Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Chapter 1:
Sunlight pierced through the crack of the wooden roof and woke up Leo as he was down in his usual sleeping position.
He looked to the other side of the room to see that Levi had already woken up.
Leo’s back cracked as he stood up from the floor and started to fold the blankets. Levi walked in already dressed.
“Come on, our running starts now. Hurry up and get changed.”
Leo followed his orders in silence, speeding up his pace of taking getting ready and walking briskly outside, to take his daily dip in the lake across from the homemade shack of a house they created.
It was just them since their parents had died protecting the village from the bandits that visit yearly. Unusually, since the death of the parents they’ve stopped. It’s been 16 years since the passing of their martial artist masters and the village has been in relative peace.
Leo doesn’t remember much of his parents death. His brother and himself sat in the very hut he was about to walk out of and waited in silence, as profanities broke the silence and worried them more. One loud crack ended the noise, and their father slowly opened the door and dropped face down. At the age of 7, Levi, Leo’s older brother knew that he wasn’t going to get back up again.
The 1 year old Leo, who saw his beloved father on the floor, leak out red liquid cried at the thought of the fiendish blood touching him. Levi, stood there, soaking in the confusion and loss. Barefooted, he walked over his fathers body, stepping on his warm blood which washed over his feet as he continued to make his way quietly to the entrance of the hut. Levi looked out to see men face down in the grass. Unmoving. He looked around to see his mother next to unknown face both laying on the ground. She was dead. Her eyes were open and mouth agape. Levi vomited and-
“Let’s go!” Shouted Levi, interrupting Leo’s thoughts.
Ironically, it was at that moment during the story where Levi said “I don’t remember the rest”
Leo quickly sprinted towards the lake and somersaulted into the cold wet breeze as the water rushed through his nasal passage causing him to retreat back to surface. The hot stare of the sun glazed over Leo as he pushed himself up from the lake, rolled on the grass and accepted the suns blissful invitation.
After 5 minutes he realized his brother had already started his daily run.
“Crap” spat Leo as he hastily got up and sprinted towards the narrow path in between the cluttered trees. He increased his speed fully so that he would be able to keep up. He could feel the wet martial arts garbs cling on to his body.
He eventually caught up, and slowed down. Just as he began to relax, Levi sped up and widened the distance between them. Confident that Levi sped up to punish his lateness, Leo grinned and accepted the challenge. He sprinted faster and remained parallel to his brother and continued to do so until they reached the village. Leo dropped in the middle of the village center and looked up at the wooden poles… What were they for? A question he never asked anyone but himself. He always assumed it was there to show travelers that a village was nearby.
“Maybe we’ll get some visitors soon” He said to himself.
After 3 minutes he got up and walked around the village and made it back to the small shack where Levi, stood there and waited.
“You ready?” Said Levi calmly.
“We’re fighting already?” replied Leo, surprised but excited to get his daily sparring session going.
“No, we’re going for another run”
And with that Levi, turned and sprinted past him, going down the same narrow path once again.
Leo sighed and followed...
The wind rustled the subtle grass, as it looked up into the dark sky, past the stems of the meticulous flowers, pass the branches that belonged to the elderly trees, and past the parched leaves that were pleading for rain. The quiet grass stared up into the delicate eyes of the moon. Which looked down on all things, especially the two martial artists facing each other off. The inhabitants of the silent forest quietly watched as the two of them began to spar for their entertainment.
"One, two... THREE!"
A barrage of fists flew towards a boy's face, he ducked and weaved into the routine he was precisely taught a few minutes ago. He quickened the pace of his movement as he moved from right to left and up and down, which caused him to see the fists coming his way.
As he started to anticipate the direction of every potentially crushing fist, Leo’s mind grew complacent to the assailants left leg, which slammed against his thigh. The pain immobilized him, which allowed the assailants' eager fists to slam into Leo's face, not once, but twice. The second time his brother's fist connected with his face, Leo felt his nose retreat back into his face which caused him to immediately reel back writhing in pain.
Leo dropped to the soft grass, which was his only comfort during the immediate pain his nose was causing.
"AGAIN!"
And again he rose up, despite the pain pinching at his thigh and yelling at his face. Leo prepared himself for the 180th time. To face his far more superior brother, once again. But this time, he was going to do it with a broken nose.
"Fuck, my nose is broken. You do realize that, right?"
"Focus, Leo".
"I can't fucking focus when my nose is broken, Levi!"
Levi sighed, turned, and walked away, leaving his younger brother to console his broken nose in the forest.
The moon was shining. They had been practicing since afternoon. Levi's expression changed from satisfaction to slight confusion as he saw sudden smoke rising from the village, the smoke was only to be released during emergencies. His confused expression turned into worry as his eyes widened, he thought of the worst possible reasons for the smoke. A fight? A fire? Bandits? As he sprinted down to the village his mind raced in panic with more dangerous thoughts. He stopped 500 feet away from the entrance of his small humble village to find men dressed in commoner garbs rounding up the villagers.
"Bandits" breathed Leo, who followed him immediately after he started running.
One of the many men looked back, and noticed them staring. He showed off his rotting teeth, in an attempt to intimidate the young boys, as he began to take quick steps towards them. Brandishing his sword with no hesitation.
"Are we going to fight all of them?" whispered Leo
In response, Levi raised his fists, bent his knees, breathed deeply, and relaxed his slightly tensed muscles. He looked straight ahead towards the oncoming bandit, who was crazily waving his sword in an attempt to intimidate the already trained martial artists.
"Levi, are we-"
Leo's older brother, dashed towards the bandit, and caught him off guard, since he was already in front of him. Leo watched silently as his usually, stoic, poised brother, aggressively slammed his fists into the man's, gut, and arm, with such speed and power that the man was unconscious before Levi's fist could reach his face. He dropped to the ground with a dull thud.
Levi looked back with eyes that answered Leo's previous question.
Silenced by his older brother’s cold answer, he silently followed him towards the invaded village. Terrified by the bandits, but more terrified by his brother.
“Defend yourself”, Said Levi, quietly as he walked towards the organized mayhem.
Leo followed quickly, staying right behind him as he increased the pace, and kept his tight composure as he always did before he fought.
He stretched into orthodox stance which involved his right leg moving forward, his left leg the pivot. So it stayed exactly where it was. His arms up, and bent, parallel from each other. His hands, balled up into fists of fury.
He bent his knees ever so slightly, before sprinting into action. The soft grass ripped from the soil as the current of the wind changed due to his sudden movement.
Leo watched him sprint towards the startled bandits. Leo’s eyes widened as he was not surprised by his brothers actions, but the manner of how he attacked and approached the criminals.
Levi reeled his right arm back before catching one of the men with his fist and unleashed his fury into that single man. The others, who surrounded him stared at the sheer animosity of his brothers actions.
Levi’s composure dropped with every hit. Every punch, dragged the usual self control that reflected through Levi away.
Leo sprinted towards the fray to fight, but was quickly blindsided by the crooks, and was thrown to the side as they focused their evil intentions towards his brother. They ripped him away from the almost dead bandit and attacked.
Leo’s eyes widened in horror as they threw away their weapons to kick, punch spit and just plain brutalize his older brother.
Leo sprinted frantically towards his brother. Afraid that he’ll lose him, only to feel a bone crushing blow to the side of his face which instantly caused darkness. But not before he felt the stinging blow of defeat.
Levi was fighting to stay conscious but dark spots of blood lined into his vision as all he could see was fists raining down on him.
“msdgsd” Was the reply he could muster as his cheeks and mouth were swollen and filled up his blood mixed with regret.
As soon as Levi stopped moving the bandits stopped. Spat insults and began to drag him and his younger brother towards the middle of the village to set an example out of these two...
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hello! Here as requested! (I know you only mentioned the second part, but I thought I'd go ahead and review both since they're both hanging out in the green room)
I read this through once and I had a little trouble following the plot (maybe because I read too quickly :p), but also think the writing was a little jumpy. I'm going to read through it again and give my thoughts as I go
Loved this opening line until the underlined part. I thought the underlined part was confusing. Down in his usual sleeping position? What does that mean? What's his usual sleeping position? Down where?
Liked the subtle detail in that first line. I thought Levi and Leo were in the same room because you said looked over and saw that Levi was already awake. I took that to mean Levi was lying there, awake. Guess it meant he wasn't in his bed? I would add that detail in when you mention Levi is already awake.
Who is saying this?
Loooong sentence. Can you think of where to break it up?
Also, he's about to go for a swim? I thought his brother said they were about to go for a run.
All of this is unnecessary right now because it's an info-dump. You want to create some mystery in the first couple of chapters, so if you tell us all about the back story of your main characters, we might be less motivated to read on and discover what their story. You know? Also, in a first chapter I want to get to know your characters, get introduced to the world, and get right into the plot. You don't want to waste any time going over backstory yet. This will come out naturally when it needs to
So if you take out the backstory part (save it somewhere so you can refer to it later), then this little part will have to change too. Really, you could leave in Levi's dialogue but take out the "interrupting Leo's thoughts" part and then the next line.
This is a little too flowery (colorful adjectives) for my taste.
Hmm, is it really important that Leo takes a little swim and then joins his brother? Is his brother going to get mad at him or something? I'm a little confused as to why Leo takes a little swim in the first place when his brother said it was time for their run.
How far away from his brother is he?
I think you could combine these two sentences. To me, the read a little clunky (especially the first sentence). You could try something like "Once he caught up he felt he could relax a little and slow down, but then Levi sped up and widened the distance between them."
I liked this paragraph up until this part. It felt very abrupt. I would start a new paragraph and describe them running into the village to transition. Then maybe describe the village - I want to be able to visualize where they are. Paint me a picture. Then go into what Leo does.
I also thought the underlined part was awkwardly worded.
So this is his village? Where did they run from? Have then just been running around their village? How big is it? You could add in more descriptions about the setting throughout.
I don't think the exact time information is necessary. You could say "after some time" or "eventually"
I would like some information about tone here. I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not seeing as they were just running. How far have they gone already? Was this little pit stop just a break? Maybe Levi could say "ready to keep going" and then Leo could be annoyed or something that they're not about to start sparring. It might help make it clearer it's thought of as a continuation of the first run rather than a second.
You don't need the ellipses.
I liked this paragraph for about the first half and thought the descriptions were great and then I thought it was too flowery again.
Also, I thought they were running. Did they run to another area and then start to spar? I would like more description about where they went and the transition from running to sparring.
A boy's face? Which boy's face?
He was just taught how to do this? Back to the transition thing - I would like more information about where they are and how they went from running to sparring. You've been showing a lot (which is great), now you could do a telling paragraph to transition. Something like "after running [time or distance information] they reached [location]. [brief description of location]. [What do they do when they get there]. [Brief description of Levi teaching Leo things]. Then they start to spar for real." Only prettier than that :p
I really liked this fight description!
The underlined part - huh? That made no sense to me.
The second sentence (starting at Leo) - they've gone out it 180 times? Is that an exaggeration? I would say so.
The last sentence is a fragment, you need a subject.
I liked this (including the whole paragraph that "as he sprinted..." is a part of). The only thing I would change, would be to include Leo in this. I thought only Levi was there and then I was oh! Leo's here too! Incorporate him into that first paragraph more so we know they're both there
I thought this line was awkwardly worded. Try reading it out loud and see what you think.
Confusing wording.
That description before this about the stance was Leo's stance, right?
I would signify here that "him" is Levi, just for clarity.
Even though this is in third person, you've been focusing on Leo and his thoughts and emotions and whatnot throughout this - so jumping into Levi's head here is a little jarring. How does Leo know that Levi is fighting to stay conscious?
That second sentence is a fragment (you need a subject). How did they get hold of Leo?
Interesting premise here! I'm curious to see how you'll develop this more. A couple of big picture thoughts:
1. Overall, I thought you had some nice descriptive moments in there, just make sure it doesn't get too flowery and over-the-top with adjectives. There were moments I thought you could use some more description, but I already talked about those
2. Also mentioned this earlier, but be mindful of your transitions from one thing to another.
3. I like the character development you have going already. At first I was worried I would struggle to differentiate the two brothers because their names are similar, but you did a nice job reminding us who was older and younger and I thought they had distinct personalities as well, which was helpful.
I'll leave it there for now. Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! I'll do the next part as soon as I can
Hello! Authorian here for a review~
I really love this. Like, I really, really love this. The time period isn't exact, but I have a pretty good idea of what it is all the same.
Leo is a lot of fun. He's young, a little foolish, but listens to his older brother and doesn't give up. He's a cute and very developable main character, there's so much you could do with him.
Levi has very strong character. He's constantly working and pushing his younger brother. He is very well written. I can't wait till I learn more about him.
I'd also like to say, you have a beautiful writing voice. The transitions are different than traditional transitions, but consistent to your writing. So that makes up for it. The description and action writing is very unique and I can't stop reading.
Now, for a (large) handful of nitpicks-
“Come on, our running starts now.
This wording is a little strange. Try something like- "Come on, it's time for our running. - It's more natural and easier to read.
speeding up his pace of taking getting ready
I believe that's a mistype. Remove 'taking' from the sentence.
of a house they created.
'they' would be better read as 'they'd'
It was just them since their parents had died protecting the village from the bandits that visit yearly. Unusually, since the death of the parents they’ve stopped. It’s been 16 years since the passing of their martial artist masters and the village has been in relative peace.
This whole paragraph seems very necassary to the story, but it's hard to understand. I don't even know exactly how to fix it, just rewrite the whole paragraph from scratch so that it makes more sense if you can manage it.
leak out red liquid cried at the thought
Put a ',' after 'liquid'
After 3 minutes he got up and walked
This happens several times in your work. You might have, or might not have, heard this before. But you want to have all letters in writing in numerical form. So change '3' to 'Three'.
“You ready?” Said Levi calmly.
Since it's part of the same sentence, 'Said' should not be capitalized. 'said'.
Also, 'ly' words. Calmly, slowly, carefully, dully... They're often frowned on in creative writing. It's almost considered cheating. A few here and there is okay, but you want to limit them. There's actually an online tool I use to find and fix any extra 'ly' words. I'll link you to it at the bottom of the review.
And with that Levi, turned and sprinted past him,
The comma after 'Levi' should be removed. It's not supposed to be there.
The wind rustled the subtle grass, as it looked up into the dark sky, past the stems of the meticulous flowers, pass the branches that belonged to the elderly trees, and past the parched leaves that were pleading for rain. The quiet grass stared up into the delicate eyes of the moon. Which looked down on all things, especially the two martial artists facing each other off. The inhabitants of the silent forest quietly watched as the two of them began to spar for their entertainment.
This is a 'beautiful' paragraph, and I'm sure it was fun to write and you like it, but this is just 'purple prose'. Not to be rude, but it's often viewed as dressing up writing for no reason. While I was reading it, I couldn't help but think 'was that really necassary?'. You should probably shorten it just to 'The wind blew through the grass which grew around the two martial artists, facing each other off.' And even then it is still a bit much.
"AGAIN!"
You should add a dialogue tag. ' "AGAIN!" Levi roared.
himself for the 180th time
He stopped 500 feet away from
Twice more with the number thing. 'One hundred and eightieth' and 'five hundred'.
“Defend yourself”, Said Levi, quietly as he
Remove the comma after 'Levi', it's not supposed to be there.
“msdgsd” Was the reply he could muster
Capitalize the m in 'msdgsd' since it's the beginning of a sentence. And add a comma after it, and put the w in lower case and add only inbetween 'the' and 'reply'.
' "Msdgsd," was the only reply he could muster. '
Overall, loved your story! I hope to be seeing more of it so I can find out what happens to them! Good luck!
Authorian~~
(Here's the tool for 'ly' words, it also helps with some other things. You should check it out- http://www.hemingwayapp.com/beta/index.html )