Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Leo woke up to the smell of smoke as it gingerly crawled up his nasal passage, sliding down his throat, scratching his esophagus as it began to induce a chesty cough as he became aware his surroundings. Aware that his situation was dire, aware that he was tied up on a wooden pole, above the fire of cruel intentions.
His eyes widened in horror as he realized the position he was in. He was about to be burned alive.
Frantically looking to his right, he saw Levi. Unconscious and unmoving.
The intense burn of the heat struck fear and excitement into Leo’s heart as he began to panic and forcefully tried to break the rope that bound him to the pole. Fortunately the bandits didn’t care enough to be thorough with tying the rope on him, and would rather put more emphasis on Levi.
Unusual cold sweat rolled down from the temple of his head to his chin and dripped on to the loosely tied rope.Which with three forceful tugs gave out and dropped silently into the fire, that looked more and more like a lake with its length. Before, gravity took effect, Leo quickly wrapped his hand around the wooden pole, and looked in horror but inside felt glee, as the lake of fire crawled it’s way up, incinerating parts of the pole in the process.
Leo gritted his teeth and positioned himself in a position where he would be able to land on top of the pole, slide down to where his brother was and untie him, catch him before he falls and jump out of the vicinity of the roaring fire. Leo refused to let the fire cast doubt into his mind as its presence became more known. He refused to let the fire stop him from saving his brother. he refused to let take away his one and only brother. He refused to let it take away his only chance to be the hero. He fucking rejected the thought of his brother saving him again. Not in this situation. The heat of the moment and the heat of the fire provoked Leo’s pores to open up and pour out sweat, and uncertainty.
Carrying his resolve in his heart, and the mental image of him carrying Leo out of the carnage they were in, he scrambled up to the tip of the pole, and leaned back, making sure his whole body weight was playing the factor in the bending of the pole. Terrified that he would go too far and hear a crack sound, Leo leaned forward and released himself early.
And as soon as he let go of the poorly constructed pole, he knew.
“shit shit shit shit shit shit shit”
His heart rolled over as gravity started to push down mercilessly on him, He looked down straight to hell as the flames barked and snarled at his appearance.
In a desperate attempt to live, Leo screamed and grabbed anything within radius and managed to clamp on his own brothers dangling leg.
The jolt shook Levi up and he stared bleakly at his younger brother, watching helplessly as his younger brothers gripped weakened.
What seemed like an eternity ended in a minute, as his brothers grip became non existent and Leo plummeted straight into hell.
Speechless, Levi watched Leo become engulfed in the flames, taking his passion and ambition with him.
Taking his cries for help with him.
“huh”
Levi, hung there confused. A combination of emotions surged through his body as he began to scream at the flames.
His eyes widened as he could see the shadow of his brother running around.
Adrenaline aided him as he broke through the rope and irrationality cursed him as he dived into the flames that had stolen his brother from him.
The pure intensity of the heat forced Levi to keep his eyes shut. Practicality and rationality had returned back to him because of the tormenting flames eating at his skin. Levi screamed and sprinted. Running away to find relief to find peace.
Ahhh
Hhaa
Haha
Huh uisd
Bvrdfafd
Levi felt sudden relief. No more burning.. The heat had been replaced with water, and the water took over everything, it took over his body, entering through his nasal passage, jumping into his mouth, invading through his ears.
Relief.
Relief
Re-
A hand clamped onto his wrist and dragged him upwards. Away from silence, a loud pop disturbed him as he was lifted out of what turned out to be a river and thrown onto hard grass.
Levi opened his eyes to see the whole village burning.
“Leo” he rasped out.
“All dead” said a voice.
Levi looked up to see a stranger with no hair, wearing strange clothes that he had never seen before.
“So this is what the other side of the world looks like.” Said the stranger nonchalantly. “Brutal, isn’t it?”
“What happened?” asked Levi, his voice barely legible over the breeze of wind, which aided the fire from spreading into further parts of the village.
“Well, my friend, I spotted you, running out of the huge fire underneath that pole over there. Credit to you for getting out of it, but you ended up running around like a mad man before dropping into the river. And that’s where i came in.”
The stranger smiled.
“Who are you?”
“A traveller, who you now owe your life to”
The traveler picked Levi up, ignoring his moaning as his hand clasped onto his open flesh. Amidst the fiery village, he walked calmly carrying the sole survivor of this bandit attack, and quietly muttered.
“Human actions are the same wherever you go.”
The traveler avoided the smaller flames as he made his way out of the village, and began to walk up past a used shack which was the only thing that wasn’t destroyed.
The sting of the wind rubbing against Levi’s burned flesh left him agony, he was teetering over the edge of unconsciousness, the pain engulfed him and numbed his mind, he forgot about everything happening and fell at the mercy of the stranger taking him away.
The traveler, realizing the pain that Levi was in, cursed and began to speed up, worrying that he would die.
His speed walking led to running, and his running led to inhuman speed, as himself and Levi became a blur to the animals residing in the forest. The traveler bent his knees as he began to jump over the ground to generate more speed. Which caused Levi to writhe in pain but they were already so close to another village.
The traveller continued to carry Levi with him, bolting further into the forest with thunderous speed, until they arrived at a much smaller village. A village that the traveler had passed and visited on his way to the one he picked Levi up from. He gradually slowed down as the villages small entrance became closer and invited them in.
The traveler walked into the secluded village amongst the trees. He walked into the inn, he smiled as they attracted a lot of stares, the already quiet atmosphere held its tongue as the traveler spoke to the woman behind the desk.
“Can you guys look after him please? I’ll pay for all of his expenses”
The woman stared at him until he put Levi down and dug into his pocket, remembering the type of currency they had was gold coins. traveler set the money down on the table, and turned around, as he headed out to leave he said with his back turned,
“Tell him to find me in the city. Go straight through the narrow path, past the river, and avoid the lions,”
The traveler smiled to himself and exited through the door, leaving a confused woman with an unconscious burnt man.
She looked down and saw the injury dealt to him and frowned at the sight of burnt flesh. She could already tell it was serious.
She knelt down and struggled to pick him up, but through sheer sympathy and will she managed to get him into a bath.
She gently bathed him, her eyes watering at the sight of the wounds that even when healed would leave a nasty, nasty scar. She suddenly became curious to know what type of incident he was in to cause this almost irrevocable damage. She slowly picked him up and struggled to get him upstairs, although she did well to pass the small lounge area and the traditional wooden corridor which leaded to the lounge. Even though she struggled she dropped him unto one of the many beds and sighed a sigh of relief as her struggles for the moment was over. She began to remember the work she did back in the city concerning this injury gathered cold water and immediately collecting her operating skills and cut the dead excess skin off so that she is able to properly treat the burns. She then grabbed, pain medicine and dropped it into a glass of water, letting the water pick the medicine which was in tablet form apart into pieces so small that it became invisible to the naked eye. She lifted his chin up gently, and laid the tip of the glass onto his lips, tilting the glass slightly at first. She stared at his reaction as he seemed to be slowly swallowing the water. wrapped the most burned part of the strangers body in a silky body bandage..
She quietly slipped through the door and allowed the stranger to rest.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
I would much rather Levi have died because you made Levi all ready seem like a fully mature and developed person in the first chapter. So I feel like Leo has more room change throughout the story and he is likable.
Hello! Before you read this review, you should know that I have not read part one of this chapter.
Here area a few things you should look into:
-"as it began to induce a chesty cough as he became aware his surroundings." You use "as" twice in the same sentence, and very awkwardly, too. Would it not be better if you said "as it began to induce a chesty cough and he became aware of his surroundings."?
-You use contractions when narrating. Your point of view is third person omniscient. You should avoid saying "can't" and "shouldn't"
-"Leo gritted his teeth and positioned himself in a position" This is a very weird one. Maybe say "...positioned himself so that..."?
-"Levi looked up to see a stranger with no hair, wearing strange clothes" Again you use the same words twice and awkwardly. Maybe something of the "Levi looked up and saw a stranger with no hair, who wore unusual clothes" variety?
-"the breeze of wind, which aided the fire from spreading into further parts of the village." A fire is 'prevented' from spreading, so I think you meant "the breeze of wind, which helped the fire spread into further parts of the village."
-"leaded" Past Tense of "lead" is "led"
I liked it how you jumped strait into action. The burning right at the start was a good touch.
I also liked the traveller. He adds that bit of mystery that we, the readers, always want to see. Makes one wonder who he is and where he came from. Definitely a good touch.
You did not just kill the brother Leo. You tried to develop the character a bit before you burned him, even though it happened so early on. That is always a good thing, to try and have everyone's story told, no matter how small they are.
I hope this helps!
Hello again! Here as requested
Same deal as last time - I'll start with my general thoughts and opinions as I read through.
This is kind of a long sentence, and I think you start to get a little overboard with how you're describing the movement of smoke.
I'm personally a big fan of repetition, so I really like the repetition here of "aware that he/his". However, the "above the fire of cruel intentions" - that by itself is nice but I don't like it with the pretty repetition.
Also, this sentence is a fragment - you need a subject.
:O
That first sentence - so they've already started the fire? How far away from him is it? And I get why he's fearful, but why excited?
That second sentence - how does Leo know that. I would describe what he's seeing and feeling. Something like "he notices [something about his ropes] and when he looks at his brother again sees that [something about his brother's ropes]. [What is Leo going to do?]"
With the what is Leo going to do - is he planning on getting out of his looser ropes and then helping his brother? Is he going to try to get out and then run for help? What is his plan here?
Again, not sure why he feels glee. I would be scared out of my mind (but maybe that's just because I'm afraid of fire and I cant' see how he can get out of this unscathed :p)
I'm having a really hard time picturing this. More description, maybe earlier about what the position of the pole is and where they are on said pole and where the fire is, etc., would be helpful.
I liked this paragraph - the "He refused" repetition is great. (You forgot to capitalize 'he' in the second sentence). The only little thing I would change - I don't mind swearing but I don't see the value of the bold part. If it were in first person or in dialogue I would get it because it's in the voice of one of the characters. But here, it's in third person, meaning it's in the voice of the story-teller. The story-teller hasn't swore before, so it's a little confusing here.
ooooooooooh - I think I get what he was trying to do now. He wanted to climb to the top of the pole and then swing and use that momentum to jump off the pole and land away from the fire? But how does that help him get Leo?
And I'm glad it didn't go 100% according to plan. Even though I'm rooting for him, if everything is easy, then things get boring
What passion and ambition? And you could combine these two paragraphs into one. Really, it could be one sentence.
PS - DID HE JUST DIE :O
This reaction confused me a little. The first sound out of his mouth after watching his brother fall into a fire-y pit is "huh"? And then he's confused. And then he screams? I just don't buy that reaction. Give me what's going through his mind and more about these emotions surging through his body and then his reaction.
Huh? So he's not dead? And running around what/where?
And again, this might make more sense with more description about this pole set-up, but the way I have it visualized he's vertically strapped to a pole. Depending on how well he's tied up, he wouldn't have much range of motion. If he doesn't have much range of motion, he wouldn't be able to see very well (look around and what not). So how is he able to see this? (Maybe he's not tied up to the point that he can't look around. I can't decide what would be worse, being able to see your death coming or to hear it and feel it but not be able to see it).
How did he do that? Leo struggled to break free and he said that Levi was tied up more than he was. And am I missing something here? His brother is in there, sure, but why would you jump into a fire-y pit? Do they have some sort of special powers to enable them to not die or get seriously burned? (I hate fire :p)
Describe the voice - tone, pitch, volume, etc.
Describe the clothes and just generally more about what this stranger looks like.
I slashed it because I felt it was unnecessary info.
Third-degree burns are pretty recognizable (*cringing because burns are the worst* :p)
Fragment - you need a subject.
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter more than the last one. The plot moved forward in a really exciting way (I CAN'T BELIEVE LEO IS DEAD) and you did a really nice job keeping the interest going. I was literally cringing at the end because, although I love all things medical, I really can't do burns :p
I thought your descriptions were better in this part - less flowery
There are so many directions this could go and I'm looking forward to seeing how this develops!
You use adjectives in a weird way. Unusual cold sweat. How can sweat be unusual? Gingerly crawled up his nasal passage. I wouldn't imagine smoke gingerly crawls into nothing, maybe plugged. I think overall to the reader you get a weird sensation, it distracts from the story.
It's a little hard to follow because I'm jumping right into the second chapter. Where are they? I was wondering that the whole time? There's a lot of intensity when you write, you should find a way to minimize it. Which seems a little counterproductive but I tell you this because you have a clear image in your mind of what your story is. The reader doesn't, and the height of emotions that mixes in sort of makes it harsh on the reader. Because it's just one intense emotion after another. I know you want the scene to be that way, I was actually sad his brother died. It just seems a little much after a while reading.
All in all it was intense, and full of emotion. That's good you don't want it to be lifeless. Your voice is clear. I have only one suggestion, it seems like him being pulled out of the river would be a good to a first chapter. Because the villager is pretty mysterious, and you want to know how the character is going to deal with his brothers death. Just my two cents. Also you should hold that brilliant line, “a traveller, who you now owe your life to,” for when the main character wakes up in the next chapter. It's an interesting idea to start with in the next chapter. Like, wow! He's stuck with this villager now, what's going to happen?