Chapter 2: Briefing
Mason
“Got a new job for you,” muffled Officer Riley because of the sausages and eggs in his mouth.
“Pardon?” I asked, barely hearing what he was saying.
“New job,” he said more clearly after he properly chewed and swallowed his food.
“Lemme guess. Finding the cat that ran away from Mrs. Downing,” sarcasm escaped from my mouth.
“A murder case, I want to you to go to the murder scene and find out what happened.”
“You’re giving me a murder case?” I asked shocked because this is the first time since last year that they’ve given me a serious job.
“Yes, and you’ll be working with another officer.”
That’s when he made his appearance. He was dark skinned but had brownish grey eyes. He was also wearing a black long coat with a white shirt, and a red tie. With one look at him, I could tell that he wasn’t a normal officer.
“Detective Mason Marshall, pleased to be you’re acquaintance,” I said introducing myself the most formal way I could . I raised my hand in a fast way so he couldn’t help but look at it. He frowned for a split second then smiled and shook it.
“Special officer James Parker, I look forward to working with you,” he said just as politely if not politer.
“Now that we are all here I can brief you properly about the case,” said Officer Riley.
“Basically, there’s been a murder down on Crescent Avenue. Two murders, actually. The victims were both women, both single and were on their way back from the local bar. We have no active suspects, it could’ve been the perfect case but the killer left a clue.”
“What was it?” I said, asking the question on mine and James’ minds.
“A card on each of the bodies, saying "Let the games begin" with the initial M next to it.”
We all allowed silence to enter the room.
“So it seems like someone intends to play mind games,” said James, interrupting the silence.
“That’s what I want you two to figure out; who did and take them down. Before anything escalates, try to get it done in 48 hours, if possible, we don’t need the media to know about this.”
“You’re dismissed. Good luck,” said Officer Riley, finishing off his briefing.
I nodded my head, and headed for the door, James soon followed.
“Where to first, detective?” Said James as we were both walking through the OPF (Official Police Force) hallway.
“To the café, I’m starving.”
Chapter 3: Criminal Minds
Jake
“Yeah, I killed those two,” said Jake, letting his voice trail off.
“At least I got the first kill of the game,” continued Jake, reassuring himself.
He was in a bar with three other contestants who were too weak and scared to make a move. Unlike him, he saw the opportunity and took it. He even killed them with his bare hands. Talk about winner material, thought Jake.
“I’d like to see any of you take charge,” said Jake, taunting his opposition.
“If it wasn’t for the rules trust me all of you would be dead right now,” said Samson.
Despite the name sounding so manly, his voice was the opposite. He had a high pitched voice as if his voice started to break but never finished.
“Oh really? Because your voice really makes it hard for me to take you seriously,” said Elijah a huge brute who always talked like he is the best but has no action to back it up.
“Actions speak louder than words and you seem quiet in the action department Elijah,” said Cobalt, a guy no one really knows much about other than his stupid nickname he created for himself.
“If you’re so keen on takin' action why don’t you do it and stop being a hypocrite. Cobain,” said Elijah in a mocking tone.
“It’s Cobalt,” said Cobalt, correcting him. “And I will, and we will see who the competitor that takes charge is,” said Cobalt, glancing at Jake in the process.
Then without warning he got up and slowly walked to the bathroom.
“So that’s Cobalts’ game, I never knew he was such a creep that he’d end up killing people in a cubicle stall. So unoriginal,” said Jake, smirking because he knew that it was probably the most obvious place to get caught. And murdering someone in a crowded bar wasn’t smart either.
Cobalt came out exactly a minute after he had gone in. And walked straight back to the table bumbing into people in the process
“Hey, did ya wash your hands after the took your dump?” Said Elijah, ridiculing him
“Three people will die in ten seconds,” said Cobalt.
Jake thought he was joking, but he had the most serious face Jake had ever seen.
“All of you look to your left.”
They all looked to the left, there were three people sitting in a row at the bar.
“Now in 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.”
Simultaneously the three at the bar collapsed and their bodies slumped and dropped to the floor lazily.
Jakes mouth opened in shock. Samson was quiet and so was Elijah.
People around the bar quickly became aware of the slumped bodies on the floor and more and more people gathered around the bodies. Someone shouted.
“Make way I’m a doctor.”
As if Jake hasn’t heard that one before. Someone trying to be the hero as usual.
He turned to Cobalt. Except for Cobalt wasn’t there. He left a note saying Who takes charge now? Jake rolled his eyes and took the card and crumbled it up. He got up and left, leaving the confused atmosphere around the bar. Also leaving behind Samson and Elijah, who were obviously confused by the three deaths Cobalt had just conjured up.
Just before Jake closed the door he heard.
“They're dead. Wait, what’s this card?”
Jake smiled and remembered one of the rules that Max insisted that they followed.
After every kill make sure you leave the cards that I’ve given to you on the bodies.
From that moment Jake decided to consider all his opponents to be up to his level.
This is gonna be tough.
Hello there! Here to review your work on this very fine review day! I will review as I read so that it will make much more sense for both me and you. I tend to ramble otherwise, get mixed up and generally forget some good points that I've been saving up. (SEE! RAMBLING!)
HERE WE GO!
After reading you small synopsis about this chapter, I was instantly interested! You've set the story up really well and I'm glad you've started this chapter with dialogue. My FAVE!
I think you need a few more commas in the opening lines. The only advice I can give you towards this is to read your work aloud. You will be able to hear where you naturally pause I guess.
“.Talk about winner material,thought Jake.” - I think that this could be changed to 'winning material'. It just makes a little more sense.
“From that moment Jake decided to consider all his opponents to be up to his level.” - I like that you've already had this character learn a lesson and he's now wiser because of it.
The only critiques I can think to give you is to check some of your wording, your commas and to make your chapters a little longer! You could have dragged out the scene with the appearing bodies a lot longer and made it more suspenseful. I want to get a real insight into these men.
I also believe that you can sometimes give up your secrets a little too quickly. Hold your own cards to your chest for a while.
Good luck and I look forward to reading some more soon!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
Hi Imaginator,
I like the story you have here and it's a very interesting idea. I will be interested to see where you take this. One thing that would be nice for the reader know, would be the game rules themselves. We know one, about the cards. But it's nice to know what's going one exactly to some point.
Realism. We like stories to be realistic because it then seems more likely to be a life that we could live. A path we could've taken ourselves if we so choose to. One thing I found a bit unrealistic was that the Officer hoped the murder case could be wrapped up in 48 hours. It's a possibility, but rare. In fact it usually takes much longer because even brining in results for DNA can take extremely long, and there's the use of the forensics crew and everything. 48 hours for a murder case, definitely too little an estimate. Maybe leave that bit out? Another point on realism: would no one notice all these men staring in the direct direction of the murder before it happens? They would need to be more discreet.
Now, I have a problem with the show not tell rule here. Do these criminals really feel absolutely nothing after murdering people? I would like to feel someone's slight guilt. I would like to feel someone's vague fear of the other criminals who have big names standing next to him. A drip of sweat that rolls down a mans forehead as he waits for the men he killed to keel over. I want more emotion! I want more feelings! I want to feel whatever the characters and feeling themselves! I also can see more emotion when the Officer is surprised that he has a proper case. I want to revel in his shock.
I really liked the last line of the whole chapter: this is gonna be tough. It seems like the speakers almost saying it with a sigh, and it's something that makes me want to read the next chapter
Keep writing and looking forwards to more!
Deanie x
Hey Imaginator16,
To start with I liked your plot, I have got a feeling the story is going to be even more ineresting, exciting and suspensing.
The tile you chose for the story is very simple, very describing and very interesting. The title is catchy and it would catch most of the readers. The plot itself would grip any reader and never let go of him.
However you've got some spelling mistakes that you should give more atention to next time.
besides, your chapters are so short, try to elongate the next chapters.
That thing with the cards is soooooooooo awesome. You are a brilliant writer. Hope to see new chapters soon.
Best wishes.