You love the night sky as much as I do
I’ve seen the way you look at the stars
Open your arms to the gentle breeze
And stare into the horizon
-
Sometimes when I stare into the moon
I look to my side, hoping that you would be there
To see the night sky with me
Loving it as much as I love you.
-
When you watch your night sky
Do you wish sometimes that I was there too?
Even though you’re waiting for the sun to rise
I’ll always be willing to watch it rise with you.
-
You’re the night sky to me
You’re the stars, you’re the moon
You’re the gravity that keeps me anchored
So that I can keep looking at the night sky
-
Your moon can be covered with clouds
And your stars in your eyes can lose their light
I’ll stay, help you figure it out
Until I know you’re alright
-
If your clouds rain your tears
If winds blow your world apart
I’ll calm the storms, still the rain
So you can show your stars once more.
-
For years, I’ve looked at the night sky
And wondered at its beauty
And as I’ve understood it better
I know I love it truly
-
I know you’re waiting until after the sun rises
To let other stars into your sky
So I’ll be waiting, time permitting
A star waiting for its sky
-
And if I don’t happen to be
The night sky you like to be with
I’d be happy just being
Friends with my favorite night sky
-
Can I be your night sky?
Can I be the moon and stars that you love?
There’s nothing I’d rather say right now
Than those three words
Those words that make the stars shine bright
I love you
-
I’m willing to wait if you don’t love me now
Maybe once the sun rises, you’ll decide to give me a chance
Until then, until you want to see the sky with me
I’ll float, a man with no gravity
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Hey, there! This has got some really nice imagery. I like how you start out with the narrator speaking of their love for the night sky, simple and basic, with no deeper meaning - and then as the poem progresses, the descriptions take on symbolism.
I appreciate how all the main stanzas have the same amount of lines. Also, the separation of the stanzas make for clear reading and an organized appearance.
My favorite part about this poem is how you talk about the stars in your eyes and the clouds raining tears. These are vivid images that convey the emotions they represent. Another cool thing is how you've taken a visual picture and used it to express a feeling that deals with relationships and emotions. However, I did find it a little confusing the way you fluctuated back and forth between visualizing the narrator as the sky itself and then as an outside observer of the sky. It just feels inconsistent.
Thanks for sharing this great poem! Keep up the good work!
Hey Ilium! It’s Addison!
I really, truly like this poem.
I don’t see at ALL why you called it cringy! It has a lyrical feel, like someone could compose a beat and it would fit perfectly with a bedroom pop love song.
As someone who uses night and astrology a lot in my own works, I might have a slightly different interpretation of things than others, especially since I use it a frick ton for my love poems and they’re not the greatest
My interpretation of the poem was that, along with your sky-loving potential partner (I’m rooting for you, by the way!!) You use the night, stars, and universe to explain the deepness and complexity of the human emotion and experience.
The idea of ‘not letting on into their sky’ kinda resounded with me. I really liked it!
You do rhyme “sky” with “sky” at one point, but that’s my only real critique
Anyways, you did awesome, my dude! Keep writing!
Peace and tacos be with you, and stay safe!
-Addison
Thanks for the review Addison!
And congrats with the review star! it's shiny XD
Hey there, Mordax here with a review!!
Btw, I loveeee this poem, so this review will be speckled with critiques and appreciations.
Here, the preceding line already uses the word "stare" so I would suggest replacing it to avoid redundancy, perhaps with "gaze" or some other verb. I believe "gaze" too will give it a more delicate tone as this poem already has.
"Sometimes" here makes this line feel a little clunky. I would suggest rewording this line, perhaps, "Do you ever wish that I was there too?". Of course, this is just my opinion so feel free to disregard
This is also just my opinion, but at the beginning of this stanza, you state that this person of interest is the "night sky". I think it would be really impactful here to replace the "night sky" with "you", so: "So that I can keep looking at you". Again, just my opinion lol
I love this stanza. Like, it is so achingly beautiful, the kind of stanza that feels like down feathers and smells like a spring morning and sounds like a gentle breeze. It is so delicate yet full of such overpowering love. Probably my favorite stanza out of this poem.
This is probably my second favorite stanza. I love this message, this growing surety in love as you better learn this "night sky". It feels very genuine.
Also just my preference, but I think it would flow better if you replaced "like to be with" with "see". Given that the preceding imagery was the narrator admiring this person, this "night sky", flipping it with the desire that this admiration and love is returned would be greatly displayed through the same imagery, this "seeing" and "watching".
Oooooh this line is interesting, given that this 'person' was earlier described as being their gravity. I love this last line, but it does pose a few questions and holes. This person is labeled as the "gravity that keeps me anchored" in order for this narrator to continue watching this "night sky". While I love the idea that this unrequited love makes the narrator not have gravity, then it raises some confusion as to how they were anchored before. It also contradicts the recurring message throughout this poem, which is how this narrator is content to love and admire. That while they strongly desire that love to be reciprocated, they are in no rush. This last line, while beautiful, indicates a kind of loss and grief in this unrequited love, a feeling that hasn't been portrayed through the bulk of this poem. Perhaps this was intentional, the true issues shining through and all that talk of being okay with waiting merely a mask. If not, however, I would change up the wording of this last line or change the line earlier on in the poem that states how this person is their gravity.
Wonderful poem!! I was so glad to read it.
Keep writing!!
Mordax
Thanks so much for the review! It really helped a lot!
I was more focused on emotion when I wrote this than word choice so I'll make sure to do the edits you suggested.
I'll also make sure to change that last line before I send it to her ^^" Peace and Tacos be with you!
Hi Ilium417,
Mailice here with a short review!
I don't think the poem is cringy. I like it. I don't think I've read enough poems to give a professional review, but in the many points you list here, you create a lovely, melancholic and wistful atmosphere that you metaphorically transform into the night sky and the stars. The connections you create across the different paragraphs complement each other and give the text a new meaning when it is read through a second time and knows what happens next.
Here, for example, you end a circle very well by describing later that you love the night sky, wondering if you are not also part of it. I see it as a summary / good introduction for the moment, that not only the togetherness is loved here, but also the thought of being one together.
I don't know why, but this passage has such a melancholic undertone, as if love had just gone out. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, because the stars in the sky could have died a long time ago and we only see the reflection, like you're trying to portray love here. But I think in the overall context, it could also just be an expression here.
I like these two lines. They show a bit of impatience to start something new and yet also the fear of being abandoned. At least that's how it seems to me.
I like your attempt to combine physics with love. I think it sounds very romantic and a balance to the previous paragraph.
I like how you give the reader the opportunity to interpret more what is meant by "your moon" and with the last lines in connections. I'm just not sure here if the "your stars" is necessary or if it's not better to write "the stars" here?
For me, this and the previous paragraph gives a kind of background info on the relationship and how it all started. I like the approach here and I interpret it as an attempt to make the first step, but the other person is still too closed to the outside world, but the person makes an effort to always stay with the other until they understand and love each other.
Maybe I'm going too far with the interpretation here again, but I think it's an admission from the narrator that the person he loves also has other people he loves and doesn't really show interest. At the same time I add the last two paragraphs, it seems like the person is just waiting for other people to come into his life without being active himself. Especially with the ending, I find the thought through that already very sad but beautifully written.
In summary, I find it a very beautiful, metaphorical poem with a sad undertone and the feeling that something has happened between the lines. That's what I like most about this poem!
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
Man, I see you reviewing everywhere XD Thanks so much for reviewing my poem!
) but I've never told her how I feel. I finally decided I was going to do so, but I didn't want to ruin our relationship and I doubted if she even loved me at all in return. I also knew that she wanted to wait for serious relationships until after high school was over so I wrote in the poem that I was willing to wait as long as it takes.
The situation that prompted this poem is that I've loved the same girl for basically all of high school and we've always been friends (this year we've become basically best friends, she even went to Prom with me
You were right, I was feeling a bit sad as I wrote it, because part of me doubts if she does or could ever love me, but my friends tell me to be hopeful so I really have no idea XD
Anyway, that's the context. Again, thanks so much and Peace and Tacos be with you!
My very first thought about this poem was that it completely exceeded my expectations.
It was very fluid. When it rhymed it rhymed nicely and when it didn't it blended well. The analogy was a good one and I caught the feelings clearly. This set of lines seemed to sum up the poem to me.
Frankly, the cadence of these lines also caught my attention. It was just so elegantly done the way 'moon' played off of 'you'.
Overall a very smooth enjoyable read. Good poetry cannot be read from the middle, and this poem is no exception. I look forward to seeing more from you. Until next time, happy writing!
Thanks so much for the review! Have an awesome day!