Chapter 1: The Game
Max
The grand hall. In all its glory was filled with crooks, thugs, and villains; True Competitors. They are the only type of people who have the mindset to truly understand what I am about to tell them.
“How many of them?” I asked my assistant.
“Approximately 150 criminals,” she replies immediately.
“Good. Be sure to notify them of my appearance.”
The assistant nodded and left the room. I looked down to see the competitors warily eyeing each other out. Suspicious stares all around. They don’t trust each other. Good. It’ll make the game more interesting. Now they seem to be taking their seats.
“They are waiting.”
My heart jumped at the sudden voice behind me. I looked back to see my emotionless assistant standing a few feet behind me.
“Please, let me know when you’re about to enter the room,” I said and sighed, because that was the fifth time she’s done it today.
She nodded and moved swiftly to open the door for me. I got up quickly and walked towards the exit. With every step down the stairs, my excitement raised with it. As soon as my feet left the stairs the biggest grin erupted on my face. I walked towards the stage, and faced all of them. What these people were about to hear will change their lives. Either in a good way or in a bad way.
“Good evening,” my voice echoed throughout the hall. “I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay hear in Cuba. The reason why I invited you all is because I want you all to partake in a game.”
I paused to see the reaction; they all seemed confused.
“The game you are about to play has the best reward I can think of. If you can complete this game without expiring, giving up, or getting caught. I promise whoever is the remaining winner, I will give you all of the fortune I own.”
Excited chuckles replaced the confusion.
I smiled to myself. They don’t even know the rules of the game yet.
“I’m sure you all know who I am, how much I’m worth, and what I do. But one thing I’ve never accomplished is hosting the greatest game the world’s ever seen.”
“What I want you to do is to simply kill,” I said calmly
As soon as I finished the saying the word “kill” one of them got out, and left, and a minute later the majority of the audience left, leaving approximately twenty people left. Of course I had been expecting this and that is the reason why I had one hundred armed automatic machine guns ready at the press of a button. I dug my hand into my pocket and acquired the button that activates them. I nodded at the two guards by the door and they locked it. Then I held up the button so that the remaining alive competitors could see. My thumb gently slammed into the death button. Almost immediately a quiet thudding sound seeped into the grand hall. And screams and wails ejected from the same area. It took a good five minutes before the noise died down.
“Anybody else, interested in leaving?” I asked knowing full well the answer.
No answer.
“I’ll take that as a no, then,” I said calmly. “Since there’s not that many of you there is a certain city I want you to compete in.”
To start off, I found your story interesting....I found it to be very mysterious, and it piqued my interest. I liked the idea of putting criminals together and fight to the death, it's a good twist (in some stories, in a "death game" there are innocent people who have to learn to kill for survival whereas criminals don't really have that problem--if they're murderers). It's a good premise.
There were a few things that I would like to point out. It might just be a typo, but there are some words that are connected together, instead of being separated by spaces (EX: "Almost immediately a quietthuddingsound"--instead of "Almost immediately a quiet thudding sound"). Just go through the story again and double-check for any more.
Also, I would like to see more of Max's emotions, thoughts, and motivations... What's the point of doing this? Justice? Revenge? Entertainment? Insanity? Definitely elaborate more so the reader can understand his actions.
Good organization.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider
Hey there, Imaginator, I spotted that you'd posted in the Team Fire Flower forum asking for reviews, and so I figured I'd come check it out and review it for you. You do seem to have a bucket load of reviews on it already so I'm not sure how helpful I'll be if everyone else has covered everything, but I should hopefully be able to help you out at least a little bit. I won't bother with nit-picks because they're not really necessary, and are a bit time consuming, so I'll just jump straight into my overall opinion. I'll start with what I like about this piece, and then move on to some critiques and suggestions for you.
After reading this opening chapter, this novel seems like it could be a seriously interesting one. I love how your main character isn't one for us readers to love because he's breaking the mould by being darker than your typical narrator. I'm really intrigued to find out where you take his character, and where you'll take this story as a whole actually because it has definitely caught my interest. This feels like a very promising chapter as a whole, and I think it's a great set up for the rest of the novel because it's given us readers an idea of what may be to come. Well done!
As for critiques and suggestions, one quick thing I want to bring up before I really get into them is that I couldn't help noticing that you had a lot of typos happening throughout this. Not necessarily spelling mistakes or anything, but words where you may have slipped on the keyboard or something and so you accidentally typed the wrong letter. This is an easy problem to fix, so don't fret. If you don't have a programme such as Microsoft Word that has a built in spellchecker then there are plenty of spellcheckers online that you can use. Simply google for one, use it, and then post your work on this site. Simples.
Now when it comes to juicier critiques, I find it a little odd that so many of these criminals would leave at the mere mention of the word kill. Perhaps I've just envisioned them wrong, but I assumed they were all pretty hardcore criminals who may have killed before among other really bad crimes. If that is the case then it's very unlikely so many would leave at such a suggestion. Even if they are just petty criminals though, I still find them leaving so soon strange. If someone proposed for me to kill, while I obviously wouldn't actually do it, I would stay just to find out what the hell said person is on about and to find out if said person is crazy for requesting such a thing. I wouldn't just casually walk out and be like, nahhhhh.
On a sort of related note, something you need a lot more of, in my opinion, is detail. Adding more detail could fix the previous critique I brought up because if you perhaps explained what kind of criminals these people are and the way in which they left the room, it may become more believable that so many did leave so early. As well as that one issue though, adding detail would benefit the chapter in plenty of other places too. Right now everything seems a bit vague and random, and I'm desperate to have some explanations regarding some things. Who even is the main character? Is he a killer himself? What made this guy decide to collect a load of criminals in Cuba and get them all to kill each other? This relates to something Hannah said, so I won't stress on it, but it definitely is something you need to consider.
Now the last critique I have for you is actually about the whole idea of this because as it stands right now, it sounds impeccably similar to ideas such as the The Hunger Games trilogy and the movie, Battle Royal. The idea in these two specific examples is of a big group of people being ordered to kill each other until one person remains by an authoritative figure that rules them... and that is almost exactly what this looks like it may be. There's nothing wrong with having a similar idea, but you just have to be really careful not to end up copying the plots of anything that's already out there because if people begin comparing your work to another piece of work, it will lose a lot of interest. I mean, people will have already seen it before, y'know? This is the first chapter so I will hold back my assumptions, but it's definitely something you need to be careful of.
And I think that's it! Negatives aside, I can see that this piece has a great deal of potential and I am definitely intrigued to find out what the future of this novel holds. If you execute it well and make sure that it's original, I think you'll end up with something great. If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate to let me know. Just post on my wall, drop me a private message, pop up to me on chat, or reply to this review. I shall try and get back to you as soon as possible!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
If all the people there were criminals, why would any of them leave? I'm not challenging the reality of your story, but I think it would be beneficial to explain to the reader why and how they leave. Are they grumbling about being taken advantage of by some fancy-smancy business man, and aren't about to put up with his crap? Are they just thieves and money launderers and non-lethal criminals who aren't up to that kind of stuff?
Who are the people that stay? Are they still excited? Are they listening intently, or eyeing the door and thinking maybe they should be next? Why would the guy in charge let SO MANY of them leave if he wanted them to compete. Wouldn't he just shoot the first person out and let the rest stay in fear? Or was he waiting to have a massacre? Show some of his intent.
How would he have gotten so many criminals in one place? Where is this place? Why would they agree to his invite? If they knew who he was and didn't agree with him, why would they come in the first place?
Lastly, definitely please describe the kind of leader we're dealing with. Is he a thug just like the other criminals, or a suave business man that's never killed someone with a gun in his own hands in his life? Is he crazy, or does he seem trustworthy? Is he handsome or ugly? What's he wearing and what's the scenery like?
Oh my gosh, I'm going crazy with all the questions I have about this opening, but I am definitely interested in how the game will play out. I'd also like to know the city they're going to be in and why. Color me interested!
Haha, so yes. PM me if you post another section, have questions or comments about my review, or if there's anything else you'd like looked at.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hello! Your captain Iggy here to review!
First thing I noticed is how cramped it can get when you forget to space after something is italicized.What am I talking about,you ask?This is what I mean. I suggest you go through and space out the italicized parts from the non-italicized parts.
This sounds rather weird and off putting. I doubt that anyone really thinks that sort of stuff; it's equivalent to thinking "I am eating my food. I am undressing for a shower. I am breathing in oxygen as breathing out carbon dioxide." See what I mean? Don't just tell us, show us! Describe the scene; for instance, one thug shoves the other out of the way as they move to claim a seat. Bam! That tells us right away that the criminals are taking their seats.
Be sure to add a comma after "stairs".
1. "People were about"
2. A good way to rewrite these sentences is to obliterate the second one entirely, add a comma after "lives", and continue with "for better or for worse".
That's "here", not "hear".
1. Again with those cramped words. Go through and fix them all, because there is more, but it's quite tendious for me to quote them all.
2. That first sentence is what English professors call a "dependent clause". That means that it cannot stand on its own as a sentence, the way it's written is wrong. You'll need to find a way to combine those two together, to make it indepedant.
But you just said, at the beginning, that the room was filled with crooks, thugs, and villains. I thought they lived for this?
Remove that comma.
Well! We can tell already that this "Max" is the worst often all; cruel and merciless, killing dozens of men with a single press of a button! I hope to hear more from him, as he seems to be a sadistic and malicious.
As stated above, one of your weakest points is rereading your work after you submit it. When you go through and reread it, you'll find mistakes and grammar errors that your computer never picked up on, and if you ha done that. Then there wouldn't be so many cramped words. Now is a good time to fix the ones stated above, as well as others, because I didn't quote them all. Go through and reread it.
This looks rather curious and promising, so do not disappoint! You rated it 18+, so I want to see descriptive imagery! Gore, guts, violence, language, the works! Don't hold back. ^^
Let me know when the next chapter is up!
~ Iggy.
Hello there, A Boy from the Future is here to review your precious work on this great review day...
So let's start with some nitpicks...
It seems like few words joined with other words or there is less spacing given.Okay, let me give you an example:-
there is no spacing in between "that" and "was"
similarly I found the same problem in many areas which I am going to list here:-
People were about
take part or participate(though partake is also right)
of the fortune
chuckles replaced
quiet thudding sound
That's all I found here. Anyway my final words...
I really like the storyline and I'd say that you've done a great job.You've great potential so keep on writing. There is nothing to worry as the mistakes I rectified as simply spacing errors.Anyway, I wanna more of this story so please let me know when you post the next part.Keep up the good work.
With Best Wishes
-gauravkundu32-
Hello, Imag! Here to review
I was really excited when I saw the title and description because I could get a sort of inkling of what it was about. It terms of the actual plot line, I was certainly not disappointed. I’m a real sucker for action novels like this, and I really like your story line! I also think that the pacing was quite good with this. Now onto improvements…
Firstly, what I noticed quite quickly was the length of this. It was rather short, and I think it could do with being a bit longer. And this would give you space to firstly: explain things in more detail. I was a bit confused a lot of the time and I think it was purely based on the lack of descriptions and explanations as of what is going on. And secondly, maybe talk about characters a bit more? I know this is only the chapter one, so there is much more to learn, but I think your characters needed proper introductions just so I as a reader can keep track of what is going on.
Secondly, this is more of a grammar/nitpick type point. Okay so there were a lot of cases where you missed about the spaces between two or three words so then they all became clumped together. It’s not a major issue, but something worth mentioning- try and look out for these thing more when you’re editing! And the other thing is your tenses, at the beginning especially was a bit all over the place. Tenses can be quite tricky, but I think the thing to do is to pick a tense (either present or past, past is easier) and just stick to it! For example here:
Now, I have underlined the endings here, and the fact that they are different tenses! It’s just something to watch out for. If you’re having particular trouble with tenses then feel free to PM me about it and I’d be happy to help!
Lastly, I noticed that a lot of this piece was in dialogue. I really think dialogue is something that shouldn’t be overused and more something that is used when really needed- or to help show and not tell. I also noticed that the dialogue you did use wasn’t very natural. I’ve had problems in the past with this too. I think the best thing to do is to, as weird as it seems, pay close attention to how people around you talk and try and pick up on it when you’re writing your own dialogue. It might sound a bit odd, but trust me it really works!
Anyways, I hope this helped! PM me if you’d like another review.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x