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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey there, Imaginator. Nice job hopping into poetry. Be sure to read some from your fellow YWSers to get a taste for what their poetry is like. It's like a big happy poetry community around here! I'd love to see you at a poetry workshop or in the poetry tips and discussion forum!
But now, on to the piece. c:
This was what hooked me on your poem and got me on your side:
I love that you didn't decide to go the simple, over-done route of "good versus evil", but put it in an age perspective. With this, you made it clear that when we're children, we switch and switch and we can be both. In the opinion of the poem, there's a time, though, when we decide which side we belong to.
That said, I think the second and third poems are pretty weak because they did exactly what I didn't want them to do: only examine the stereotypical elements of good v. evil instead of letting me think in a new way about them. What might be nice would writing poems about two children, instead? Completely unrelated? You could write about their actions and what classifies them as evil or good at that moment. This way, we stick with your theme of youth while getting images and stories instead of worn-out philosophy.
Maybe?
Other than that, I also recommend taking all line breaks out of your poem and punctuating it like prose. Right now you don't really have any punctuation at all, so that'll help you get on the right track.
PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review.
Good luck and keep writing!
What a fantastic title ahhahaah
But you really have something to say. You're poems are beautiful.
That's some serious poetry ^ Beautifully done! Just some corrections:
Original : With content or with jealousy
Corrected: With contentment or with jealousy
and
Original : At that moment is when you realize what side you belong to
Corrected: That's the moment when you realize what side you belong to
The Evil poem is alright. The Good poem is cute! What I liked the most is the honesty in these poems. You haven't tried to decorate or exaggerate them but speak in a simple and innocent voice.
Hugs!
S
This is a wonderful poem, I could read it over and over again, it's vary deep and spiritually empowering.
It's easy to read, and there doesn't seem to be any grammar flaws that I can see.
I hope to see some more of your work. Good job!
Hey Gin!
~ I thought you were trying to force a rhyme here, but then you went into a free-verse poem, so 'meek' just seems a bit of an odd choice.Shady here with an attempted review. I don't venture into the poetry side of reviewing much, but I'll give it my best shot!
I'll split my comments up.
Poem 1
I liked this one quite a bit.
Watch your first lines, though:
~ 'With content' is an odd way to say something. It should be either merely "Content or with jealousy" or "With Contentment or with jealousy", though, honestly, I like the second one best.
I think you summed up human nature very well with it. "And watch the other, with contentment or with jealousy" is very nice. It sort of illustrates that we *can't* stay neutral, that we *do* pick a side, and that we're not always content on the side we pick. Very nice.
Poems 2+3
I like the contrast-- but these are really brief, and..I'm not really sure about them. I'd like a bit more body to them, but then, I'm not really experienced with poetry (especially not free-verse), so if someone else disagrees, then I might be wrong.
Anyway. I liked the first one the best, but I enjoyed all three.
Hope it helped.
Keep writing!
~Shady
The first poem was fantastic! The meaning behind it was frank yet dark. This one was my favorite of the three. I hope to see more like this one!
The second poem was good too. This is true and has an eerily honest tone. It set me on edge. The only thing I would have to point out is the second and third line. The double use of the words 'slave' and 'time' make it sound slightly redundant. Possibly, synonyms could be used. Other than that, this was a superb poem.
The third poem had and original idea behind it. I think there should have been a question mark at the end of line 8 and commas at the end of lines 3-7. That might make it easier to read. Overall, this was a good poem and I liked what you did with it. You good at poetry. Keep it up!
Thank you