very well, which can lead to heart muscle failure. Plus, as far as we know so far, it's caused by strong emotion (like the type Jenn experiences in this story from the sudden loss of her best friend and love of her life).

But also, people don't usually die from it. Although conceivably someone maybe could. It's just not likely to happen, especially since it's easily treatable.

Watch your tenses! Sometimes they didn't match up. If Jenn is telling us this story present-tense, after the coma, it makes sense that anything that occurred before the coma is written as past test, like the opening.

I remember the last time I saw you since my dreadfully silent coma.

You smiled because of a stupid joke I told you. The joyful little curls in your brown hair bounced a bit when you sat up, off my porch swing. You hugged me, and it felt like a million moons had blessed me. Your sweet toothy grin will always hold a special place in my memory. I told you that I loved you, so you kissed me. I saw you in a new light for the first time. It was as if you had grown angel wings and sprouted a halo out of the top of your head. Your soft, caring eyes gleamed with the most care and love I've ever seen.


So see, there the "I remember" is present-tense, while the rest is in past tense because it took place before the current narration. Or you can write the whole thing in past tense, if you want. But whichever you choose, make sure it's consistent when you go back over things to edit. Like this part, which is mostly in past tense but slips into present tense now and then.

My vision faded from complete darkness to extreme light, and I slowly gained some sort of consciousness. I was laying on the hard bed in the chamber cell that is a hospital. My head hurt because of a light overhead that was infiltrating my vision. I squint to see the blurry silhouette of my parents. My mom's short, round figure looks like it has been welded into my dad's giant Goliath-sized frame. She had her head rest upon his shoulder, and they were sleeping in the hospital room chairs.


See? Where I put words in bold, you slipped into present tense, but the rest of the paragraph is in past tense, even though the whole paragraph is part of the same moment in the hospital.

Finally, the relationship between Max and Jenny. Well, until we found out their names toward the end of the story, I thought the narrator was a boy and the "you" was a girl, mostly because of this paragraph.

You smiled because of a stupid joke I told you. The joyful little curls in your brown hair bounced a bit when you sat up, off my porch swing. You hugged me, and it felt like a million moons had blessed me. Your sweet toothy grin will always hold a special place in my memory. I told you that I loved you, so you kissed me. I saw you in a new light for the first time. It was as if you had grown angel wings and sprouted a halo out of the top of your head. Your soft, caring eyes gleamed with the most care and love I've ever seen.


Kudos for turning the tables by describing a male love interest the way a female love interest is usually described--I like it when that sort of thing is undermined--but it would help to have something to determine that I was totally wrong about this. Actually just their names would be cool. Kind of funny we know the name of a kid who isn't actually in the story (Cory) long before we know the names of the main character and her best friend.

But mostly I feel like if this paragraph had been more about the little things Jenna loved that were unique to Max--as opposed to more general or widespread or usual things like "sweet toothy grin" and "angel wings" and "a halo" and "soft, caring eyes"--I might have mourned him a little more. What color are his soft, caring eyes? Can you describe that color by comparing it to something interesting, maybe something relating to Max or the story in another way?

(i.e. if his eyes were grey and you said something like "your eyes, the color of a knife blade," and it would be this subtle foreshadowing too because he gets stabbed with a knife later. That would be awesome. Oops, I mean sad.)

His smile is sweet and toothy, but are the teeth straight and even, or are they crooked? Is there a gap? Braces? Invisalign? What does their kiss feel like? How do he and Jenna spend their time together when they're not kissing? Did they meet on the porch specifically to confess their love for each other, or do they meet on the porch every day for other activities? What are those activities?

You don't have to include answers to all of these questions, or even answers to these questions. But including some details like that in that first paragraph--or throughout the story, as Jenna remembers Max and waits to hear from him before she knows he's dead--will make it a lot sadder when Max is stabbed and, later, when we find out he's gone.

Also, side note that's almost pointless, but I have to say it..."unflattering Porsche?" I mean...I guess it could be, but...a Porsche is supposed to be a really, really nice car, isn't it?

Actually, on that note, I feel like it would help make us sadder about Max's death if you hinted more strongly at the incident with Cory. Like, okay, you tell us it was an accident or that Max "told him not to do it," but all we know is that Cory committed suicide, and his sister claims Max told him TO do it, so. You know. Like I don't know what to actually think. We don't need an entire flashback with details, but maybe a quick glimpse of what happened, or Max's horror afterward. Something to let us know that it really wasn't his fault, that he may even have tried to prevent it.






Thank you so so so much for this! I will be sure to implement this into future writings :D I honestly do appreaciate it!



User avatar


Points: 148
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sun Sep 25, 2016 11:23 pm
ImagineWolf008 says...







"Honestly, I think the world is going to end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices."
— Dean Winchester